Fuck

Well my amygdala is very firmly in control of my brain at the moment. Strong little fucker, like a jack russell on coke, selling me fight and flight, two for the price of one. Jaws like a gin trap, teeth like a tiger’s, gaze as baleful as a basilisk’s. 

Fuck.

Fucken lizard.

Shrinks one and two will have brighter eyes than mine when they ask how my Christmas was. I’ll probably look a bit confused while I try to explain that I was in an uncomfortable stupor, interspersed with hectic agitation and a little light self harm. Got my Christmas sodding  stocking stuffed full of triggers and shame and pain.

Fuck.

The other day I added self harm to the list of things I track. How utterly fucking great, I went a few years clear of it and now… well here I fucking am again. There’s so much good in and about my life and I can’t seem to do more than look through a fish tank at it.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I hate myself so fucking much. I just can’t seem to catch a fucking break these days. Well actually my main issue at the moment is that I don’t know how to make sense of my life. That’s the crux of it.

Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

48 thoughts on “Fuck”

  1. Fuck bipolar fucking with you… we can be sadly fragile folk sometimes, just being awake can be a minefield of triggers. I know it well and still struggling to negotiate it.

    I will be thinking of you. Spending time with you was one of the absolute highlights of my year.

    Peace, friend.

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  2. I want to set a tiger on the shit you’ve been going through. I want it to tear it all to shreds so you can feel better. Although you might need more than one. Five hundred tigers. Someone with a tiger farm should send you five hundred tigers to claw through all the bad stuff for you. And a giant fluffy bunny for afters.
    Christmas sucks.

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      1. I have five rabbits. They do a pretty good job, although borrowing the tigers might be a plan. As long as they don’t break free. Could do without Roger Waters’ embittered vitriol.

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  3. If true love were the cure you’d be well right now, and feel a warmth like a hug from me all the time. You are a delight and a joy to me when I need joy. i hope the feeling is mutual. Praying you feel reasonable again very soon.~Wishing you only the best, Deon

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  4. Aye. Mine asked what I would do for Christmas — as if we all have something to do or people to do it with. Never mind she knows my history so the forgetfulness was just a double reminder that I am just one black sheep among the many for her. Whatever. Life is a journey that I never signed up to take. Screw the views from the window; I’m gonna sleep!

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  5. I’m alone-sans kids for the first time in 13 years and THAT doesn’t make the wheel-o-misery any better. I think those in the tribe, particularly the Femmes have all had a shitty year. A week ’til the new year. Not even gonna make a resolution. Just fucking live to my best ability.
    Here try the chocolate. It’s good. 🍫🌅☕ watching the sunset over the ocean and drinking tea, not talking, just being there for each other ❤❤

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  6. I wish I could make it better for you. I am sitting on a quite beach in Goa with my computer trying to make sense of my life and thinking of you. Sending you lots and lots of love and thanking you for taking this journey with me with such love and understanding. Love you. xxx

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    1. Very much appreciated, I wish I could make it better for you too. And Saagar…. The hell of this thing is that all your searching for what could have been done will never get you a solid answer. You could have given up everything else and devoted every single molecule and moment to keeping your son safe and this horrible, horrible illness would still have been able to get over and through and around it all. I can’t even begin to tell you how much my being the way I am hurt my mother.

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  8. If my body were there instead of my ghost, I’d be fighting you over the self harm thing. I’d take the hits from you, gladly. I would NOT let you hurt yourself no matter how hard you fought me. And you could yell and scream at me and call me all sorts of hurtful names and I’d stay there, I’d keep taking it. I’d hold your head when you got sick and tell you jokes when you looked grumpy. You’re worth all that and more.

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  11. Feeling useless at the moment, still sick on xmas, drinking kids cough syrup as if it was water (can’t take the strong stuff due to MAOI contraindications) but want you to know you’re in my thoughts. I hope the shit shifts, and that you are able to make sense of life in the days to come. ‘re-read these lovely comments in particularly low moments. I am praying (agnostically) you keep the self-harm to a low roar or no roar. You could. write about what you want to do here, perhaps, instead of actually doing it. In any case I love you. Many others do too. Will email you a new video of Lucy cavorting in the snow and a link you might like today….it’s 442 am and woke up due to a nightmare in which I was going to be a bloody yoga teacher!!! ;) (I loathe yoga) xoxo xoxo

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  14. You’re in such distress and I am helpless. I’m sorry you are in such pain, Blah. Ummmm, make an advent calendar until the date your doc gets back from his/her extravagant holidays, and you can see them and get some proper relief. Thinking of you even when I’m not around xx

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  15. CHRIST ON A CRACKER! Sorry to the religious people reading. For some reason and I’m not even going to wonder why, I haven’t been getting any of the posts that you do. I had to hunt this one down because I knew something wasn’t right. I mirror your feelings. Very difficult. Very hard to get yourself out of. I’ve been the way you are for some time now and seem to be developing some aggression and anger. I’ve never had that before. I was actually kicked out of my sister’s house by my brother in law while she held him back with one hand. I’m 120 pounds now and thought I could take him on! lol I’m an idiot. I ruined Christmas for everyone. You have one of the best hearts ever. You are needed in this world. I have read things you have written and thought “Ok I can do this, it WILL BE BETTER.” I just have to wait it out. Easier said than done. I know. You have saved me from myself. Just know that. But no pressure! lol Love and respect Darie

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  17. I know such things usually disappear under the layer of self-loathing but you are loved by many, and admired by even more… many (not my first language). I don’t think anybody can make sense of their lives but I give you a lot of credit for my current state and existence. You matter, and you make the world better. As for selfharm, you do it to get by. Don’t add shame to your burden. Many hugs, so many hugs!

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