Just another update

I’m sorry about the emails I either haven’t replied to, or replied to through a fog during or just after hospital. I hope it’s okay that I do one response here. I’m still feeling like shit, but apparently all vital signs are good and my kidneys are doing a good job. My liver will apparently be fine in time. The lung infection is clear too. I lost very little from my flooded house (most of my kitchen is the extent of it, but stuff got salvaged). I got my computer back and repaired today. Sometimes I feel as though I live a charmed life, with intermittent curses. I could’ve died and didn’t and I wish I could just feel pure gratitude, but I don’t. I’m trying to tell myself that for now it is okay to be resigned to being alive, and that I must work (live) from this point onwards. People have been and still are being amazingly lovely, I feel shame…. I’m ashamed that I have so much and don’t relish life. My room mate in the public hospital told me she’d got hiv+ from her bf over four years ago, and that she was dying now. Our toilet, which was shared between some rooms, was full of raw sewage. Going to the toilet meant wandering through wards till you found a usable one. The showers were similar. There was good care there too, though I had to get one lot of meds from elsewhere, because the hospital ran out. I was delusional initially, and very scared of all sorts of imagined conspiracies. Shrink two was on leave, but came to see me. Shrink one just referred the whole matter onwards. I still can’t eat or drink much, but I think it’s getting steadily better. Flat coke and Marie biscuits are my staple at the moment, though not huge amounts of either. I’m back home with my dog now, I sleep a lot, which feels like some kind of mercy actually. I’m also back on fluoxetine and olanzapine and next week I’ll be back on CBT.

Lots of you are going through tough times out there and I’m here hoping that things ease up a bit and that you can find some stability.

Wrote this a week or two before I got sick:

thanks for the hit and miss pills
and the badly applied bandaids
excuse me while i haemorrhage
all over your nice upholstery
i’ll take my bloodstained baggage
with me when i go.

Oh yeah. Hippies. Some people I know and care about a lot, decided to perform some sort of new age idk what what healing on me. Without knowing anything more than my name, apparently four of their connections who were asked to help, immediately ‘intuited’ that I’m in darkness, my heart is in a vice grip, my heart chakra is surrounded in stone and so on. If I’m not mistaken, I think I’m being meditated upon with white candles and flowers at this very moment.

Go home, humanity, you’re drunk….

It’s kindly meant, I just…. I can’t even.

Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

48 thoughts on “Just another update”

  1. Beyond grateful you’re okay…
    beyond relieved that you’re back with one of my favorite dogs in the world…
    and while there’s lots more I could write, I’ll spare you my gory rambling.

    Since I live in Hippie Central, I’ll buy a Reiki-charged “healing” candle and I’ll light it and do whatever Stevie Nicks, I mean the store owner advises I do – I’ll do it because if a candle does anything to help you across the miles, it’s worth my going into “Mountain Spirit”!

    Love you!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I’m happy to see you writing, although not so happy you’re going through some shit. As a hippie myself, I’ll be sure to send some fairy-hippie-dippie-mary-poppins light to you. You’re awesome, blahpolar.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. If I had white candles and flowers I’d have Buttercup light ’em up and toast you… I mean toast to you. I’ll drink a v/t with lime in your honour tonight, and pray some more today. And tomorrow. And the next day, and so on. I’m so glad to hear from you, despite the misadventures. I’d swear I saw you give a thumbs-up to my rather (nutty?) evangelical blog entry… and I LOVE you even more for that. Your presence encourages me at all levels and keeps all my wheels turning.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. So good to see you posting. I have resisted messaging you, even considered phoning (and I will when/if you want to talk – I remember how important it was for me to hear your voice when I was recovering from my own unplanned near appointment with death last year). I trust that you know how heavily you rest on my heart. I was just processing some more shots from our visit to Caro’s and thinking about how nice that was and how desperately empty this world would feel without one of the only souls who truly understands me in it. I’m gonna stop now before I cry. Can’t see through the tears at the moment. Love.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I can’t meditate. My brain won’t let me. So, instead, I’ll send you some cheery vibes, and hope you feel better soon xoxoxo

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m so glad you’re back and much better than you were. Back on your meds, all the organs working. Sending you love and millions of hugs for more healing and light to come in your life. I love the hippies hahaha. XXXXXOOOOOOOO

    Liked by 1 person

  7. A flood? Your home is damaged? Your liver will recover in time? I’m not even gonna ask. I’m just glad you’re alive, or still living at least. I don’t even have any white candles. The best I could offer is to put a torch on for you….and chant…..but the neighbours would complain about the disturbance. So let me simply say, you have a place in my heart and I’m so grateful you’re back, and you’re safe <3

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thinking of you and sending healing thoughts. I feel for you having to be in the hospital. I hate being in the hospital and your toilet (or lack of…) situation would have been maddening to me.

    Glad you are home with your dog. I am sure you were missed. I was wondering the other day who was taking care of your dog.

    You may have written that in another post. I have been in a brain fog and am having trouble remembering things from one minute to the next….so if I forgot it is not because I was not reading the posts.

    Love and peace,

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I just wish I stayed a bit longer and could have helped you with all this :( I’m glad you are back with The Dawg and recovering.

    I wanted to ask you about your hospital stay. How the hospitals work over there. Maybe during our chats.

    Funny you mention proneness to conspiracies. Same thing happened to my mother during her later stages at the hospice. Maybe it’s just the uncomfortable environment. Fear to be forgotten. Feeling to be one’s own. That won’t happen, though.

    Depression, eh? You’re depressed and then you are ashamed of being depressed because it’s illogical, and then the shame adds to the depression. I know it all too well. But if depression was logical it would just be sadness and it isn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Not to sound like the hippies, but I’m sending good vibes your way. I’m just glad you’re okay and I’m thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. “I just can’t”….I snorted…I’m sorry you have been going through this. I’m happy you are getting through it with your wit intact. You are strong, and we are all the better for “knowing” you. I promise I’m not saying some secret incantation as I type this.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Holla, it took me a while to get here, am structurally adjusting to some new life. Anyway, at least Marie Biscuits are among one of the few eatables I read. I wish you so well, envious of all those who have dogs, I wish I did. Thanks for the update, helas the the real picture… one toe at a time, one smile or frown at a time…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I had been sporadically checking your blog and getting more and more worried about seeing the wistful words picture, then an update appeared that I had no access to read. This is the first time in however long that I’ve actually been able to see any updates to your blog since then. I hope you are feeling better, hospital is shit at the best of times. It’s lovely that well wishers are thinking wishfully in your general direction with candles etc. I wish I could believe in all that hippie dippy crap still, then I wouldn’t ever feel depressed about the pointlessness of life and futility of death. I used to, but the more I learn about life, the universe and everything the more I think it’s all a waste of effort. Most of my time centres around trying to do something – anything – to take my mind off of death and the sheer lack of point of existence. I hear religious and new age types don’t have these concerns, but it’s not as simple as *wanting* to believe in something that doesn’t ring true.
    That aside, I am glad you’re back on the internet, and I hope the flood damage is at least workable around. Floods are shit, hospitals are shit… if you combine the two, they really ought to cancel each other out, like double negatives in grammar.
    Have a hug, or possibly a Hugh (of your choice. Laurie and Jackman are both available behind the bar but Grant’s currently at the bottom of the sea because he’s a bit wet. I’d take Laurie because Bertie Wooster is always good company and he could probably make most people look like a cove by comparison).

    Liked by 1 person

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