Don’t what? Shut up. 

I bumped into one of the nurses who saw me through ect the other day. She told me not to let depression get me down. If that isn’t already a medication advert catchphrase in the USA, it really ought to be. It should also be permitted for me to smack anyone who says it to me. Not that nurse though, because ag shame she was being genuinely nice. 

Don’t let depression get you down, don’t let conjunctivitis spoil your view, don’t let syphilis drive you mad… 

PS thanks for all your lovely comments on my last post. And my blog just turned two. Happy birthday, blog. 

Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

226 thoughts on “Don’t what? Shut up. ”

  2. I only got to know Ulla in the last while and I must admit I didn’t get to her blog as often as I would have liked. She was a very genuine soul. It is always hard when I hear of someone from the mental health community passing because on one hand I am happy that they are no longer suffering but on the other, they are no longer with us. I have had my own battles with life and death and felt compelled to write about it in honor of Blahpolar and World Suicide Prevention/Awareness Day. I know it will not bring her back but I am sure she would be happy if it helped just one person. I will not share the link here as I don’t want to take the focus off Ulla. If you are interested you can come to my blog.

    Ulla, it may have been a short friendship but I truly admired your strength and courage. I hope you have found the peace you needed and so well deserved. I, and am sure there are others, wish you could have found it here with us; however, as someone who has literally been in the fight for 50 of my 58 years, I understand. <3

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  3. It’s Sass’s turn to speak her piece.
    I’ve had a rough week. Nothing like sitting in your doctor’s office for your pre-surgery visit when you find out you’ve lost another friend to suicide. You’ve got all kinds of questions banging around in your head. That’s 2 in less than 11 months. It fucking sucks. Though Ulla and I didn’t correspond like alot of you guys, I still consider her my friend, even if loosely based. I have closer friendships here than out in the real world. Anyway…
    I read those sorrowful words and sat crying waiting to get registered for labs. And I wasn’t crying so much for the fact that she made her decision, I was crying for the fact we lost our Tribal Leader. Because, in essence, she was. She was the one who we kind of all flocked too, like chicks to a mother hen, because she knew so much about so many things! Once she told me she just knew a little bit about alot of things. And that was her being modest. Her linkdumps were informative, shocking, and funny at times. She talked about putting the “Butch” into embroidery. I often wonder if she pulled it off?
    There were MANY inside jokes between us tribespeople. There was orgasmic chocolate hand rolled on the legs of lesbians, syphilisporks, pegacorns, isporkacorns, riding giraffes through streets, and of course her dragon. Her dragon wasn’t for used for transport, I found out. He was quite testy.
    Her love of art, poetry, Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit-Gandalf specifically, the beach with the sunrise and sunset and her beloved Solo. She got me with a Mark Rothko post. I became OBSESSED with learning about him, and he has a church in Texas-BEAUTIFUL place. I should go there as a salute to her. We talked about his work and how it can be seen as simplistic and complex, and you can even use it to explain bipolar with the way he uses the colors. Let me point out-I am not an art person. At. All. But this work she shared, spoke VOLUMES to me. And I’m fucking grateful she shared one of her favorite artists.
    Her heart was so big and golden even while she was deep in the dark. She encouraged us when she had little encouragement herself. Even with the single word Strongs she was able to help any of us know we aren’t ever alone. Her dark, raw, real and true honesty made people sit back and really think about things from a different perspective. She was never one to bullshit or sugarcoat, and I don’t think she expected us to do so in return.
    Yes, she struggled with the darkness and yes she talked about not wanting to live in that place anymore. It’s real and honest and part and parcel with Bipolar and depression, along with being treatment resistant and the medi-go-round and therapists and COUNTLESS asshole doctors. It fucking sucks that she isn’t here anymore. Am I angry? No, because she’s finally at peace and back with her dear mother whom was her world. Do I miss her? Fuck yes I do. Who wouldn’t miss her snappy comebacks and linkdumps and her honesty? I think we all fucking miss her for a myriad of reasons, no more or less than the next person.
    She showed us all a little piece of her, and together, we get the whole picture. And today, we remember and love and honor her, and celebrate her life and her freedom. Jill, I hope she had that cheese sandwich.
    Peace and Love, Dear Ulla. May you never have to smack anyone in the face with a barbed wired dildo. 💖

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    1. Oh Sass, me too. This made me tear up again. I remember that post she did on her favourite artists. Like you, I learned a lot from her.

