There’s another aspect to the general concept of not talking about suicide, and that’s the total freakout that sometimes ensues. I’ve been told very clearly on more occasions that I care to remember, not to mention suicide.
I can’t listen to this,
You shouldn’t have said it.
One person just said I can’t, and stormed off.
Funny thing is, none of those who reacted that way to me have had any experience with it beyond that. And I haven’t threatened suicide dammit, I’ve said
I want to die,
I don’t want to be alive,
I can’t cope with life.
Those are not statements of intent. The upshot of negative reactions is me keeping quiet about those things. It’s a nasty, twisted, frightening, lonely, painful silence too. And now even I feel selfish, petulant, fraudulent about the fact that all I want is an ending. There is no fucking empirical evidence for any of it getting better and while there’s no evidence the other way either, I do have a solid 45yrs of experience that says I’m worn the fuck right out and that the odds of a vastly improved future just aren’t encouraging.
I’m sick to the gills of the slogans too –
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
No. It’s a desperate act in the face of a hell that, frankly, you might not ever be able to understand.
It’s just a cry for help.
Oh yeah baby that’s it, it’s just a cry for help from a society that thinks crying = weakness. Strangely, the very society that sees suicidality as weakness, sees failed suicide attempts as weakness too.
Here’s what I want. I want assisted suicide to be option, a safe and careful one. And not only for those with allegedly more noble and valid physical issues either, I’d like society to admit that we the
mentally neurobiologically ill also have the capacity to measure our own pain against our quality of life.
Or, you know, as I’ve said about 45481845 times already, how about working on some better palliative care for us, so that suicide would be less of an issue in the first place?
I’m not going to commit suicide. It’s 04h17 and I’m going to the beach.