I was just sitting in the u-bend, thinking about death. (Moaning Myrtle, Harry Potter & the Chamber of Secrets)
I take 150mg of clozapine at 8am and 200mg at 8pm. For the afternoon abyss, there’s sulpuride prn as a safety net. As for the future, it depends on whether certain side effects of clozapine cease. I might be shifting both doses to night time, the dose might increase, or the whole thing will have been a bust and I’ll be switching to olanzapine plus fluoxetine. ECT is allegedly still there as an option, but with all sorts of public health sector caveats attached.
Shrink two: can you pinpoint any positives to do with clozapine?
But it’s me saying no wait, let’s give it more time before ditching it. I’m tired of new meds and new side effects, I’m tired of feeling as though I’m on some sort of horribly twisted Möbius hamster wheel. I can handle another three weeks and then I suppose I’ll handle whatever comes after that.
Shrink two: what stops you killing yourself?
Me: my dog and my cowardice.
Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it. Can’t write anymore right now, it’s too sore.