in brief

So now I’m three days into the olanzapine and fluoxetine meds regime. I prefer the word regime to cocktail, because meds generally seem to arrive in jackboots and take over my life. Also, there are no parasols or  disgusting maraschino cherries in sight. I’ve gone from spending about two thirds of my life asleep, to being wide and wired awake most of the time. I don’t like it. I need some balance. I need some sleep too. I’m not going to freak though, I live a quiet life and in terms of avoiding mania, the odds are probably in my favour. I tend more towards mixed episodes anyway.

Anxiety is a well worn Möbius strip (oh lol autocorrect made it ‘strop’, how perfect) shaped warpath in my mind. It shall henceforth be known as the Möbius strop. Möbius trip, Möbius trope… It’s almost 1am and I’m sitting fretting about a friendship. Rumination, ruination.

Ugh I bore myself shitless too.

What if I don’t manage to get back into life properly? What if I’m stuck out here on the fucking perimeter? What what what the fuck.

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

36 thoughts on “in brief”

  1. I do hope some equilibrium settles in soon. I have no other practical advice. For the last two nights I was out at my parents’ place and actually slept 8 hours both nights. 5-6 is my norm. No wireless and only carefully budgeted use of my data plan with my tablet helped. And I did have some batshit weird dream last night (caffeine withdrawal). My dad checked himself out of the hospital against all advice and I went up to help out (i.e. pick him up off the floor, help him out of chairs) but I think they’ll manage. I’ll go back for a few days next week though.

    Know that I’m sending troops of good thoughts to you. Sorry that’s all I have right now but I have given them their marching orders. Oh, and it’s a totally outrageous queer army too, shake up the neighbourhood a little and help you get off the Möbius treadmill.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Your troops are beautiful, and so are you. I’m so, so sorry to hear things are tricky there – it’s inevitable I suppose, but no less tragic for it. Again, there are 16k or so miles to curse hey….

      Please try and take care of yourself somehow, amidst it all.

      And I really, really appreciate you still sparing good thoughts for me.

      Strongs and love.


  2. I’m doing the opposite the past few days, sleeping all the time when I am accustomed to painful wakefulness. It certainly must get better, more even, right?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ditto – what Beeps said – and, if you’re sleepless in die Kaap in, chuck us a text – I can bore you to sleep. I’m clever like that 😜

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Early days, I presume. I am no chemist but I’m guessing your body needs time to adjust. The one thing you can be sure about in this life is change at some point. Hey the good side (for us, cause we’re selfish) is maybe you’ll write more! :D

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hang in there, the olanzapine should make you sleep, eventually. It’s possible it could be reacting to the other meds leaving your system, if you were on them for a while and it got changed instead of there being a weening off process in between. The shit thing about meds and mental illness is that no one reacts in the same way, so there is never a definitive medication or medication set for people. I hope you find some peace with it soon. My doctor always told me, it takes 2 weeks for medication to start working as it should, so one week after it’s clear whether a medication is more harmful then good. It fucking sucks, it really does.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. But I only just read the comments and realised you would probably know all of this already… I can only speak from experience about the olanzapine and also the med cycle I went through.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I don’t like maraschino cherries either-hell I don’t like cherries in general after eating so many off the tree as I kid I was sick..
    How’s the ostrich timer working? Maybe we can race the walrus(es) {walrie?} after the timer goes off.
    If anyone has a good track record they are either a liar or in denial, and NOT the river in Egypt.
    Med changes suck big ass donkey balls. Ive been taking naps the last few days from 2-4 and nauseous. Must be side effects from too many bipolars around 😉
    At least you are not slumped or troped yet.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. “disgusting maraschino cherries” made my soul weep. I’ve loved those since I was six and my mom would take me out for a “kiddie cocktail”. (What, ya think rednecks are advanced enough to know it’s called a Shirley Temple?)

    Liked by 1 person

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