clockwise round mt eyelash

My first ever counselling psychologist (shoowahhh maaaan back round the millennium, on the toes of Table Mountain) said some things that stuck (to my hungry, velcro ego)…

“in primitive times you’d have been called something like old – woman – who – carries – the – sorrow, and people would go to you, to tell you their pain so you could hold it for them”

“you’re like a redcoat on an African ridge, standing up saying, ‘shoot here chaps‘”

He was a sharp and compassionate man, and he lost me completely around the time he asked if I’d considered drumming as a way of getting in touch with myself. Nuh uh, negative and nope to that – but I’d invested a fair amount in chemicals to get out of touch. Such warm and pretty escapes, so many of them. Such horrible, rusty, jagged edges around it all, behind it all. So blurry and bleary and faraway now. I am so very fucking tired. Hold your own sodding pain and what’s more, fire at will.

I’ve self harmed twice in the past few weeks, both times in the afternoons, when the chemical safety net has dropped suddenly. Shrink one suggested splitting the dose, which helps. Well, it helps to keep me sedated longer and a little more gently. The chemical cosh, amirite?

Self pity is ugly. I know. I know.

Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

52 thoughts on “clockwise round mt eyelash”

  1. I am SO sorry about the recent damn self-harm… twists my heart to read of this, and I appreciate your sharing it with us – Glad that splitting the dose helps….relieved to hear that.

    I liked the counselor’s quotes but the drumming? Um, no thanks, but at least he’s not dull, eh? Perhaps you could surprise him and bring a big, ‘ol drum to your next session! Drum away!

    Self-pity is so human, my dear friend. It’s okay, it’s okay. I do it every day, I hate it, but I do it and the fact that you admit it to us only makes your blog more compelling.

    I don’t mean to make light of anything you wrote here – please never take offense from me – I doubt you would, but am covering my espresso-less bases.

    Your fellow gal with a hungry, Velcro ego (brilliant!)

    Liked by 5 people

      1. But that is so the point. You want to keep him guessing. Just when he thinks he understands it all. Too funny and I’m pretty sure drumming will cure bipolar. (It won’t hurt). My friend left me a djembe drum in my office. It is actually super fun and awesomely loud.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I have decided self-pity is also self-care, so what the hell. If we don’t look after ourselves and hug ourselves and feel sorry for ourselves sometimes nobody else does.
    But shit for the self-harm. If only it were actually a release, then it’d be as good a way as any. xx

    Liked by 6 people

      1. I wish you had more friends near you that you could see in person. The WordPress friends are many but far away.
        The lack of a partner can wear on you too…or at least someone to hold. I wonder if there are any changes that could be made to put you more in situations to meet people….particularly a special person….

        Lonliness wears on you and seems to starve your soul. The mutual compassion and intimacy is not really replacable with anything.

        Unfortunately, depression wants to self isolate. And self isolating does not want to go out where the people are.

        But if you live where there is nowhere to find the right people….then is it worth it to move…if you can afford it? I think I have to find a way to move at some point.

        Staying in an environment that does not support you is like a death sentence. The heart wants to move on.

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Ink is SOOO cool and beautiful, that’s brilliant. You can get the dragon’s pic? Maybe I can get one of Buttercup and you can get one of Toaster? Or we both can get both? It’s way better than cutting. Know though you feel alone, I’m sending psychic (or are they psychotic? hard to tell.) hugs. You rock, Blah!!~DM

        Liked by 2 people

  3. It hurts me to hear you in such pain. . ‘Tis the season for self-pity I’m afraid. Together we can pull through.

    As for the drumming, I know you laugh, but drumming circles were a huge and quite wonderful part of an on-going community mental health support program I worked with (job sucked but that’s another story). When I was in Cape Town there was a huge circle I passed on the street (just off Long) late on a Saturday afternoon. It is a great way to lose yourself… now where is that djembe? Would suggest the good doctor may have had something like that in mind.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Nope, believe it or not, I wasn’t being scornful about drum circles and so on, just open about the fact that they were never my thing. That one size don’t fit this all :)

      Liked by 4 people

  4. “I am so very fucking tired.” My sweary ranty self has been particularly sweary and ranty of late, with tiredness a lot to blame.

    Who is the arbitrator between what is “self pity”, and what is pain? How often does it come down to “if it’s someone else, it’s self pity, if it’s oneself, it’s pain”.

