and on the third day she woes again

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I’m not going to devote entire posts to grrratitude lists every damn day, just till my spleen is clear of the concept. Despite my antipathy to 90% of this whole process, it’s been a surprisingly interesting couple of days so far. I really am grateful to you for the comments – they’ve soothed me and inspired me (don’t stop!), well I’m grateful for you guys every day, you’re on the permanent g-list. Today you are the fucking g-list; the a-list of the g-list.

Gratitude list:
1. My tribe – the people I share this space with, this meeting of minds and wounds. The people I read and talk to, the people who teach me, advise me, make me think, make me laugh and on occasion cause my eyes to leak a bit at their beautiful and deep compassion.
2. There is no 2.

Seriously, you fuckers make a real difference. Thank fuck I met you, the past year would’ve been lonely and foggy without you.

Apart from that, today I’m saying fuck gratitude. The past two days’ comments have already given me so much help in my time of perplexed irritation, they’re a mixture of everything I love about my friends. I can’t deal with shit like choosing the best comment, the most helpful one, the prettiest one or whatever, so I chose the most divinely freely truly pissed off ones. There happen to be three, I didn’t pick a particular number. By the end of reading them, I was rattling spears, sabres and cages – I was more than ready to ride into battle screaming. Two of the three suggested alternative lists; beep suggested an ingratitude list and William came up with the pat on the back list. I wanted to post using all three headers today, but I fell asleep instead. Mmmm naps…

Continue reading and on the third day she woes again

ingratitude list (day two)

I’m utterly grouchy, check this out instead.

I take a word, a simple concept and I stare hard at it until I see every molecule, but the molecules vibrate (as molecules must) and I have no fucking idea what shape they ought to be. Gratitude. Gra-ti-fucking-tude. Wtf, tribe, wtf.

noun: gratitude
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
“she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support”
synonyms: gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation, recognition, acknowledgement, hat tip, credit, regard, respect.
Origin: late Middle English: from Old French, or from medieval Latin gratitudo, from Latin gratus ‘pleasing, thankful’.

Out of all that, i think I can cope pretty well with the word recognition in its most basic form – acknowledgement. I acknowledge my good fortune, even when every fibre of me is screaming like uprooted trees.

Continue reading ingratitude list (day two)

whiny crappy people barfing

wpid-f748754863972576b32d61ecaa2b2ea2.jpgI’m about to get all 100 days of gratitude on your asses. Shrink Two, who is CBT-ing my ass on the way to her becoming a fully fledged shrink, and this, of course, is CBT homework. Despite my absolute loathing of shiny mindfulness, I’ve been keeping a mental gratitude list for a little over two years now. I haul it out when needed and it never, ever makes me spew rainbows, but it really does help. The goal of the daily gratitude list, obviously, is to stop the whole mindless (snigger) kneejerk thing and get me into the ever so thankful nowwww. Om. I hate to say it, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

If she turns me into a shiny mindful person, I am going to have to kick her through a tear in the space time continuum somewhere. Mind you, the other assignment is to try to identify the individual thoughts that accompany my suicidal ideation default setting, so at least I can muddy my shiny aura with some morbid thoughts. Phew.

Okay, let me get my rainbow on.

Continue reading whiny crappy people barfing