a particularly petulant post

I feel battered by my life, my history. I used to feel rather fiercely proud that I was never one of those people who declared they’d never trust again, or love again; nowadays I feel as though I’m sitting in a particularly muddy trench, clutching an inadequate pisspot helmet and weeping. I’m not blaming anyone for it, it’s circumstance and happenstance and my own egregious mismanagement of it all. Plenty of people have endured far, far worse than I have and emerged victorious. Me, I’m tired and frightened and I have zero faith or hope for the future.

Last February, some of you literally pulled me through a month full of grief. This February will be the third anniversary of my mother’s death, and shrink two tells me it’s a more than adequate reason to be feeling so fucked up and broken now. I’m as moody as an adolescent, I’m tired, I’m tired, I’m so fucking tired.

I messaged shrink two on Sunday to update her about a couple of side effects and a little light self harm. She replied today saying she’ll find out the fastest way to get me on to olanzapine via the public healthcare sector, so it’ll be farewell clozapine soon. I feel zero hope in that direction too.

Most of my 45 years have been depressed ones – that is not an exaggeration. I’ve tried a lot of medication and meditation and in general, I’ve fought it hard. The last four or five years though…. I think they can be filed as ‘the last straw’.

Ag actually, whatever.


Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

63 thoughts on “a particularly petulant post”

  1. Blah, I HATE this for you! I’m sorry that this is not enough. 94% of my (45yrs also) life has been spent in tortuous depression also (even as a toddler!). Not many can comprehend this. Losing a parent is indescribable, i’m so sorry. Hugs & <3

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I was depressed that young, I felt like I shouldn’t be here (alive). I was about 3 years old knowing I hated being alive. My Mom n Dad were/are (mom’s still living) good parents. I did endure some sort of molestation at a very young age tho. Very murky memory but I understood/knew things a kid shouldn’t know

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I cannot imagine and it is certainly a reason to be feeling shitty.

    I know that there is nothing that I can say that makes a shit bit of difference, except that I am here….we all are here….and we get it….and we want to help if you need us.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I’m really sorry for your loss, and I realise this sounds cliche and I wish there were more words I could say for comfort. But I can’t, same with depression, there isn’t anything I can say to make it better. But I hope you feel some peace, I hope that victory is around the corner but you just can’t see it yet. I really love reading your work, I will always be reading. I wish I could say more.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I pray you get to a better place, and soon. I understand loss (my father died from complications of untreated bipolar 5 years ago). I wish I had some sage advice on how to get through, but all I can say is hold on. Hold on to the preciousness of life and know that there is always hope that things will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel the urge to respond but I lack the words to properly console. Don’t give up. Think of your mom, how would she wish for your life to be? Just don’t give up. Hold on and things will get better (slightly). I hate my bipolar and I wish I didn’t have to feel the feels so hard. It’s so true that we are out here listening. And we care. And we don’t want you to be going through this crappy – crap – smackity – crap time. You are a strong human being who deserves a break. Now go do what I do at my crappiest and put in whatever movie helps you zone out to stop feeling the feels. Tell me what it is and I’ll watch it, too, in real time. That way we can hide together and maybe you won’t feel so alone. I hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I arrived to WordPress in February and found a lot of really wonderfully supportive people. who encourage me and let me vent my bile, and read and care about me in spite of everything, through my shit. You’re really awesome and I can only say “thank you” so many times. I hope I’ve succeeded in returning the favor, encouraging you and others through our crises. One can’t help wonder about the timing sometimes. Hugs and love to you and all around. ~DM

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t even know what to say, I can only hope and pray some light will peak through the clouds long enough to give you the energy to make it to a safe place. This all sounds so cheesy for me to write and I know it does, and yet I’m doing it anyway hopi g even one word will make your mouth twinge upward…maybe the word cheesy will.. that’s such a stupid word. I’m always thinking of you, of those of us who get this and yet have no words. Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really appreciate it! Sorry my comments are short… They’re always short these days, because usually by the time I’ve finished writing a post, I just don’t have any words left.


        1. If the pharmacy is a hellish wait there’s every chance I’ll end up going straight home, and then cursing myself, because I need groceries and it means a trip to town.

