So yesterday was therapy (how not to attempt suicide during the holiday season) and blood tests (how to find skinny veins) and more meds (yes alright, tonight clozapine). Although she doesn’t want me using other meds unless it’s crucial, I’m now OK to use sulpuride prn to help with the recent, intense rage spikes in the afternoon. I’m on 150mg clozapine, halfway to the goal of 300mg.

I’ve never encountered this response to clozapine before.

I asked Dr Google and indeed, irritability seems to be an uncommon side effect. Maybe it’s from having stopped the lamotrigine, chlorpromazine and sertraline. Maybe it’s the time of year. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m a bipolar person who’s usually grouchy anyway, changing meds at the end of the year. There isn’t a trigger, I am the trigger; there’s always something to fire at, after all. Apocalypse any time you like, baby. So far I only went a little bit Fight Club on myself once.


Ag ja fok wat.

My default is to isolate myself and I know I’m already on that well worn road. Safer, innit.

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

16 thoughts on “comma”

  1. I’m pulling for you. If you need me, I’m here, not that you need anyone. ::Deon tries his hand at Google translate :: Zeker, lopen samen met mij… we kan haten de wereld samen. (Fuck, I hope that’s right) Or, you can tell me where I can shove something. I’ll still love you. Fight club? sure, I’ll fight you. But I’m not allowed to hit a girl, so… maybe we’ll just have to hug it out, (((Ms. Blah))) ~DM

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes. Me too. Isolation. But I gotcha, see? We got this motherfucker. I stayed up all night – did you feel my spiritual presence? “Did ya feel that Captain Compost.” and “I have exorcised the demon. This house is clear.” (Ace Ventura)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rooting for you. I’ve been a bawling mess at times. I’m dating a fellow bipolar too (yes, I know…) and its hit her too. The season fucks with us. Sending you some positive energy.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I get intense rage spikes in the afternoon. Fun times. Hug to my Blah from monk’s cell (my dandified term for — seeks isolation — )

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Sorry about the med change. Crap. I hate having to change even when the meds I’m on aren’t working!!! Because the devil you DO know is better than the one that will probably bite you. Haven’t been by but been thinking of you and the holidays and you-know. Love and prayers – K

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 😠 😠 😠 😠 Hate that you feel so crappy.

    I’ll be watching Mystery Science Theatre 3000 on YouTube over the holidays. And Doctor Who, of course. And hiding from the happy/angry/frustrated mobs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Rage spikes? Never had that reaction myself. Except the usual irrationality spike. Do they leave you exhausted? Does the dawg’s presence help? I hope they don’t exhaust you further. And I hope the poison pygmy will keep the distance.


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