single player in a multiverse

I’ve lost count of how many posts I’ve started and then abandoned lately. December was going to be tough anyway, even before the advent (ha not very ha) of clozapine. Adventures and misadventures with clozapine are dominating me so hard right now; I hate it. They’re not the worst side effects I’ve experienced, and they’ll pass; it’s just that one of them happens to trigger stuff for me. Thank fuck shrink one is cool about consulting via email sometimes.

More often than not, I sound like a complete grinch round this time of year, but of course the external bitterness demonstrates internal hurt. Blah blah fucken blah, right…. Clozapine’s little cycles and foibles fuck the whole thing right up the ass this year anyway.

Remember the douchebag neighbour’s homophobic boyfriend? Apparently she dumped him last week, because, “we’re just not compatible.” This is where I make the sarcastic W for whatever sign with my hands.

So Christmas and clozapine have their boot soles aimed at my arse, and no doubt menopause is in the same position. Grief though…. Grief for a long line of my dead and the lion’s share of it for my mother. That particular grief is a fist in my throat at the moment.

I can’t write any more right now, it’s all too jagged and bleak.

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

26 thoughts on “single player in a multiverse”

  1. I’ve never seen anyone post Placebo’s Running Up That Hill!!! It was my ANTHEM!! AND the Pixies. Oh man. I look forward to your posts always, no matter how jagged!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hate this fuckery you are enduring. I’m thankful shrink 1 helps out via email. That is very cool. Lola-fuckin-Bipola is also here for you sista. Holla at me.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Re: “Remember the douchebag neighbour’s homophobic boyfriend? Apparently she dumped him last week, because, “we’re just not compatible.”


    I didn’t expect *that* ever! I wonder if she’ll be visiting you a lot more now that her barnacle is gone? If she does drop by mucho, don’t let her dump on you – send her to a bloody $cientologists meeting if you must. ;) Or take up drumming and scare her off with that whenever she comes on over. You can say you’re doing “drumming therapy”! (Kidding. Well, maybe not.)

    ANYHOO….I’m still very sick, worse than yesterday, which threw me for a loop. I lied in my blog post & said I was fine since my mother reads them. I went Christmas shopping today and bought cold medicine, cough medicine and cough drops. Exciting stuff!

    Wish I had a magic wand to wave so that your mom and my dad were still around. Remember, in your case (this is just *my* opinion but of course I’m right) the loss of your mom was extremely recent.

    Please go extra-easy on yourself, my special friend. XoXo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Your music choices had me pumping my fist in the air and saying “Hellz yeah!” right up til Dylan. (Just not my personal cup of tea, no offense.)

    So many of us are experiencing the “epic fail” this year, with or without triggers…You’d think the professionals would start putting it together. Emotional triggers while stable: survivable. Emotional triggers while unstable/new med/side effects/med not working. Helllllllkkkkkkkkkk, as my kid says.

    Suckage. I truly hope it improves for you and you have, if not a merry Christmas, at least one you can get through without barbwire weaponry. <3

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Suckage soup indeed. And I’m pretty sure mine’s been dosed with arsenic but the joke is…it just makes me wish I was dead but doesn’t kill me.
        Happy hellidays and may Santa bring you many barbwire weapons of sheeple destruction.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Echo and The Bunnymen…should have known one of their songs would surface in your posts. I’ve never got over Reverbnation from them; still have it on my iPod, still a regular listen.

    You are so fucking wonderful. Really. You spent time yesterday making sure I was ok when you were struggling. Makes me want to try harder to be more like you. <3 Can't say thanks enough.

    I'm not one to pray, but trust me, some prayers have been uttered here on your behalf. Love you to bits. xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Shit :( I wish I could teleport and just sit with you, talking or in silence. And I feel bad that I didn’t have net access at grandparents’. I share your grief. We did grief around the Xmas table a bit, in our odd grieflaugh way, the only way people with repressed feelings can. But at least it’s acknowledged. If I could remove some of my wellbeing and give it to you, I would.


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