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  4. Pingback: Ulla, let me grieve you out and wish you well… | Marie Abanga's Blog

  6. Dear Ulla,
    Vanilla scented candle with a butterfly for Ulla’s Vigil
    Vanilla scented candle with a butterfly for Ulla’s Vigil

    I hope you smile at this candle I picked for you on my way home.

    You see, I went to help a friend with some decoration project for a wedding she had lined up today, and while there I kept keeping in touch with what was up on your special day over on your street. I also reblogged a few post from other tribes’ buddies which celebrated you and what you taught, thought and shared… She freaked me out at one point by saying I was ever on my phone… I sighed saying if only she knew I was there just to escape from melancholy at home where I would otherwise have been glued to my laptop reading and writing away with tear filled eyes. She overstepped her boundaries when she sent someone into my handbag without my permission. I just screamed in me f… it and left.

    I stopped by the supermarket and got a vanilla scented candle for you. Hope you don’t mind the scent. I think you’ll find that butterfly inside sarcastic or what…

    You said I was a good writer and could do excellent if I kept at it? Ok now, I will need to find another proof reader and ‘candid sounding board’.

    Ulla, today, I can’t and wouldn’t write much. I am reading all I come across on and for you, and keeping the vigil with the tribe. I know one day it shall be over for each and everyone of us too, but for now, we are here trying to strong for each other, trying to come to terms with life and its own ‘mental illness’, trying to survive this one more other day of grieving a dear one’s passing on…

    I wish you well Ulla, sincerely and candidly I do… it just hurts to think it got so bad and there was nothing I or any of us could do… I thought I had learnt so much about the ‘illness’ to help someone since I failed so woefully to help my own brother (yes I know what you kept telling me about this), but hmm … I still have so much to learn even about my own self…

    I grieve out you passing on, but I retain every memory of your gentle and kind soul. I’ll treasure the few emails and chats and I’ll always wish you well…
    Burn away all night for Ulla
    Burn away all night for Ulla

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  7. You fought valiantly, Blah. Now you get to rest. I’m sorry I don’t have anything deeper than that to say nor do I have any puns to drop.
    Goodbye, tribe leader. We will miss you.

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  8. Ah….’Comment or the dragon will toast you’. Never again will I read a blog post where this is the challenge to comment. I loved it when I first saw it and I love it now, although it makes me sad. I’ve written a post about Ulla to my own blog, but I’ve come here today to try to find a way to say my final goodbye. And I don’t really know how to do it.

    Ulla was an amazing woman. She gave so much to so many, even when she was suffering. I will miss her probably more then I even realize right now.

    Ulla…I’m so happy for you that you are not suffering anymore. I’m so happy that you are free. That you are reunited with your mother.

    That you are at peace.

    It’s ok that you left us behind. We will cope. We will keep your memory alive within the tribe.

    You have given me the push I was searching for to start fighting even harder and more publicly. And, if you dropped by to proofread in the dark of night, I wouldn’t hate it.

    Rest easy my dear beautiful friend.

    Strongs Mate.

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  9. Hi Ulla,

    I only knew you as blahpolar, but I’m glad to know your name now. I found your blog in the early days of my diagnosis, when I didn’t know what to do and all I felt was scared. You made me laugh, and you showed me a world where people could be funny and fun and awesome but also have this illness. I will always feel grateful to you for that. You showed a strength and a tenacity that you passed on to the rest of us. I’m so sorry that this disease took you. It’s unfair. I hate it. I hate it so, so much. I hope you’re happier now. I hope everything’s better. I hope you found what you were looking for on the other side. The rest of us here are missing something without you.

    Rest in peace. Thanks for everything you gave us while you were here, and you will be missed.

    Hazel

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  10. Started reading memorial comments, then realized there is no way I’m getting through 165 comments now. Fuck it. I need to take a bath, make sure my son eats something today, maybe step outside my house.

    So, here goes: Ulla, who I knew as Blahpolar, you struggled valiantly against bipolar depression. You tried meds, therapy, ECT. Nothing gave you relief. Your pain was unbearable. I believe that your choice to end the pain, to die, was yours to make. I hope that you are now with your mother, no longer in pain, and at peace. Shit, I don’t just hope it. I somehow believe it. At the very least, you are no longer in pain.

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  11. Okay, I couldn’t say goodbye with a couple of measly sentences. I am the wordy one people have to read in stages, brief isn’t me.

    I wrote this poem today. This is for Ulla/Blahpolar.

