how do we solve a problem like blahpolar?

I was just sitting in the u-bend, thinking about death. (Moaning Myrtle, Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets)

I take 150mg of clozapine at 8am and 200mg at 8pm. For the afternoon abyss, there’s sulpuride prn as a safety net. As for the future, it depends on whether certain side effects of clozapine cease. I might be shifting both doses to night time, the dose might increase, or the whole thing will have been a bust and I’ll be switching to olanzapine plus fluoxetine. ECT is allegedly still there as an option, but with all sorts of public health sector caveats attached.

Shrink two: can you pinpoint any positives to do with clozapine?
Me: no.

But it’s me saying no wait, let’s give it more time before ditching it. I’m tired of new meds and new side effects, I’m tired of feeling as though I’m on some sort of horribly twisted Möbius hamster wheel. I can handle another three weeks and then I suppose I’ll handle whatever comes after that.

Shrink two: what stops you killing yourself?
Me: my dog and my cowardice.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it. Can’t write anymore right now, it’s too sore.

Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

61 thoughts on “how do we solve a problem like blahpolar?”

  2. My cat saved my life once <3 Funny how people can tell you all kinds of things with good intentions but animals…they just know….and they don't say anything….they don't judge you….for my cat….I broke down and cried because I was like "who is going to feed the cat? " If you're feeling up to it, I am having a "post party" feel free to stop by and share with us :)

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  3. Ugh I went through the mad med party a few years ago. My awful doctor at the time had me on about 10 different meds in about 20 weeks. Left my head spinning. Finally changed doctors and went back on Lithium. Still on it. Just wanted you to know that I know how you feel when you talk about sixty million side effects. There is something out there for you. Ask them about Deplin or l methyl folate too. Who knows? It may help a tiny bit and put you back up over the edge. And keep thinking if your dad. Love and hugs for you. 🦄🦄

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  4. I got another rat after Arthur died last spring as a kind of life insurance policy. The number of people whose lives have been saved by animals in a mental health sense I’m sure far outweighs the more traditional “dragged out of a burning building” shit.

    Strongs, as has already been sent, & said.. Clozapine is one of the few I think I’ve never tried.

    Do you fancy holding a singalongablahpolar? And would we get to wear nun costumes?

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    1. Of course there’d be nun costumes (lol).

      I don’t actually want my life saved anymore, but here I am, plus dog, and so it’s saved. I don’t know how many more years of depression I can handle.

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  5. Ick. I hope the clozapine starts miraculously working for you in the coming weeks so you don’t have to try anything else but the combination one (did you say olanzapine and prozac?) sounded promising for less side effects.

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  6. ::praying this doesn’t piss you off, it’s intended in the spirit of encouraging humor, I only have half a wit, you know.::

    I’d like to think you love me enough to stick around just to see the next whatever-mix I come out with next,, and, not to be overly self-centered and selfish, to encourage me through MY abysses. It might be awful, it might be genius, but it’s mine and it’s all I can offer. And it’s free, so whatever you paid for it, you paid too much.

    Don’t let the u-bend become the drain. I hope the meds actually start to work for you and not against. Because for all my personal, self-centered, ass-hole-ery, I do love you, I want to encourage you through your abysses, and I want to see yours, too. …if you know what I mean.

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      1. holy crap (so to speak) if I’m the closest thing you have to a “padre.” I’m the creepiest person I know. But I’ll tell it to you straight, whether waxing spiritual or ranting (whereupon I’m rather not). I love that though, thank you! And love you for putting up with my bullshit. You’re awesome, and Toaster is too.

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    1. I appreciate the sentiment, but I chose the word consciously and carefully:

      “You’re gutless. It’s how you were made. And that’s not such a bad thing because your saving grace is that you’ve never lied to yourself about it. Not about that. Nothing wrong with cowardice as long as it comes with prudence. But when a coward stops remembering who he is… God help him.”
      Khaled Hosseini

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      1. Fair enough. It’s just that “coward” is one label I would never put on you. You made me more courageous. But I get the feeling of being trapped, it’s still not gone for me.
        (+1 for Khaled Hosseini)

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  8. Thinking of you and trying not to remember that those “hills that are alive” (with the sounds of teeth grinding) in your corner of the planet are sand dunes. Stick to the solid ground. xxox

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      1. Sadly I can’t offer any platitudes here, I know the feeling too well and feel it right now myself. All I can say is that knowing you are in the world and that I want to see you again, is one of the very few lights on the thread that I am holding to at the moment (and that is not a platitude, it is from my heart).

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      2. please stay in the trap with me,
        I know it sucks and I’m sorry,
        but my misery loves your company.
        ~DM I’m sorry, it’s not much comfort especially in a stupid poem, but I do love you and hope things improve quickly for you.

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  10. It seems like there has to be a better existance than having to proactively find things to make us want to inhale the next breath. Something is horribly wrong with this existance.

    There must be something we are missing. I still have energy at certain times of the day to keep searching . with hopefulness, for meaning and purpose to the pain.

    Upon waking up every single morning I do understand how you feel about not thinking it is worth the continuation (did I spell that right? ) of this life, which seems to be an adverture into darkness and more and more pain. …but somehow miraculously after 2 or 3 hours I feel a spark of hope.

