it is in my heart…

That solemnly handing you a paper boat would make everything alright.
It is in my mind
I am alone and sometimes lonely, but very wary of new people and very nervous about more people.
It is in my brain
Books were the things that kept me enthralled, awake for whole nights. Books and I, we’ve betrayed each other now. I can’t make sense of words for too long and they exact gentle vengeance by sending me sleep and sadness.
It is in my eyes
My eyesight is deteriorating, there are times when I see things that are not real and sometimes when I am sad and my eyes untrustworthy, they feel hooded and old and tired as a vulture’s.
It is in my bones
If marrow can ache, mine does.
It is in my nature
To laugh at my own pretentiousness. It’s a saving sort of a grace.

The other day was a happy one though and here is why.. Elephant, black rhino, lion, buffalo, eland, kudu, red hartebeest, ostrich, burchell’s zebra. Totally worth the 3hr drive there and the same back, and a day’s driving in between.

Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

43 thoughts on “it is in my heart…”

  1. Oh crap.

    Aching.

    And yes if it is true that we sometimes say “I feel it in my bones”, is that truth, a joy or a pain of which we speak. And can we tease the three apart?

    I want to say the books will return if you remain open to them. Right now the drugs and the illness are in the way. I was the same for years after my initial breakdown and again in the turmoil of my most recent mania.

    I am going to say to you what you say to me: Write.

    These words are borne of that place in your heart and, yes from deep in your marrow.

    I love you and I miss you. I am lonely and equally anxious of letting people in because there are precious few people I can truly connect with, few that I could imagine being around on a more regular basis.

    You are one. A singular and special friend.

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  2. The more I know you from your writings wgich to my innermost appreciation are so genuine, the more I can only imagine what my brother went through when sickness and meds got in his own way too and turned him into a simpleton. Please jeep writing for your sake, and yes for those of us who miss you and know from each of your posting that you are hanging in there. What do I say? I wish that you and books make up soon, and so goes with all.

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      1. You know friend, I just wrote another memoir and I think this one is my best, I look at fighting fear mindful of my mental challenges. I sincerely hope by the time I publish, you’d have made up your romance with books. How can I ever forget the rapidity with which you edited almost half of my memoir on my brother’s journey? Helas this fucking b-p!

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  4. Yes, my saving grace: an ironic laugh. I can’t full belly laugh at myself; I am too tragic a character in my own melodrama. But I can manage wry laughter, half smiles full of irony. Sometimes I feel I am laughing a bit at the world as it bloodies my face: that all ya got? Pussy. *spits blood*

    I hope the world gives you a few more days of happy, here and there. <3

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  5. Take solace is that doesn’t have to be permanent. I also put book aside because I couldn’t focus on them anymore and it lasted for years. But now I’m back to them. I used to have a monthly target for how much I read every week and month. Now I don’t and I just read whenever and it’s still lots. Also, I gave same attention to bad books and good books. I don’t anymore, if it’s not a page-turner for me, then I put it aside and start something new. No more reading Tolstoy just for the sake of checking a box in my “classics” list.

    And I would love to be on that trip with you guys. A friggin rhino! :O

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  7. I feel the pain in your heart, mind, eyes and bones. It’s the beauty of your nature that shines through all of the pain and connects deeply with the beauty in the rest of us. Thank you for sharing from such an authentic and heart-breaking place. Big hug! xxx

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  10. Awww I’m so sorry you can’t find pleasure in reading. I can’t read for long periods fo time because my attention span betrays me (thus the reason I love reading blogs. My friends here get to the point.)
    BTW I saw the pics you postep from your 3 hour drive….absolutely breathtaking…Does seeing that kind of life awaken the soul a little?

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  11. There are various kinds of magnifying devices to help with reading books. Some hang on your neck like a necklace until you want to use them.

    Others are a circle on a stick or shaped like a ruler. People use them to read books and newspapers.

    They probably sell them on Amazon. It is sad that your eyes are deteriorating. You will need to try some things. You can also set your laptop and cell phone on large print.

    Wishing you peace,
    Annie 🌺🌺💕💕🌷🌹

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      1. Oh, that is a different problem than I thought of. It is strange how many different things the brain can screw up for us.

        I am hanging in. I am struggling to find ways to stablize my financial situation so I can move from this place. I could blog about what goes on here but I do not think most people would believe me and I would look crazy….so I don’t bother.

        Besides I would fear them finding it although it is not too likely. I live under coersion and threats that hit my weak points like my children, my car, my bunny and having a roof over my head.

        They are manipulative and cruel but …they appear benevolent and generous in front of other people. They are pastors of their church and put on a show of hospitality when people come over.