    The Warrior

    Like the warrior you were, you used every weapon in your arsenal

    and valiantly you fought the demons within

    Until those weapons dulled, crumbled- still you fought some more

    You did battle without armor, you charged in without a shield

    taking on shrapnel and bullets and wounds

    You didn’t quit, didn’t give up, no surrender

    you merely regrouped

    Until one day the battle went on one day too long

    you chose to retreat, waving a white flag

    you laid down your arms

    and finally found much deserved peace

    Gone but not forgotten, always revered, imprinted on our hearts and minds

    always you shall remain

    Our hero, our heroine

    THERE. Goodbye, Blah.

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  12. I am a fairly new blogger, and brand spankn newbie to this group. I read blahpolar’s blog and instantly felt at home. She sounds amazing beyond her powerful words. I’ve lost a friend in the “real” world and its just as big an impact in the cyber world. I appreciate learning more about her through you guys. I am sorry for your loss.

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  13. I just wanted to express my gratitude for this space and this chance to share. I was quite uncertain how or if I could contribute but I realize how vital it has been to begin to process my grief with others who “knew” Ulla in one way or another. When my parents recently died someone told me that your relationship with your parents does not end, it changes. My grieving for them is, of course, much more complex and will take a longer time to articulate. With Ulla, because our friendship was bound in words, words are coming much more readily and the grief is flowing. I did not know her long but we were instantly close (I can see that I was the first to comment on her “about” page even). When I boarded the bus and left East London last year, the heartache was immediate for both of us. I never stopped missing her. Our emails always ended with “I miss you. I love you.” In some strange way, with her release from her prison of pain, the 16,000 kms between us have evaporated. She is here. I feel her presence. I do not think we should think about her being gone or being elsewhere. I don’t have that belief in heaven. Those who leave us live on in our hearts and minds. We can keep her alive, each in our own ways.

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  14. I’m broken hearted to learn that blah polar is gone. It doesn’t seem real. You are a great blogging friend and will always be cherished.

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  15. Wow, guys, you are a great community and I’m overwhelmed and touched by your community spirit and your fond remembrance and love for Ulla. She would have both loved and hated to be the centre of attention <3

    Thanks also for your comments and for getting in touch with me, I will try to reply to everyone as soon as I can but I'm away with work for a week now and won't have much time to be online. Do reach out anytime though if/when you need, my email can be found a thousand times in this comments section or just comment here and I'll get back to you.

    ***Many people want to know how exactly Ulla died.
    I've known her for long enough to know that Ulla would not like me to talk a lot about where and how and so on, she would probably say it doesn't matter and that all that matters is that she's gone now. Ulla really valued discretion. She would totally understand that some of you would like to know, but she'd really think that it's ultimately irrelevant. I hope you can accept that I would like to respect what I can only guess would be her wishes. All I can say is: Ulla chose to end her own life. She was resolved. All of her life she has been a very intelligent and independent woman and I'm 100% sure she didn't make an impulsive decision, but rather one that was well-informed and well thought through. She passed away in the night between Wednesday the 31st and Thursday the 1st. Probably early on Thursday.

    ***Many people have asked me for pictures of Ulla.
    Ulla was a very private person. She didn't like to be photographed. For this reason I don't feel comfortable sharing pictures of her.

    ***Many people are asking about Solo.
    Solo is okay for now, she's at a good friend's house. The friend can't keep her though, as she already has 3 smaller dogs and they wouldn't get along. This friend is one of Ulla's closest and most beloved real-life people and I'm 100% sure she will not give Solo away unless it's to a good new home, of which she will thouroughly convince herself. Solo is not dead, she's still alive. Of course she is a bit confused but according to the friend she seems to know that her human won't return.

    ***Many people are asking what will happen next.
    Her brother is there now to settle her affairs. He will also decide on funeral arrangements and so on. I will let you know more once I know more.

    THANK YOU for sticking together as a community and for our friend. Keep helping each other and reaching out to each other in this difficult time and beyond.

    Much love to all of you and in Ulla's words:

    STRONGS.

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  16. She was a truly awesome person. She always knew the right thing to say whether it was to take a joke one step further, keep a conversation going or just comiserate about the Great Existential Ennui. She had this amazing ability to say so much with so few words. I didn’t correspond with her via email, because I sorta had a crush on her, and that always made it a bit awkward to know what to say, but I considered her a friend and a role model in how to be a better person (and yes, I know I’m married; what’s your point). And I will miss her. Oh God I’m going to miss her.

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    1. love is love is love, and if you think it was awkward, can you imagine me, a straight married guy, flirting with her, and honestly deciding I loved her soul, sight unseen, and to my surprise, her flirting back? How awkward and weird is that? But it was kind of funny too and we didn’t miss celebrating that. She was wonderful and weird and so smart and really had a great, twisted sense of humor, and I love her and my memories. Hold on.~DM

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  17. Pingback: Blahpolar – Invoke Delight and Inspire
  18. Pingback: Another Beautiful Life  Extinguished | Bipolar1Blog

  20. First I found her blog.
    Then I found out she passed away.

    It’s so strange reading words written by a person who’s gone. It’s so so strange.

