It’s my mother’s birthday and I started to feel miserable and fragmented and jagged yesterday. I’m having some solitude, which is possible because I have two guests till Tuesday. I’d be lousy company anyway and there’s every chance I’d feel agitated and trapped and turn into a (more) grouchy asshole. It feels as though every molecule is vibrating. There are tears queueing up to punch their way out, but I’d rather that happened later if I can stave it off. Hollow gut, faint feeling of RLS, nausea – I feel so lost. Every time I get teased (and it’s truly kindly meant) I have to walk away with a fake smile so that I don’t snap or howl.

Douchebag neighbour is away (hallefreakinglujah) and her daughter and family are house sitting, which is lovely. I get on really well with her and I escaped there for coffee earlier today. I’ll probably talk to nextofkin later if we’re able to speak. I get very silent when I’m feeling very fucked. Don’t know whether I’ve already told you, but ol’ douchebag popped in one day; she said that her homophobe had sent his regards and that she had said well why not do it yourself? I said, with a saccharine smile, “I haven’t invited him here and he isn’t welcome.” She did what she does, which is to look like a rabbit in headlights and scuttle off like a gecko. (I can’t begin to tell you how fond I am of mixed metaphors.)

I had blood drawn yesterday for white blood cell levels and something else I can’t remember. Then I’ll be on clozapine and apparently off chlorpromazine. Tomorrow I’ll take my two guests to an arty and old village. Tonight I’ll read blogs until I pass out.

Tell me how you are?


Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

18 thoughts on “title”

  1. Thinking of you…very glad to see this post. Was missing my fresh blahpolar posts, and I needed a fix!

    I ***know*** how rough it must be on your mother’s birthday, so big, big hugs out to you.

    I’m doing so-so-ish. thanks for asking, especially when you’re feeling jagged etc. during a particularly hard time.

    The last post I wrote (the exercise one with the stunning shot of Lucy yawning) contains a line in it inspired by you.

    Can you guess which one it is?

    Gotta Rainbow Dash, (that’s a hint)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. p.s. a blogging pal had VERY good results with clozapine.
    I thought it was Bipolar On Fire, but I can’t find any mention of ye olde cloz on her blog. Damn!

    Anyhoo….I hopehopehope it’s that way for you!!!!!! Pills packed with awesome. XO

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Kindness to you on such a hard anniversary — serves cup of kava-infused tea, surrounds with soft pillows, makes sure room is sealed from human beings, tiptoes quietly away — Been whatever except for spasms of Blah withdrawal:) Can’t wait for elephant pictures! Especially keen to seen a momma trunk-stroking a spawn, if you get a chance.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Strongs. Dragon told me he will make you a grilled cheese sandwich. That’s from me. I hear the mail in SA takes years. Fresh is best :)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Thinking of you. Better just to sit next to you on this one, than to try to think of the right thing to say. I could do the dishes, feed the dragon and the vampire mermaid, and keep you company.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, Blah. My thoughts have been with you, tho I haven’t been able to spend much time reading other people’s blogs lately – taking that time today. Glad to see a post from you, sad that you’re so sad. Wish the sting of the anniversary was less. Wish your neighbor would fuck off and just move away. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I am… still wondering about new bikes but otherwise busy making coffee at my coffee/bagels gig. Although I’ve been off with migraines yesterday and today. Ick.
    Did you get to go to the zoo in the end, and more importantly, did you situationally consider letting the tigers break free (leaving a trail of tiger bait all the way back to Chez Homophobe)? I always glue myself to the giraffes at the zoo. They’re my favourite. If I was in South Africa, I’d want to see the Riverine Rabbits, the rarest rabbit in the world (even rarer than the volcano rabbit in Mexico).

    Liked by 1 person

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