I’m not going to commit suicide

There’s another aspect to the general concept of not talking about suicide, and that’s the total freakout that sometimes ensues. I’ve been told very clearly on more occasions that I care to remember, not to mention suicide.

I can’t listen to this,
You shouldn’t have said it.

One person just said I can’t, and stormed off.

Funny thing is, none of those who reacted that way to me have had any experience with it beyond that. And I haven’t threatened suicide dammit, I’ve said

I want to die,
I don’t want to be alive,
I can’t cope with life.

Those are not statements of intent. The upshot of negative reactions is me keeping quiet about those things. It’s a nasty, twisted, frightening, lonely, painful silence too. And now even I feel selfish, petulant, fraudulent about the fact that all I want is an ending. There is no fucking empirical evidence for any of it getting better and while there’s no evidence the other way either, I do have a solid 45yrs of experience that says I’m worn the fuck right out and that the odds of a vastly improved future just aren’t encouraging.

I’m sick to the gills of the slogans too –

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

No. It’s a desperate act in the face of a  hell that, frankly, you might not ever be able to understand.

It’s just a cry for help.

Oh yeah baby that’s it, it’s just a cry for help from a society that thinks crying = weakness. Strangely, the very society that sees suicidality as weakness, sees failed suicide attempts as weakness too.

Here’s what I want. I want assisted suicide to be option, a safe and careful one. And not only for those with allegedly more noble and valid physical issues either, I’d like society to admit that we the mentally neurobiologically ill also have the capacity to measure our own pain against our quality of life.

Or, you know, as I’ve said about 45481845 times already, how about working on some better palliative care for us, so that suicide would be less of an issue in the first place?

I’m not going to commit suicide. It’s 04h17 and I’m going to the beach.

keeping quiet (pablo neruda)

After yesterday’s beautiful and hopeful and hopeless and tragic posts about suicide, I’d like to introduce you to what I think is the most exquisite possible argument against it.

Continue reading keeping quiet (pablo neruda)

world suicide attention day

Obviously the trigger warning here is suicide, I want to add a caveat – if you’re a survivor, I’m extremely concerned that my post will cause you pain, and I don’t want you to be sore.

wpid-30_suicide_rate_tshirt-r0d46a0d6bd5d469ea96ea0840d1fc593_804gm_324.jpgFirstly I just need to say RIP all the warriors who fell on their own swords in battle, and if you call that cowardice, fuck you. I quoted this the other day, but I’m doggedly determined to get the world to read it and understand.

One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you’re living with this illness and functioning at all, it’s something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.
Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

Continue reading world suicide attention day

a poem about suicide


You might have noticed I’ve been posting about suicide every day lately – I’m going to be doing so up to and including this Thursday, which is (as you know and I keep saying) World Suicide Prevention Day. What’s more, I’m going to say the following two things every day as well. Visit the Meds Cocktail Party on the 10th, and at 8pm, light a candle within view of a window, to honour our dead and give hope to the living. But wait, there’s more… I’m not going to be 100% tedious and repetitive. Today you’re getting a sad, sad poem about suicide that you’re under no obligation to like – or even to read. You probably know it already, but with ee cummings, the thing to do is to relax into the rhythm of the words so that the story comes to you, rather than  you chasing the meaning. And I was thinking you might want to join me in lighting a candle on your blog on Wednesday as well as doing it for real.

Continue reading a poem about suicide

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015

World Suicide Prevention Day 2015 is around the corner, on the 10th. I posted about it last year, as many of you did and so here we are again. So what’s it all about? Well, International Association for Suicide Prevention, under the auspices of the World Health Organisation, is responsible for it and they have plenty of badly designed good ideas. Here’s one, it also happens to be the easiest thing – anyone can do it.

Right here on wordpress, there’s a meds cocktail party to mark it and you’re invited.

I feel strongly about the subject and I feel quite strongly about what I’ve written about it too. Here are four posts about suicide.

Suicide & Manic Depression
What they say about what to say about suicide
Abuse, Murder, Sterilisation, Suicide: Honouring the Dead
Why I talk to those left behind by suicide

What I haven’t done much of at all, is explain my own feelings, but I can sum them up quickly. I am pro ethical assisted suicide and euthanasia. I am very, very, very against people feeling pushed to the point of suicide, because they’re not getting help, because they’re not getting treatment, or because the treatment isn’t working. Those are the suicides that I wish could (would) be prevented.