la thérapie par électrochocs

If you see someone riding a stick, imagining that it’s an animal, tell him “what a lovely horse”. (Tunisian proverb)

Here’s another thing I appreciate about our tribe, when I said that I was going to be having ECT, not one of you reacted by saying EEK HORROR, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST etc. Of the people I’ve told irl, two were calmly supportive and the rest went into panicky caps lock on the spot. Autocorrect on my tablet responded by going on strike, claiming that having to differentiate between ECT and etc constitutes untenable working conditions. One said, “don’t be a guinea pig,” which I don’t really understand, but I will admit to a sudden urge to pee on hay. One said, “I was quite freaked out, so I googled and read a bit and now I understand,” and I doubt that she has any idea of what an amazing reaction it was or how good it made me feel. I’m still waiting for someone to say they’re shocked, so that I can say, “Oh you’re having ECT too?” I’ve found myself educating people about it and it’s starting to feel as though I’m an ECT salesman. It’s alright to some extent; if my mother was alive, we’d be sitting discussing it and I’d be educating her – I’m just tired of doing it now. What I need to do, of course, is remember that it’s their issue, not mine. I could choose not to tell them at all, or I could simply leave them to their reactions of YOUR BRAIN WILL BE TOAST, WHAT NEXT, A FRONTAL LOBOTOMY!?!?!?

my dog is not bipolar

“Tell me more about your dog being your lifeline,” said Shrink Two, with an amused look and I can’t remember what I replied. “What gets you up in the morning?” she enquired and looked even more amused when I said, “my dog”. So I explained that my dog wakes me early and also won’t let me nap for longer than an hour or two. Service dogs are trained to do exactly that for (to) owners with depression. Shrink Two started looking impressed. We never did get around to the metaphorical aspect of that question.

well sarcasmathank you very much

McCoy: “I’m trying to thank you, you pointed-ear hobgoblin!”
Spock: “Oh, yes, you humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. ‘You’re welcome,’ I believe, is the correct response.”

It never occurred to me to question gratitude till the other day, when William and beep battered the concept senseless. Now instead of thinking hmmm wtf is there to be grateful for today, I’m all *thousand yard stare* what is gratitude anyway? This is the final post about it. Mutter.

and on the third day she woes again

I’m not going to devote entire posts to grrratitude lists every damn day, just till my spleen is clear of the concept. Despite my antipathy to 90% of this whole process, it’s been a surprisingly interesting couple of days so far. I really am grateful to you for the comments – they’ve soothed me and inspired me (don’t stop!), well I’m grateful for you guys every day, you’re on the permanent g-list. Today you are the fucking g-list; the a-list of the g-list.

Gratitude list:
1. My tribe – the people I share this space with, this meeting of minds and wounds. The people I read and talk to, the people who teach me, advise me, make me think, make me laugh and on occasion cause my eyes to leak a bit at their beautiful and deep compassion.
2. There is no 2.

Seriously, you fuckers make a real difference. Thank fuck I met you, the past year would’ve been lonely and foggy without you.

Apart from that, today I’m saying fuck gratitude. The past two days’ comments have already given me so much help in my time of perplexed irritation, they’re a mixture of everything I love about my friends. I can’t deal with shit like choosing the best comment, the most helpful one, the prettiest one or whatever, so I chose the most divinely freely truly pissed off ones. There happen to be three, I didn’t pick a particular number. By the end of reading them, I was rattling spears, sabres and cages – I was more than ready to ride into battle screaming. Two of the three suggested alternative lists; beep suggested an ingratitude list and William came up with the pat on the back list. I wanted to post using all three headers today, but I fell asleep instead. Mmmm naps…

ingratitude list (day two)

I’m utterly grouchy, check this out instead.

I take a word, a simple concept and I stare hard at it until I see every molecule, but the molecules vibrate (as molecules must) and I have no fucking idea what shape they ought to be. Gratitude. Gra-ti-fucking-tude. Wtf, tribe, wtf.

noun: gratitude
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.
“she expressed her gratitude to the committee for their support”
synonyms: gratefulness, thankfulness, thanks, appreciation, recognition, acknowledgement, hat tip, credit, regard, respect.
Origin: late Middle English: from Old French, or from medieval Latin gratitudo, from Latin gratus ‘pleasing, thankful’.

Out of all that, i think I can cope pretty well with the word recognition in its most basic form – acknowledgement. I acknowledge my good fortune, even when every fibre of me is screaming like uprooted trees.