on the death of an enemy

There were once some highwaymen  in the neighbourhood of Rabbi Meir who caused him a great deal of trouble. Rabbi Meir accordingly prayed that they should die. His wife Beruria said to him: How do you make out [that such a prayer should be permitted]? Because it is written Let hatta’im cease? Is it written hot’im? [sinner] It is written hatta’im!  [sin] Further, look at the end of the verse: and let the wicked men be no more. Since the sins will cease, there will be no more wicked men! Babylonian Talmud: Tractate Berakoth

You all know I’m a total heathen, but I came across the above point made in various articles (mostly about whether or not it was okay to celebrate Osama bin Laden’s death) and I wanted something older. I think you also know I’m fond of the poetry in the language of some religious texts. And all that I’ve just said is totally irrelevant to what I want to write about right now.

Today, just before sunset, I got a message telling me that my abuser had died a few minutes before. My brain sort of froze in my cranium and my mind flatlined, I’m still dazed. Dazed, but okay, and okay because of the major change in 2010, which is when I learned how to banish flashbacks. Okay because in 1992 when my brother died, I knew he’d already paid for his stuff. It’s all about me, not him; he became irrelevant five years ago and the only thing I’ve felt since, was anger just after my mother died, that he’d outlived her. He was 90. I’m not being fecking pious and righteous, it’s just that, thank fuck, it’s just information now, and not much emotion. Unless dazed is an emotion. And I’m writing this, because this is the end of it and I don’t want to look over my shoulder again.

Death is the easiest of all things after it, and the hardest of all things before it. (Abu Bakr)

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

40 thoughts on “on the death of an enemy”

  1. I had the same reaction when my molester was found dead. I never knew I was looking over my shoulder until the crushing Boulder lifted off my shoulders and chest. Yes, dazed is a feeling and emotion and it’s ok. STRONGS {Hugs} Much love, Blah <3

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        1. Happily ever after would be fabulous and I think as long as we do it separately, the world should be safe from spontaneous combustion lol. And the artist is er…. Um…. Idk.

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                  1. Ooo nutter butters-thanks now I want cookies. Me too. I woke up at 7-on a SATURDAY of all days!-and went back to sleep until noon..and I could sleep until tomorrow. Blah. I’m taking your pillow-mines no longer fluffy

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        2. I love these posts, the interplay between you is priceless. And so are you both. You’re beautiful, I accept it sight unseen because pics would piss off Mrs. M. I could name the artist but only if you made me your king. Hugs to you both, and I want that we can all live happily ever after. When we do, it’ll be “all right with me. (from the aforementioned artist’s sister)”~DM (“Da Majesty?”)

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          1. No, Blah is King, I’m Queen, maybe you can be the Royal Jester? Or the Royal Artist. At least you aren’t mucking out stables.
            I have to think about “Da Majesty” it doesn’t have the right ring to it…things to ponder on a lazy Monday

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            1. Jester, I’m ok with that, fond as I am of a good jest. I’m comedy and tragedy all rolled into one. “Aren’t we all?,” quoth the king and queen. One side of my clown mask is painted with a purple teardrop, the other in a smile. But for now, I’m on my way home to muck out said proverbial stables.

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  2. Oh Blah, my heart is with you, S. & P.

    The line “it’s it’s just information now, and not much emotion.” really stayed with me. I’d much rather have information than emotion when it comes to something like what you describe.

    The fact that you’ve written about this particular end today & shared this news with people who authentically care about you (as the daze is still fresh) seems the absolutely right thing to do.

    Forgive me for digressing as usual. You were on my mind literally five minutes before reading your post.

    I was arguing with my almost 80-year-old undiagnosed mom (borderline most likely) about how she thinks it’s unhealthy that I only have a couple real-life friends. She knows that most of my friends are virtual and according to her, they don’t count.

    Well, yeah, it would be good for me to have more real life friends, but dammit, I can’t import you & S.

    And anyone apart from y’all pales in comparison.

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    1. Thanks lots, what truly lovely things to say. I needed to write it down and I needed to be heard (and this place is often like a globally comfortable therapy couch for me). I was expecting the news, but of course, significant news has some shock attached no matter how long the wait. I also thought I’d end up writing a long post about it, then suddenly I knew I’d said all I had to say. It was a good moment, through the hazy daze of it all. Thanks again.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re more than welcome! By the way, I’m referring some bloggers your way – there has been a surge in brand-new queer female bloggers w/bipolar – I tell them you’re my favorite blogger & I give them the link to your blog. I usually don’t write anything more than that! :))))

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  3. Wow. Just wow. I think dazed is a very appropriate way to feel right now. But, if later, you feel happy or sad or any other way, give yourself permission to be ok with that as well. Big Hugs!

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  4. I’m sending warm wishes for your wellness as you experience this big change. My wife’s abuser (and father) died a year ago July, and life has been up and down for her (and us) as she deals with this. (plus it’s always up and down to some degree, thanks bipolar disorder!) I’m only beginning to realize how large his shadow loomed over the family. Again, sending warm thoughts your way and hoping you find more and more peace all the time.

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    1. Thanks very, very much. I wish your wife all the very best with that process, and you too of course. Warm thoughts and peace for you both too, and thanks again for your kindness.

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  5. I was so happy that I went manic when I found out my mum died. At first I was like “whatever, she never did anything for me” then I was like “oh god I should have been there with her” then I was like “fucking bitch systematically fucked me in the head and I’m still the only one feeling bad??” I thought I’d found the answer to the point of the universe then the comedown literally broke me. Keep your head up out there, these things have a very sneaky way of smacking people in the face when they least expect it.

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  6. Sometimes people just can’t die fast enough. Then there are the bastards who keep on living no matter what’s thrown at them. I always figure they’ve reached hell early with their cancers and oxygen tanks and medications. Their bodies finally reflect the shit inside. Or so I tell myself to draw comfort. It’s meager comfort…And it’s shameful joy – schadenfreude – when they die. How wicked to feel relief at the passing of another human being. Yeah, right.

    Feel what you need to feel, and do what you need to do right now. As always, you’re in my thoughts…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks beeps and yes, that man really did get his hell in advance of death, in many ways. It’s why he’s mercifully irrelevant now. And I agree with you that there’s nothing wicked about that kind of grief.

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