    Hugs to all her friends.

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  21. Pingback: Sadness Behind the Smile – Birth of a New Brain

  22. Update: A new home has been found for Solo – on a farm, with a labrador for company.

    Family, local friends and neighbours are gathering at Ulla’s home on Wednesday 28th at 12pm South African time, to scatter her ashes in her favourite part of her favourite beach. There will be no formal ceremony: Ulla would truly, deeply, hate that! But some of those who come may want to say a few words. Others just want to be there for private remembrance and celebration of someone who holds a special place in our hearts. Think of us. We will think of you.

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  23. This poem was written for Ulla by Nell, and read today at the beach befor her ashes were scattered in the sea.

    BEACH-WALK.

    (for Ulla)

    ~They came across
    the slate-dark sand
    towards me,
    all the old war-torn,
    weathered days.
    ~My solace-sea
    beside me, pale as milk.
    ~Morning,
    bright with promise,
    danced in
    ozone-mist.
    ~The dogs of now,
    and the dogs of childhood,
    ran beside me
    panting their
    open-mouthed
    laughter –
    and every stone
    and sun-bleached bone
    whispered
    unbearable sadness.
    ~Then great seabirds came,
    in huge-winged strangeness
    (dreamed from some distant star.)
    And every compass swung
    to a different sun,
    and the new journey began.

    -nell skinner/sept/16-

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  24. I was thinking about you. I’d check to see if you had new posts every few weeks. I finally decided to check your comments and now I’m crying. I deleted all my old stuff, it always made me feel good when you commented, like my logorrhea made sense to someone else. I’ll miss you.

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  25. Should anyone pass this way now I wanted to leave a link to a requiem I wrote for Ulla. It took two months or more for me to gather and shape the 300 words that form this prose poem. It has been published along with five of my photos, reprocessed for the occasion, at The Sultan’s Seal, a site curated by Egyptian novelist and poet, Youssef Rakha. You can find it here: ://buff.ly/2fxHmvl

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      1. So soulful… so soulful… so soul searching… am finally planning that trip to SA but it’s lost a lot of purpose, really we out to do what we can for people esp when they are alive, and tell them too… Roughghosts I know you did and thank you for sharing this with us…

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        1. Thank you. I hope to go back to SA someday myself, for closure if nothing else, and to see some other people I did not get to visit. I won’t go back to that part of the Eastern Cape though, as beautiful and remote as it is. I’m afraid that would hurt too much.

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          1. Yes some sort of closure is always vip for grieving, but then there’s no formula and time frame… I wish you your soul’s desires… we can only do what we really can…

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          1. I agree. She’d like it and love and cherish it. Your loving intention and memories and her essence, make for a befitting, if not bittersweet, alchemy. Thank you.

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    3. That was really beautiful. Your relationship was one of the factors that gave me comfort in my distance from her, both in terms of friendship times, and physical distance. At the beginning of following her I used to think ah well, it’s so good she has roughghosts nearby. And you were! Despite the miles. Find comfort in the knowledge that so many of her smiles came from you. Beautiful piece xxx

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      1. Thank you. I sometimes wonder if I failed her, but I have to remember how hard she tried to fight this illness. Writing this prose poem has granted me some peace and it is the greatest gift I have to give her.

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        1. She would never let us think that. We had plenty of conversations about our previous attempts. And we agreed on one thing: that if one of us ever took that step (and at the time we confirmed to each other that we weren’t planning on taking it) the other person should never feel guilt that they could have done more. I’m not sure there was a person that could have changed her mind. It doesn’t make the pain any less severe but she would not want us to add guilt to it.

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  26. I can’t believe it. I’ve been away a while. The first blog I wanted to check on was Blahpolars and I read she’s gone. I know she’s been in a cold dark place for a very long time, but I thought she’d always be there with her witticisms, memes, information regurgitating and downright irreverence towards the medical profession. I simply can’t take this in. I’m gutted. Holy fuck! I have to go and cry now…

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  27. I found out late about what happened to her… too late. I feel so devastated by the news. I stopped blogging months ago and whenever I came to check here directly, I’d never scroll down to the comments section.

    All this time I thought she was simply in treatment, silently away.

    I found out what happened tonight.