    Then by nighttime I go into a completely different mindset of painful hopefulness and believe I can find the answers and the solutions to ease the suicidal ideations of everyone.

    Then I sleep…wake up…into the abyss and do not want to wake up again…but I know if I can hold on and tredge thru several hours my brain will change completely and the physical pain also eases as the hours pass.

    I think sometimes I must be able to find a lighter path for you to travel…but that depends what time of day it is. There is a reason I never message you in the morning….mostly I try to comment to you at night.

    I rarely talk to you this time of day….afternoon….which may be why you are getting a different side of my brain right now……either that or it is only my perception that it is different….maybe it is exactly the same brain you already know and accept without judgement.

    So….answers to the existential problem…..????….I surely will have some at 2 am….but right now it is 2 pm…..

    I do love and care about you….and that never changes based on any time of the day. You are a special and precious soul and our world ( your readers) is most certainly a better place with you in it.
    Annie

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  11. I hate that you are suffering, and I hate that I can’t possibly understand what you are going through. What I do know is that all the way across the world there is a person who looks forward to reading what you write, and she has learned so much by reading your posts. Because of you I am able to relate to my brother in a much better way. This is an extraordinary gift to us both. Much like your suffering it is immeasurable. You have changed the lives of two total strangers for the better. I suffer because I know I can not return the great gift you’ve given. No one can take your place. I am keeping you close to heart, and sending you much love & light. G-uno

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  13. I’d like to think if I swept you away up here you’d feel better. That my mania could pick you up and bring you along for the ride. But I won’t insult you by really thinking that way. I know what it’s like to be so deep that things like that can’t reach you.

    Wish the occasional joke we share was enough to give you some hope. Wish I could give you some peace. <3

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      1. lol! Really? Batwoman is gay? Well with that outfit, I guess it’s in EVERY sense of the word, then. ;)

        If it’ll cheer you up, I’ll wear wonderwoman pants or undies that proudly proclaim “I’M A STUD MUFFIN” on my ass. Your choice. :-D

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  14. I am so sorry for your suffering. It is commendable that despite such deep despair you read other posts and even ‘ like’ and comment on them. Thank you for staying connected. I have learnt so much from you! There is hope. Please hang on to it. Reach out and share as you do. Sending you big hugs and lots of love too. xxx

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    1. There are a few issues with getting ect there. It’d need to be inpatient for the first lot at least, and beds are very scarce. And then there’s the chief anaesthetist who refuses to do the anaesthetic for it, because he says it’s barbaric (he is also the man who goes bear hunting in Siberia every year).

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      1. Oh. Barbaric. I can see where he’s coming from, but surely it’s your choice? What did the poor bears ever do to him anyway? Oh well, let’s see where this drug thing takes you, fingers crossed xx

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  16. Well thank God for your dog and your cowardice. That’s all I gotta say about that…Actually, no! No, that’s not all o gotta say. Not that this is life changing for you, but you have changed many lives with this blog, you’ve certainly changed mine. Before I discovered you, and as a result the vastly huge community that adores you, I felt the bipolar blogging community not exactly interactive. And then enter Blahpolar and the great people who support one another and my life hasn’t been the same since. So maybe add “blogging” to the list of things that prevent you from killing yourself.

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    1. *faints* I’m no good at accepting compliments – actual I’m not even good at comprehending them… Thanks ten thousand times for saying such beautiful things.

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  17. Ag man! It distresses me to hear you’re still struggling through this 😢😢😢😢😢

    I’d like to echo what others have said… Discovering your blog, and the other amazing bipolar bloggers who form part of this community, has made a huge difference to my life.

    I wish there was something that could be said or done that would permanently rid you of this depression. But I do remember that when I was there, there were no words or deeds that made me feel better. I have all my fingers and toes crossed that your meds will start lifting your mood.

    You, and your beautiful, gifted, heart, are treasured by myself, and many others.

    Strongs! Amandla 💪🏻

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  19. It’s shit dealing with side effects from a new drug, waiting to see if they dissipate, they don’t and then you have to start all over again with all new side effects. Olanzapine was like a miracle drug for me but I had severe water retention and doc worried about stroke. But like you, I kept saying no, no let’s try it for a bit longer in the hopes it would ease off. In the end he stopped it and boom! I was in hospital on suicide watch….and he worried about a ‘lil ‘ole stroke…..

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    1. What meds are you on now? Since stopping clozapine and starting olanzapine and fluoxetine, I’ve been assaulted by a migraine, but I’ve got no idea whether it’s meds related.

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      1. I’m on 800mg lithium, 50mg trepiline (to sleep). I stopped the venlafaxine 1 Dec. When I saw doc mid Jan, he said I’m still in withdrawal so no more meds for another 3 months. During withdrawal I had many bad headaches but only one motherfucker of a migraine. I put it down to withdrawal. When you think of the side effects we get, the chemical components of the meds, our body’s must go through a massive beating. It’s got to affect the brain in an inflammatory way. Our digestive systems feel it (diarrhea), our skin (rashes), metabolism, thyroid etc. I feel for you with a migraine – too painful

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