I’m not going to commit suicide

There’s another aspect to the general concept of not talking about suicide, and that’s the total freakout that sometimes ensues. I’ve been told very clearly on more occasions that I care to remember, not to mention suicide.

I can’t listen to this,
You shouldn’t have said it.

One person just said I can’t, and stormed off.

Funny thing is, none of those who reacted that way to me have had any experience with it beyond that. And I haven’t threatened suicide dammit, I’ve said

I want to die,
I don’t want to be alive,
I can’t cope with life.

Those are not statements of intent. The upshot of negative reactions is me keeping quiet about those things. It’s a nasty, twisted, frightening, lonely, painful silence too. And now even I feel selfish, petulant, fraudulent about the fact that all I want is an ending. There is no fucking empirical evidence for any of it getting better and while there’s no evidence the other way either, I do have a solid 45yrs of experience that says I’m worn the fuck right out and that the odds of a vastly improved future just aren’t encouraging.

I’m sick to the gills of the slogans too –

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

No. It’s a desperate act in the face of a  hell that, frankly, you might not ever be able to understand.

It’s just a cry for help.

Oh yeah baby that’s it, it’s just a cry for help from a society that thinks crying = weakness. Strangely, the very society that sees suicidality as weakness, sees failed suicide attempts as weakness too.

Here’s what I want. I want assisted suicide to be option, a safe and careful one. And not only for those with allegedly more noble and valid physical issues either, I’d like society to admit that we the mentally neurobiologically ill also have the capacity to measure our own pain against our quality of life.

Or, you know, as I’ve said about 45481845 times already, how about working on some better palliative care for us, so that suicide would be less of an issue in the first place?

I’m not going to commit suicide. It’s 04h17 and I’m going to the beach.

Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

51 thoughts on “I’m not going to commit suicide”

  1. I once mentioned I liked a song by Suicidal Tendencies and was told I am morbid and want attention.
    Yep, cos I named the band.
    Pfft, McfriggingMuggles.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I understand all of this firsthand; I wouldn’t wish these feelings on almost anyone. I’ll never feel like I’m impervious to the ideations returning.
    The slogans are hogwash. No one gets it unless they have felt like us. That’s why the blogosphere and my support group are the only places I can truly be myself. And thank God I can tell Lucy anything, absolutely anything, and she never judges me. That furry beast keeps me on this planet along with the (MUCH) more challenging non-furry creatures I live with.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. It feels like a matter of weighing up the positive and negative phases, and when I look back, I want to off myself. I can’t and I won’t, but I seriously wish I could.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. 100% agree with you on all this. It is humane. It affords dignity and honor. We should be able, as free people, to choose our end without secrecy, terror, and searing pain. I wonder if what has begun in Belgian will spread. I doubt I will see it come to my country in my lifetime.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. True. I was surprised and heartened to see even that beginning. Perhaps cooler and more compassionate minds will, one day, prevail.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Don’t do anything. Just hang on. Pure not feel good good (I know duh) but that is exactly the worst time to make any decisions. So don’t do anything. You’ll feel better. You’ve been through bad times before and felt better. Please just wait. Sending you lots of positive vibes and good feelings. 💕💕💕

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Great! Glad to hear it. Sorry if I jumped the gun. And it was supposed to say: I know you’re not feeling good. Not pure not feel good good. I don’t know where that came from!
        I hope you feel better with the new meds. 🌷🌷🌷🌷

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I believe I saw/heard a report that Belgium now allows assisted suicide for bipolar patients.

    This current trend of shaming suicide is just that – a trend. Suicide has been/is acceptable in some cultures, even viewed as ‘noble’ deaths. I do not understand society’s hypocrisy about this. Killing yourself is bad, but they won’t give anyone the help needed to NOT want to kill themselves. The drugs aren’t researched, the financial assistance is not given. Instead, effort is wasted on coming up with inane slogans and memes that only serve to further our empty feelings. Fucking bullshit.

    You know I don’t want you to check out. But I get it, Blah. <3

    Liked by 2 people

      1. There you go. One more reason to get your butt up here. Of course, that’s totally selfish of me. I think once you get here you’ll like it. I think you’ll find that like me, it’s just a little easier to stay out of that deep depression and wishing you were dead. Not saying it doesn’t happen now and then! It does. Still, the rate of incidence is WAY lower than anywhere else I’ve been. So yeah, I want you to come here for whatever reason. ‘Cause I’m selfish, and I want you here. <3

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh I’d totally include a visit to you on that suicide tourist expedition, ha. That whole citizenship though eh….. I knew someone from here who moved to Belgium and had to pass a Dutch exam in order to get employment and knowing afrikaans didn’t make it an easy thing. Hrm. Hope your day is being good to you.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yeah, but that person didn’t have me ahead of them, learning a bit more and helping them all the way – hint, hint. :)

            I believe the day is gonna give me what I put out today. So I’m going to try to put out smiles and light. Rev myself up with some fun, light music. Watch cartoons. Try to not push. <3

            Liked by 1 person

      1. As far as I know, Switzerland is the only place that’ll off you without your being a citizen. Legally they state that only physical issues blablablahhh but I’ve read of some psych cases who “weren’t turned away”.


