well sarcasmathank you very much

McCoy: “I’m trying to thank you, you pointed-ear hobgoblin!”
Spock: “Oh, yes, you humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. ‘You’re welcome,’ I believe, is the correct response.”

It never occurred to me to question gratitude till the other day, when William and beep battered the concept senseless. Now instead of thinking hmmm wtf is there to be grateful for today, I’m all *thousand yard stare* what is gratitude anyway? This is the final post about it. Mutter.

Continue reading well sarcasmathank you very much

whiny crappy people barfing

wpid-f748754863972576b32d61ecaa2b2ea2.jpgI’m about to get all 100 days of gratitude on your asses. Shrink Two, who is CBT-ing my ass on the way to her becoming a fully fledged shrink, and this, of course, is CBT homework. Despite my absolute loathing of shiny mindfulness, I’ve been keeping a mental gratitude list for a little over two years now. I haul it out when needed and it never, ever makes me spew rainbows, but it really does help. The goal of the daily gratitude list, obviously, is to stop the whole mindless (snigger) kneejerk thing and get me into the ever so thankful nowwww. Om. I hate to say it, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

If she turns me into a shiny mindful person, I am going to have to kick her through a tear in the space time continuum somewhere. Mind you, the other assignment is to try to identify the individual thoughts that accompany my suicidal ideation default setting, so at least I can muddy my shiny aura with some morbid thoughts. Phew.

Okay, let me get my rainbow on.

Continue reading whiny crappy people barfing

positive thought has no logic

As I headed up to the locked ward on the third floor, I checked my reflection in the mirrored elevator doors, and gave myself one last pep talk: “Okay, Miss Sparkle Plenty, get your act together,” I ordered myself. “All right, Stella Stunning—it’s show time!”

The above is Lori Schiller’s mother’s voice in The Quiet Room. It made me lol my ass off, which really isn’t the right response to a desperately worried mother trying to pull herself together before she sees her inpatient daughter. It’s gorgeously 50s housewife style though isn’t it? And is it just me, or does Miss Sparkle Plenty sound like a My Little Pony?

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No. It might work that way for neurotypicals with a normal (define that as you will) mood range, but it just doesn’t work on serious depression (erm as opposed to what, frivolous depression?). It didn’t work for Lori’s mom either. There are times when all the proactivity and positive thinking in the world accomplish absolutely nothing.

I had a CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy, it’s good stuff) counsellor who endeared herself to me forever and ensured my respect and cooperation too, by saying in the very first session,

Positive thought is illogical.

So instead of putting what is for the morose, a freaking horrific amount of energy into thinking sunbeams and smiling, it’s possible to strip it down to hard logic and see that negative thinking is equally illogical.

Bingo and eureka.

I’m not saying positive thought isn’t a lovely thing, because it often is. It can feel like hell at the wrong time though and not only that, it has the power to make me feel very, very, very inadequate. I have constipation of the positivity sometimes.

Hey little fighter / soon it might be brighter …

One small change and it’s solid fact instead of wishful. There’s freedom and relief for me in not trying to push my sad self through the eye of the positivity needle (storm?). It makes more sense to me to lose the notion of impending doom in favour of a shrug and a well who knows?

I am bipolar. I am a realist.

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