crash test dummy

“I have a feeling that you’re riding for some kind of a terrible, terrible fall.” —The Catcher in the Rye

I crashed. Of course I crashed. I woke this morning and the bright, yellow sun was blazing already. I felt leaden and full of fear like wings flapping; I’ve read bloggers calling them birds and moths lately and that’s just what it feels like. Someone else posted a photo of shirts saying, ‘anxiety is my cardio’ and true enough, it’s bloody exhausting.


It’s February, you see, and so the third anniversary of my mother’s death is coming up. Lots of bad stuff barely buried there. Synapse will be here with me for it. Might have to relax the rules and just get drunk or something. Eighteen days to go.


One of many, many things I loathe about death, is all of the conversations it cuts short, the mutual interests. Albums get released, books published and I grow angry. It’s horrible, sitting alone with a pile of stuff that should be shared. Music is a bloody nightmare, we shared a lot. Books too. Our tastes varied enough to avoid the book thing much of the time, but music, forget it. I’ll start off just listening to stuff I love that she didn’t (hip hop, for example), but soon enough, the guitars and ballads creep home. “You’re into harmony,” she said to me once, “that’s what you’re about.”


Someone I thought of as incredibly fine told me yesterday that she gets angry and wants to slash her wrists some days.

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

21 thoughts on “crash test dummy”

  1. My grandfather speaks to me continually. Every time I walk down a flight of stairs I hear him telling me to hold the handrail. Every time I make a left turn I hear him telling me to look left, then right, then left again before turning. He’s been gone 15 years.

    I can’t imagine having shared something like music with someone who has passed, especially a mother. Songs have the power to remind us of so much. And to have them remind you a something terribly sad is unfair in the extreme.

    Thinking of you Strongs to you my dear

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  2. My thoughts go out to you during this difficult time…
    But true to yourself, you still gave me a chuckle with the chair shrinking the sofa. Don’t ever let that bastard bipolar take away your humor.

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  3. The weather today : horizontal rain topped with howling winds. As I looked out the window at the dancing trees, really unwilling to step out for a walk I heard his voice,”Common Mamma. Don’t be such a chicken.” I had a invigorating hour long walk followed by the best hot cross buns ever!

    We’ve just got a find a way. Sending you big hugs and lots of love. xxx

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  4. I’m glad you’ll have someone there with you. Sounds like you’ve lost a foundational person in your life, your mother. I’m envious of your pain. I don’t mean for that to sound trite, but it’s true. Most days I’m glad my mother is dead.

    <3 Someday this load will lighten a bit. Someday you'll hear a song you shared with your mom and it will bring back glad memories and not make your heart ache so much. In the meantime, be as kind to yourself as you can be. xo

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  5. I’m sorry if my post yesterday triggered things – I didn’t know about the music thing. I hope it levels out again for you soon. It’s just all so shit. The couch/armchair thing made me giggle though.

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    1. It’s another time I’m very sorry we’re geographically so distant. More than the teasing and flirting, I wish I could be there to just be there for you. It’s not as good as being there for you to hang out, maybe trade tears and hugs, but for whatever it’s worth I want you to know I’m HERE for you. I want to go for a walk with you and hold your hand, just so you know I’m real and I really care deeply for you, I literally cried in church yesterday, maybe not THAT odd of an occurrence, but specifically I’ve not cried before while remembering all my friends on WordPress. I have been praying for you and several others so hard it hurts. But also I celebrated because I’m already doing what our pastor taught about, (hallelu-jah, I’m doing SOMETHING right) and he chose one of MY favorite texts to preach it. I will blog on this soon.~Love, DM

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        1. Contrary to certain people, God loves godless heathens. (even me, though I have a funny way of showing it though, maybe because he has a funny way of showing me) And even sometimes calls to them. (see Luke 5, or Mark 2) Scary, no? More on this if I can blog today.

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