truths too far

How does it feel?

Well it feels like… *insert all the things here*

Oh I know those feels, we all have those feels, amirite? Because we all have feels, for reals; we’re all in it together matey, licketty split in our rickety ship.

No
No
No

We’re not.

That’s like saying that you understand psoriasis because you have skin… Telling a guitar that you know how it feels to be highly strung… I crafted a simile for you back there bruh, that’s all.

Ask me again.

How does it feel?

It’s impossible to describe, but I really do appreciate the fact that you care enough to ask.

And if you please…

Can we just respect each other’s pain without this seemingly global driving need to claim the other’s for ourselves and then fix it by redefining it.

Ask me.

How are you feeling?

I feel the need to preface my answer by telling you that this isn’t a threat, just a statement (a weather report, if you will) – I don’t want to be alive. Oh dear, I shouldn’t have said that, I should never say that. Yes I hear you…. It freaks you right out, it’s unfair on you, it breaks your heart, it’s not a rational conclusion, it’s selfish, it’s… It’s all of that and more and now you’re hurting too. Ah I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You care because you love me and I open up because I love you, but this particular conversation only ever has one conclusion. It causes you distress and me loneliness.

I’m sorry.

*old school cassette tape rewind sounds*

How are you feeling?

I’m okay.

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

38 thoughts on “truths too far”

  1. Yikes don’t want to be toasted by the dragon! Very true, our feelings are our own, we can’t feel what another is feeling exactly, nor they what we are feeling. But we can get close, understand, empathize, and share.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Unless I’m hypo a la my new gravatar gal, I usually i’mfineit to others.

    Brilliantly expressed…even Stephen Fry would be wistful if he read this, wishing he wrote it.

    Xo,
    Fryane

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Indeed. Nice drawing! I was looking for a black square for my facebook avatar as a protest for the bombings in Syria and thus discovered that someone painted a black square and it’s a massive huge enormous big deal in painting. Dig deeper and apparently there are colours under the black. So my guess is, he wanted to paint a picture, got fucked off and hated what he’d done so far, so he rubbed it all out with black, and then decided heh what the fuck I may as well attach some intellectual drivel to it and sell it like I always meant to do this deep work of art.
    But in the end, it’s a fucking black square.
    So, who’s to say that lovely black scribble is not worth thousands of pounds?

    xx

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I had never heard of him before and I forgot his name and I didn’t take the time (I admit) to look into any other work. I get pissy sometimes :) I especially am not a fan of modern art, admittedly, not that stuff that just because you do a scribble it’s a scribble but if so and so does a scribble it’s art. But I readily admit that I am very ignorant about it too. I wrote some big essays about how if a book is only good ’cause of its context, but if read by an ignorant person it is utter crap, it is crap. Sometimes I can be an arrogant idiot. And the short answer is, therefore, nope, never heard of him before :)

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve realized everyone only asks to be polite or because they feel they have to. No one really wants to know. They just want to hear that you are F.I.N.E. Guess what? I’m not. So I lie and tell them what they want to hear instead of the fact that I’m F*cked Up, Irrational, Neurotic, and Emotional. I haven’t even told my family about my ultrasound from Saturday. The technician had the wand over my Bladder and asked if I was there for my Bladder Cancer. My answer? “WHAT BLADDER CANCER?!” Then she asked why I thought I was there. I told her and she said “ok”. I asked if she were me would she get a 3rd opinion in the next state over where they have the best of the best for doctors. I told her I understood if she didn’t want to say anything but she looked at me and said ” Your doctors appear to be handling your case in an odd way. Some things don’t add up. If it was me I would go to Boston.” I thanked her for being honest and she then told me to personally come get a copy of my ultrasound results she would leave a note. I wanted to cry because 1 person was honest and kind and physically touched me with a comforting hand. I think it’s pitiful to rely on strangers for that. I’m embarrassed to even admit it. But that’s what it’s come to. Can you tell it’s a bad day? lol Rambling on.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “You care because you love me and I open up because I love you, but this particular conversation only ever has one conclusion. It causes you distress and me loneliness.” This I have to remember. Sometimes I have conversations like this and it’s exactly as you say.

    Also, there’s this book. Don’t know if it’s translated but the title is really accurate. “I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be alive anymore.”

    Liked by 2 people

  6. This is perfect. Perfect. People wonder why we always stick with “I’m okay.” But dare to change the script, and they wish you’d lie like everyone else. “I’m okay. How are you?”

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Sometimes I think we delude ourselves into believing our mental pain is ours alone. It isn’t; not really. It touches and affects people around us, too. And that’s fucking hard to take: the looks, the sympathy, even the extra concern can make things worse. Look at what we put the people we care about through. All the tears. All the not wanting to live. All the negation. The only way I can figure to balance things out is to take me out of the equation. But that’s just bad math. Like it or not, I’m here. I’ve made waves. I’ve affected people, good and bad. I can’t just step out of the equation. I’m already a part of it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. True, and look at the effect that can have. We feel abandoned, we wonder if we could have done more or been more to them. We feel maybe we did wrong. A hole is left in our lives, and it hurts. Doesn’t matter if the person dies or just leaves; it’s a hole, and it remains a hole until time starts to fill it up with other distractions. People feel that way about you, Blah. I know that may be hard to hear and accept, but it’s true. You’d leave a big hole in my life. I know; we’re cyber friends and not even in the same country and isn’t that all silly. Context: I don’t have a lot of real life people around me. I have cyber friends. So, you leave and you leave a big hole. That’s just the way it is. You’re important to me. Reading your words, getting your messages – that means a LOT to me, every day. <3

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thanks ten thousand times for the comment and all of the words in it, beep. I just can’t seem to communicate effectively enough to give it the answer it deserves. It’s one of those days where the brain and the mind just aren’t on speaking terms, you know? But the gist of the reply would be, right back at you mate.

          Liked by 1 person

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