    I want to tell you about the person I met. The person I came to know and what she meant to me. Her blog was the very first one I found when I started mine. I followed her immediately. Just one post. One post and I knew I had found gold.

    She was gold.

    She told me something like: “You’re not selfish or awful” and it was a first; the very first time someone understood and DID NOT judge me. The first time I felt welcomed, accepted, cared for. I basked in her humor. I loved her intelligence. She was so brilliant; creative and inspiring.

    She put so much thought into her posts, whether it was personal tidbits to the link dumps I excitedly waited for (EVERY TIME) — she always made me think, always made me open my heart. She helped me so much during some of the nastiest, darkest times of MY struggle with bipolar disorder.

    But, most of all, she made me accept myself.

    The me, the bipolar, what it made me and didn’t make me; she made me want to celebrate myself, flawed as I was. She always, ALWAYS encouraged me. Always.

    I will NEVER forget her.

    You’re shining bright, Blah. I can see you. You’re dazzling.

    Strongs, always in your memory. Strongs.

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        1. Disclaimer: I am not, nor shall I ever be, a mental health “professional.” But,

          I believe whatever you do constructively, that you feel is therapeutic, *is* therapeutic. I get an email whenever someone pops onto this blog and posts a comment, and it makes me happy and sad at the same time. As much as I disrespect most things media, I like James Lipton’s “Inside the Actor’s Studio” and his questions at the end. He seems to disarm the celebrity and enable them to be a little more liberated than the everyday appearances. The questions at the end…

          If Heaven exists, and Ulla is there, as I literally saw in a dream, I’d love for Ulla to have heard, “Strongs, Ulla! Come on in!” and then, the same as for myself, “Sorry about all the shit.” However they say it in Heaven. She endured a LOT, poor dear. I only met her online for two short years, but fortunately for me, fell almost immediately and deeply in love that went beyond a symptom.

          If Heaven exists, and I believe it does, I believe in the “communion of the saints,” which to me means they know. The old interpretation of “communion” meant “fellowship” and “saints” referred to followers on Earth AND in Heaven. Modern dilution teaches “communion” is bread and wine, and “saints” is those who were declared sainted by some papal (human?!) authority, which is bunkum.

          So, presuming the above is correct, Ulla knows the real me now, which is 3/4 comforting and liberating and 1/4 disconcerting, and she gets your Telegrams too. I know she wasn’t a believer in any typical sense, but here’s hoping I’m right and true love wins everything. Because I truly love her.

          I don’t know if that’s reassuring, but I hope so.

          ~Deon

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  28. Pingback: Fallen Angel | nombredelapluma

  30. Wow, wonderful blog stetuucrr! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The full look of your site is fantastic, as well as the content material!

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  31. That’s so fucking true. I hate all of those things that people tell me, it makes me feel angry and bad about myself. Like they say it’s my fault that I’m bipolar (ultra rapid cycling). “Just change your way of thinking”, “Be more positive” ‘Just controle yourself ” “Don’t you think about the consequences?” “I get upset sometimes too, but I just shrug it off and get over it” “It’s all in your head” LIKE WOW, SERIOUSLY? I didn’t realise my mental illness was in my head, thanks a lot. They will never understand the struggle to fight with yourself every day just to be a little “normal”, something they have without any effort. All those hallucinations, thoughts about suicide that follow you like a shadow, fear of what’s inside your head, fear of what can you do in a minute, hundreds of sleepless nights. And not to mention what’s happening with you when you’re depressed. My family blames me for what I did when I was manic, blames me for staying in bed sometimes. And the worst is that I blame myslef too.

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  32. andy2012 年 10 月 10 日游戏渠道: pp助手版幻想精灵 区服：闪耀平原 账号：U01253 ID号:1151 角色名：雨之痕 我的建议/想法：1、联盟可以学习技能，增加宠物捕捉几率的技能学习 2、被诅咒技能冰冻 恐吓等的宠物 有无法动弹的回合次数，每种技能的限制回合数不一样。不要都被冰冻了还能攻击。 3、多增加玩家一起组队互动 PK的环节。增加娱乐性，但希望可以考虑RMB和非RMB差距不要太大，那样就没法娱乐 4、节假日活动不要就是双倍啊什么的，增加点节日相关的活动，比如中秋，就组队打兔子得月饼之类的。 总之好的建议和内容很多很多。大家建议也很多。希望一点点完善，祝游戏越来越好。还有本来人少的区先玩别开新区，不然副本都没得打

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  33. Yep – if you’re running on WordPress.com, there’s already an Instagram icon. If you’re running with self-hosted, then you can easily upload you’re own in the Social admin panel .

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