    When we’re in pain, we weep. Sometimes tears, sometimes other things. And too right about the one size not fitting all.

    So very sorry you’re in such pain, mate.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I hate that you’re in so much pain! I really, really hate it! I wish I could take it and hold it for you. Pop it in the post. It’s bound to get lost!

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Well, it’s not worth shit, but you’re stuck with
    My heart, anyway.
    Something’s dragging me down now, so hell, what’s the diff?
    I’ll hold your hand for a day.

    And maybe as we both go, if we both have to,
    If our eyes should meet,
    I’ll have a commiserating smile that I can give you,
    It won’t make things ok but you’ll know it’s true
    I care because I think you’re neat.

    I hope you feel better and heal quickly.
    Love, DM (aka, “Grinch Grumple” Mumple- but just for Christmas)

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Oh my friend. I have no words of comfort for I am feeling pain that my strength can’t carry and I am constantly contemplating what physical pain can distract the total anguish I feel within. I’m alive but inside I’m dying every day. All I can hope is for this to pass because there is not much else we can hope for anymore. Just for it to pass and a few days of something less agonizing.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. Sorry for that saga of incoherent trash talking about the link dumps. I get sore sometimes for all of us. The mental illness angle? Ah, but you know, Q. And I think you forgive. R. Downey, that was sum lulz. (A bit of a madman, too.) I think that doctor was NOT QUITE BRILLIANT. Close, like almost there, but not…so not at all…The woman who carries the sorrow. What tribe is that? Studied all the immediate-return hunter-gatherer remnants left on planet earth circa 1900s and nope, no names like that. Sorry buddy! Good try! Better luck with the Lakota. Rather, you’d just be a master trance dancer, all around nomadic genius, lovely babysitter, apothecary par excellence, and occasional grouchy loner who came back With Some Shit to Say. But this? This LIFE? This is very, very different. And fuck him, if you don’t mind me saying so, for saying that “drum circles” can do a goddamn thing for you. You self-harm, whatever that means. I drink to black out now and then and take swings at cops. Probably not that different. The substitution of actual physical pain for this terrible obscure torment of interminable lonely torment. Only difference between us is that I’m younger. So naturally more hopeful. Simply because younger. Still my Queen. Hope you pardon the younger, dumber, and dumber. And dumber. And younger. Pardon. Because I love Blah.


      1. Last night? No. Just in good spirits. I was referring to the comment on Z’s blog, and yes, I was very, very drunk that night. Which is what I was/am apologizing for.


        1. It was just my way of saying: I think I get where the self-harm comes from. I do it in my own way. And I agree with whomever said that self-pity is simply pain, viewed externally.


          1. Just to add one more thing. I hadn’t read the comments when I commented. So there was zero intention of denigrating Rough Ghosts and his mention of drum circles. I was just referring to your doctor and saying, Yeah, I understand, I’ve done the drum circles and they never did much for me.


  9. Bah on your pitying your self-pity. You’re in a shit position and have every fucking right to bemoan your situation. It’s not ugly. If anything, dear, it’s sweetly horrible. Your honesty, your writing gives so MUCH. Yes, the woman who carries the pain of the world. I can see that. Cry away, write, rant. <3 Love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Well I just started a comment and it totally disappeared at least I think it did. But I can repeat myself. So my self harming thought is to slice my arms from my armpit to the inside of my elbow and nothing else would feel as good as that. And I don’t and I won’t because I have kids and work and my hubby but I’ve thought about a tattoo that is just a simple dark line as such. It’s actually something I’ve seen on google images and I don’t know why anyone else would think to get that tattoo. But once I get inked I never mess it up again. I mostly like my many tattoos and my arms are like a walking billboard of happiness and calm reminding me of everything beautiful.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m blessed for I have a live-in support system with my husband. When I had my psychotic break at thirty, I realized that I could no longer live alone – that I really need a life partner. Life is tough even without bipolar added to the mix.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I’d be a hypocrite if I say “don’t do it”. But if it prevents anything worse… I hope The Dawg can sense it and sticks the wet nose in your face from time to time. Tons of thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Sorry to hear you’re self harming. Counselling takes time to work, first you have to like your counsellor to be able to trust them. I hope you hang in there, you are in my thoughts x


comment or the dragon will toast you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s