I’m sorry about the emails I either haven’t replied to, or replied to through a fog during or just after hospital. I hope it’s okay that I do one response here. I’m still feeling like shit, but apparently all vital signs are good and my kidneys are doing a good job. My liver will apparently be fine in time. The lung infection is clear too. I lost very little from my flooded house (most of my kitchen is the extent of it, but stuff got salvaged). I got my computer back and repaired today. Sometimes I feel as though I live a charmed life, with intermittent curses. I could’ve died and didn’t and I wish I could just feel pure gratitude, but I don’t. I’m trying to tell myself that for now it is okay to be resigned to being alive, and that I must work (live) from this point onwards. People have been and still are being amazingly lovely, I feel shame…. I’m ashamed that I have so much and don’t relish life. My room mate in the public hospital told me she’d got hiv+ from her bf over four years ago, and that she was dying now. Our toilet, which was shared between some rooms, was full of raw sewage. Going to the toilet meant wandering through wards till you found a usable one. The showers were similar. There was good care there too, though I had to get one lot of meds from elsewhere, because the hospital ran out. I was delusional initially, and very scared of all sorts of imagined conspiracies. Shrink two was on leave, but came to see me. Shrink one just referred the whole matter onwards. I still can’t eat or drink much, but I think it’s getting steadily better. Flat coke and Marie biscuits are my staple at the moment, though not huge amounts of either. I’m back home with my dog now, I sleep a lot, which feels like some kind of mercy actually. I’m also back on fluoxetine and olanzapine and next week I’ll be back on CBT.
Lots of you are going through tough times out there and I’m here hoping that things ease up a bit and that you can find some stability.
Wrote this a week or two before I got sick:
thanks for the hit and miss pills
and the badly applied bandaids
excuse me while i haemorrhage
all over your nice upholstery
i’ll take my bloodstained baggage
with me when i go.
Oh yeah. Hippies. Some people I know and care about a lot, decided to perform some sort of new age idk what what healing on me. Without knowing anything more than my name, apparently four of their connections who were asked to help, immediately ‘intuited’ that I’m in darkness, my heart is in a vice grip, my heart chakra is surrounded in stone and so on. If I’m not mistaken, I think I’m being meditated upon with white candles and flowers at this very moment.
Go home, humanity, you’re drunk….
It’s kindly meant, I just…. I can’t even.