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Its one thing to fight depression. Its another to fight depression while ‘trying’ out various medications and dealing with their side effects. THAT is a marathon. Add anniversaries and grief and its no wonder you are tired, tired, tired. Holy-moly, I loved olanzapine. I hope you get all the glorious benefits without the side effects <3

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I was thinking along this line as I drove home the other night. I must think a lot when I drive. A lot about the past and really I need to quit ruminating. But I’ve literally wasted years at a time being “sick” and dysfunctional. In and out of the hospital and fuck that. I’m in my 40’s and I’m tired of feeling like this. In therapy last week I thought about how I was feeling. As the words that I wanted to die came out of my mouth, I wondered where they came from. I’m back to feeling 23 and ughhh. I’ve never been a very happy person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m 45, driving is my favourite thinkspace. When I was 23, I made my first serious suicide attempt. You and I don’t even have the same diagnosis, but bloody hell we have many parallels eh.


      1. I don’t know if my suicide attempt at 23 was my first or not. I don’t even remember what I did. But 23 sucked big time. I think I’ve passively tried to commit suicide for most of my young adult life.


        1. Yeppppppp. I have no family left now, I don’t even know why the fuck I’m still here. My dog… It’s my dog…… I assume I really want to live, because I went and got a pup three years ago. Fuckit though.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. In a way it’s worse to feel like this in my 40’s because I have “so much” and I am loved and not alone but I still feel like shit and I’m wasting yet another year of my life trying to be better.


  10. I really hope the new medication works for you. With regs to dosage (because I saw someone mentioned it above), when I worked in a pharmacy most people who got scripts for Olanzapine regularly were on 20mg a day and Fluoxetine usually varied from 20 to 50mg a day although I don’t recall seeing them on the same Rx (but I don’t remember every single script I fulfilled). Sometimes people took olanzapine and lithium together though so that’s another possibility (I can’t remember how much Li you were on when you started getting the terrible headaches).
    I’ve found with the loss of parents things that mother’s day and father’s day are the absolute worst. It doesn’t even matter what the relative did in real life; mother’s day is a reminder every year that my own mother hated me and tried to kill me, and it has been since 2006 which was the first mother’s day after I got away. My heartless bitchface of a half sister (who only lost our mother last year) started going on and on and on about what she was doing for her dad for father’s day, when she knew my dad had died less than two months earlier. Then after the shit with my pregnancy in December, she kept starting every text message with “Hi Baby” (who even says that? She never did before and has mysteriously stopped again now). Reminders and triggers are the worst thing with loss and I don’t expect that to ever subside although it helps when people around aren’t being cnuts. I like being an only child it suits me better.
    Sorry this was long, but I also wanted to send you a hug if you choose to partake: *hug*
    You can leave it there if you don’t want it.
    I hope your dog knows how special he is.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks lots, your comments are always good food for thought. Dunno how much my meds will increase, but I think it’ll happen slowly for a change, dunno why.

      Wow your half sister needs a good fat slap upside her fucking foolish head. Ugh what an utter arsewipe.

      Hugs for you too mate.

      Okay let’s go smack a bitch. Er I mean the bitch.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol you wouldn’t want to touch her she even *looks* sticky. It’s fine though, life has punished her enough by making her a failed hairdresser (as in, didn’t have the ability to learn hairdressing) who can’t use the English language (or any other).

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Xmas cards are for people who have festive spirit and what not. Pies should be the new standard of Christmas salutation – sending tasty chicken pies or Cornish pasties to people instead of gaudy folded pieces of card with insincere handwriting. I’m sure that pies would go really well in envelopes. Hey the higher postage could just save Royal Mail before they become totally obsolete…

            Liked by 1 person

            1. OK well now I’ve just deleted her irritably orf my putative pie list too, so there. That’ll learn ‘er.

              You should be in politics, it’d be as entertaining as fuck.

              I forced myself not to make lewd four-lipstick comments on your blog btw.

              Liked by 1 person

              1. LOL it was a very dubious picture – after I saw how it came out I just couldn’t help but post it. The camera timer really has a knack for these things.
                As for politics – I don’t think I’ve got enough grey suits on one hand and on the other, I’m not homophobic or racist so I don’t think anywhere would let me run for office. They’re right not to – I’d be a terrible despot and the whole place would fall apart. Maybe when I finally achieve my dream/delusion of grandeur of owning my own private island in the pacific…

                Liked by 1 person

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