        But the stories I could tell you would sound like they were out of a VC Andrews book so I never think people will believe them.

        I am very isolated from others because I cannot have anyone over. The babysitting job has helped a lot because it gets me out of the house for a few hours during the weekdays. And the lady I babysit for treats me like a human which is nice.

        I have severe C-PTSD and it has many layers from many years…and I will have flashbacks from this situation in the future.

        But I have at least gotten out of bed lately due to the job. I had been in bed for about 6 months other than going to the store to get food and warming up frozen pizza or something to feed the kids.

        It was hard to start getting out of the bed but I am better when I am out of here for a few hours a day.

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        1. Progress then hey? Well done for making the change. How do your kids cope while you’re in bed? I think you should feel free to blog the stuff, or not. You know we’re all (including you) a compassionate and supportive crowd of people. And you certainly don’t appear crazy to us.

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          1. My oldest is 18 and tends to be interactive with the family downstairs, at work, or socializing outside of the house. She lets me know when she needs rides to or from places and I drive her.

            My younger daughter is 12 and her room is right next to mine. She comes in and out when she wants to talk about something. She usually comes into my room once or twice every hour or so.

            She likes to get out of the house and even when I was in bed a lot, I used to take her for a drive at night…up to CVS drug store or out to get groceries. She usually comes to the grocery store with me and other necessary errands.

            I got up to make them food and clean dishes.

            There really isn’t anywhere other than my room to go. This attic is small. There is one bedroom for each of the three of us. Then a bathroom and a small area that I cook in , by using electric plug in cooking things but there is no real kitchen and no living room or any other rooms.

            I walk out of my room to go to the “kitchen area” to cook. It is right outside of my bedroom. There is a sink in there and the fridge is in Kayla’s room because it was the only place it would fit. She has the largest room with a ceiling that does not slant on one of the sides.

            The kitchen area is too small for the fridge. There is a kind-of table thing in there but no room for chairs.

            We have to eat in the bedrooms. The beds are the only places to sit…although I did pick up a cool chair at Walmart that folds open and closed and it can be in the kitchen area when I do not need to be cooking.

            So the only place to visit with each other is in the bedrooms. Otherwise I would go lay on a couch in a living room if there was one.

            The house below us is huge and has many rooms, kitchens, bathrooms, 4 fridges, lots of space and food.

            It is another planet up here than downstairs.

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  12. I got teary eyed when I read this. Books were an escape for me also. For the last year I haven’t been able to really read. My vision goes in and out, due to my kidneys and meds. I also start to confuse characters. I’m lonely but don’t really like most people. lol Certain people scare me. I envy your excursion to see Elephants, Black Rhinos, and Lions. Lions are one of my favorite animals. Wolves and Lions. Which brings me to my beloved character in a book, Aslan. The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. When I was little I wished for an Aslan to come and protect me. To be my friend. Then people had to ruin it with their theories of the book having religious meaning. I’m pretending it doesn’t. lol I’m going to say sorry because I’m rambling and it’s a tough time of year. It’s good to read you again.

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    1. They’re big lions, paler than the usual sort too and they come from the Etosha Pan. You’d love them, they’re definitely Aslan sort of lions – just not as friendly. Sorry about your kidneys, though I know it’s an old problem. Also sorry about the reading. Meh.

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      1. The kidneys are being worked on. They just took out the left stent and are leaving it out to see what happens. lol Gotta love Drs. As far as the lions I would be so caught up in the moment and think we had a “connection” that I would probably try to make friends like an idiot. I did touch the palm of my hand to the glass at MGM Las Vegas where they have their lions and the lion came over sat in front of me and put his paw against my palm. We stayed like that for about 5 minutes. People were taking pictures because it was so unusual. Plus I was crying like a baby. HeeHee What a mess I am. But even my dad was misty eyed.

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          1. I agree about the glass. I’m not in favor of zoos unless they have a breeding program for endangered species and are monitored. I do my homework. But sometimes I get caught up in the moment. I have strong views about animals that get me in trouble. lol

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  13. OH this was very well written, I’m toasting YOU. and the comment thread, priceless as always, my brain is playing whimsically with “A friggin rhino”/African Rhino… I love you and your heart. And your dragon too. You are beautiful.

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  14. I thought I already left a comment here, but I don’t see it. :(
    Oh well – just want you to know I find this amazing – you put my thoughts/experiences into words in a way that makes me wistful – in a way I could never, ever even attempt to create.
    Incredible!
    Xo

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      2. p.s. I just reblogged my story that was just shared on Our Lived Experience – I thanked Yvette but didn’t thank anyone else, so please forgive me!!! I know you run it too! I can plug your blahname & URL in there !

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