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It’s my mother’s birthday and I started to feel miserable and fragmented and jagged yesterday. I’m having some solitude, which is possible because I have two guests till Tuesday. I’d be lousy company anyway and there’s every chance I’d feel agitated and trapped and turn into a (more) grouchy asshole. It feels as though every molecule is vibrating. There are tears queueing up to punch their way out, but I’d rather that happened later if I can stave it off. Hollow gut, faint feeling of RLS, nausea – I feel so lost. Every time I get teased (and it’s truly kindly meant) I have to walk away with a fake smile so that I don’t snap or howl.

Douchebag neighbour is away (hallefreakinglujah) and her daughter and family are house sitting, which is lovely. I get on really well with her and I escaped there for coffee earlier today. I’ll probably talk to nextofkin later if we’re able to speak. I get very silent when I’m feeling very fucked. Don’t know whether I’ve already told you, but ol’ douchebag popped in one day; she said that her homophobe had sent his regards and that she had said well why not do it yourself? I said, with a saccharine smile, “I haven’t invited him here and he isn’t welcome.” She did what she does, which is to look like a rabbit in headlights and scuttle off like a gecko. (I can’t begin to tell you how fond I am of mixed metaphors.)

I had blood drawn yesterday for white blood cell levels and something else I can’t remember. Then I’ll be on clozapine and apparently off chlorpromazine. Tomorrow I’ll take my two guests to an arty and old village. Tonight I’ll read blogs until I pass out.

Tell me how you are?

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