comma

So yesterday was therapy (how not to attempt suicide during the holiday season) and blood tests (how to find skinny veins) and more meds (yes alright, tonight clozapine). Although she doesn’t want me using other meds unless it’s crucial, I’m now OK to use sulpuride prn to help with the recent, intense rage spikes in the afternoon. I’m on 150mg clozapine, halfway to the goal of 300mg.

I’ve never encountered this response to clozapine before.

I asked Dr Google and indeed, irritability seems to be an uncommon side effect. Maybe it’s from having stopped the lamotrigine, chlorpromazine and sertraline. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a bipolar person who’s usually grouchy anyway, changing meds at the end of the year. There isn’t a trigger, I am the trigger; there’s always something to fire at, after all. Apocalypse any time you like, baby. So far I only went a little bit Fight Club on myself once.

Ugh.

Ag ja fok wat.

My default is to isolate myself and I know I’m already on that well worn road. Safer, innit.