  6. 100% all this. I’m so tired of the slogans especially. Because it’s bullshit and we all know it. We take the pills as a way to cope but it doesn’t mean things work out. And I would like to have control over how long I endure this without being condemned to hell for not wanting to stick around 80 years in this situation I never asked for to begin with!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You articulated my thoughts and experiences.

    But you know, it’s discouraging to discover that even if I have experience with it, I feel completely lost when one of my offline friends announces that he is close to the brink himself. It just happened. And I should know what to say and be full of motivation, advice and “lifehacks” but all I wanna say is “I get you”. But I’m too scared to say it in case it turns out to be a push in the wrong direction. Maybe that’s why some people react to a simple announcement of the desire to not-live like a rabbit caught in a headlight. Because what went through my head was “no, not you, not you”.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I am so thankful that my (rather dramatic) suicide attempt did not work. And yes, it is about stopping the pain, in my case, years of extreme depression, rejection, pain in every part of my being. In the years since then I have been given more love and care, and experienced more happiness, than ever before that time of wanting to die.

    But, I retain the right to make that choice simply because life is searing and I have no filter / carapace, I carry mountains and rivers of pain. I’m raw.

    And that must also be recognised, that if you have attempted it in a really serious, long-thought out way before, where you went past the point of concern for your loved ones to just “I cannot anymore”, if you have been there once, you stay close to that line, certain barriers are removed, and it is sadly dangerous.

    So let’s all talk to one another.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I hear it on a daily basis (it’s my job) but they’re still the scariest words in the universe.

    Ironically, I think if we all had the universal right to die, the suicide rate would probably drop. Just knowing that there is an out goes a long way sometimes, helps make the bad things a little more bearable.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. When I (rarely) talk of my almost successful suicide attempts, people shush me, telling me ‘not to talk, think our feel like that!!’ YEAH!! OK!! Fuck that! It’s real!!!, it happened/happens!!! My brain endures a hell not many (without mental illness) can fathom. I’m sorry that I’m NOT sorry! Deal with it! If not ~ walk the fuck away from me cause at least you can do THAT, I can’t, I’m stuck with my fucked up brain. Which is WHY I tried to off myself. I don’t have a concrete plan, but I never know & I’ll reach out if I get there again

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Assisted suicide gets my vote. Assisted suicide is actually my retirement plan. People with bipolar have 10 years less life expectancy than the ordinary folk. I wish they’d stop making self-righteous decisions for us and judgments of us, and consider having some mercy.

    Liked by 3 people

  12. *hands you earl grey tea in glass mug* You can go ahead and smash that against the wall if you’d like when you’re done. I understand. It’s hell and people, sometimes, are really stupid.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I also feel like that, most days in fact. I just want to die but I refuse to commit suicide because I want my creator to just come and take me away..
    So I continue to exist.. Out of spite! :P

    Liked by 1 person

  14. It’s a hard thing because it’s a balance between what’s best for your mental health (to talk about it) and theirs (to avoid it). I think it’s a bit like the red pill/blue pill thing in the Matrix: People can’t talk about it BECAUSE it hasn’t happened to them. They’re scared of breaking the barrier and realizing it could happen to anyone, not just ‘defective’ people. I’m convinced this is where all of the ignorance about mental illness, poverty, homelessness and addiction all stem from.
    The beach sounds like a nicer place to go. In the words of Iron Maiden, ‘heaven can wait til another day’ (even if you don’t believe in/believe you’re going to heaven, which I don’t, the sentiment still holds true).
    Is it warm in winter in SA? I know nothing about the climate.
    God this time of year’s a bitch. It’s like trying to navigate No Man’s Land in broad daylight in a fluoro-pink tutu.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’d love to have coffee and talk shit with you. And I’m impressed at the level of compassion you show, considering what you’ve just been through (and are going through) – you’re one seriously good human being and I’m very glad to know you.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah one day this should happen, if I ever finally keep a job for longer than 6 months to save cash to go on a plane… don’t fancy driving near Somalia (I looked at overlanding as I want to go everywhere one day, but Somalia was the dealbreaker through Africa). My shits got to the point the past day or two where my brain’s cut it off so it just occasionally hits me in the face and cripples me then hides again. Yay PTSD, what took it so long?


  15. i love this so much. your blog speaks absolute volumes to me! i LOVE reading. please keep it up :)
    i have to re-blog this!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Dear Ulla, I remember reading and liking this post without knowing what to comment… And now, … I freaking still don’t know what to say, think or do… Maybe the fact that a few years ago I tried to out myself too. will urge me understand your outing… I love you, miss you and who knows you see your mama and my Gaby out there too?

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I wish I had commented when I first saw this. I know you won’t see it, but hopefully others will. I remember when I first told my parents that I had suicidal thoughts. It was right after telling it to my psychiatrist and having him admit me to get started on treatment. My mother looked at me stone-faced and said, “If you ever kill yourself I will never forgive you”. Um, sure, okay, good luck with that. Was that supposed to make me NOT want to die? When I did attempt to take my life (thanks to a botched med change) my family made it clear I was an embarrassment.

    I know none of that matters to you now. I just wanted you to know I understand.


    Liked by 1 person

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