profanity is the crutch of a crippled vocabulary

I’m an all or nothing person
No
I’m not a nothing person
I’m an all person
(jmk 2013)

I wrote this a few days ago during a few hours of inexplicable agitation and rage… I thought you might quite enjoy it (guess who’s in the clutches of a mixed episode).

I guess I need to go back to not simply enjoying the good times, because it only seems to make the subsequent crash worse. How fucked, that life is more bearable when lived in a sort of depressive twilight zone.

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Fuck continuous cycling, fuck ultradian cycling, fuck mixed episodes, fuck psychosis and fuck bi-fucking-polar fucking affective fucking disorder. Fuck the biomarkers and the trauma and whatever other causes the researchers don’t quite find. Fuck science for knowing so fucking little about the brain. Fuck the money I don’t have, but need to spend on the treatment that doesn’t appear to be working. Fuck the fucking meds and their fucking side effects. Fuck vomiting, diarrhoea Fuck people’s fuckwitted beliefs and attitudes towards people with bipolar. Fuck the people with cyclothymia who think they can fucking preach to the rest of us about the fucking benefits of bipolar. Fuck the stupid amount of time it takes to diagnose the fucking disorder and fuck the prognosis for getting so much worse when it hasn’t been treated. Fuck all of the damage I’ve ever caused and sustained along the way. Fuck the social awkwardness, the anxiety and everything that comes with them. Fuck restless leg syndrome, fuck migraines and fuck the fucking word co-morbid. Fuck anyone who’s ever rolled their eyes at suicide. Fuck this rage that arrives out of nowhere, fuck the amount of work that’s needed to fail to control emotions, fuck the fact that a good mood is dangerous. Fuck the people who say it’s manageable and you definitely will get stable. Fuck celebrities for the fuckall they do apart from making the same fucking statement about their bipolar that everyone else does, and then leaping aboard the attention seeking awareness train instead of ever attempting to do something about a fucking cure. Fuck all the academics in their grant-lined ivory fucking towers and the meaningless fucking papers they write. Fuck everyone who profits far more than they can ever spend, from sickness and fuck society for encouraging it. Fuck the brain damage, fuck the memory problems and fuck the fact that medical professionals usually minimise it when they tell you about it. Fuck bipolar for making everything so fucking difficult.

Fuck. My. Life.

OK, what did I forget to fuck?

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The melancholic is sad, afraid; he isolates himself and cries, he thinks… about death… he exaggerates his evils and his faults… and his illness; he thinks himself a terrible sinner… he feels desperate. (Posidonius 135-51 BC)

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blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

78 thoughts on “profanity is the crutch of a crippled vocabulary”

  1. I must have my friend Sara “Fuck the Fucking Fuckers” J. read this one…
    she has “bipolar NOS/not otherwise specified” which to me seems like it would be much more accurately classified as “bipolar no one knows the fuck about” or bipolar NOKTFA!

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    1. I like Sarah already, she sounds like a good human being. There isn’t a bipolar NOS in the DSM 5 btw, so either she’s been cured magically, or her shrink is going to have to hop off the fence and assign her a more definite diagnosis. Not that it’ll change life much.

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  2. Not to “like” your current state of ass-suckery but…I breathed a sigh of relief after reading this. That title scared me. I mean, swearing is all I have left to vent my rage! My vocabulary is extensive yet it doesn’t do fuck all when I need to RANT. While “bipolar is so byzantine, it perpetually vexes me” sound prettier…”This fucking sucks” seems more concise when in the depressive angry cycle.

    Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck bipolar and all of its components.

    And thank for giving the tragic hateball free press!

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    1. I’m totally going to make a meme of bipolar is so byzantine, it perpetually vexes me, it’s beautiful. Was trying to think of more of your catchphrases and portmanteau words to make into quotes and memes (I do that sort of thing instead of murdering someone during mixed episodes), but my brain wasnt working. As for the h8 ball, curse it. Curse it hard.

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  4. Vincent Van Gogh, sitting in a psychiatrist’s office with a bandaged head, holding severed ear in his hand.

    Doctor: “You’re going to be fine. This is completely manageable.”

    Van Gogh: “Fuck you.”

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    1. Because Sherlock is a fucking highly functional sociopath, according to the latest British series, and society likes those when they’re running fucking corporations or ruling the world or whatfuckingever.

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  7. Fuck. Yes. I feel this SO MUCH tonight. Fuck everything, and I laugh in the face of those who tell me I’ll become stable one day. HA yeah good one, like that’s ever going to happen in this life time.

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  8. Messiah on a fuckin pogo stick. For a moment there, I thought you’d given up swearing. I think you *did* leave one out, but the rest of us have/will more than fucking make up for it.

    I *may* have cyclothemia these days, idn (before menopause ended, it was bloody full-bodied bipolar), yet there are days in which swearing is my best friend.

    Love the dragon avator, btw.

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    1. Oh fuck, I apologise sinfuckingcerely for the missing fuck. Also for dissing people with cyclothymia. I think, however, that I ought to advise you against fucking that pogo stick – stick to the messiah.

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      1. It must be a bipolar thing, this rage! I am mostly angry too, effing my way across the world in my hands, wanting to throw things. So far, I’ve been able to control it, keep it mostly in my head. But it’s no way to live. I want serenity dammit! How can we get there?

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  15. Oh goddamn the mother fucking universe any fucking way.

    Feels like I’ve got rug burn on my fucking SOUL from sliding up and down so goddamn much. On the way down…maybe. Maybe my rage will buoy me. I sure as fuck fucking hope so. Today I say line ’em up and mow ’em down. No rainbow turds out of MY ass.

    Love your fuckety-fucking rants, Blah. <3

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    1. The fucking universe needs to be fucking well drop kicked so it stops fucking us all up our rainbow-free asses. For fucksache. Have you killed anyone yet? Hope you’re not going down, or at least not too far down. Fuck that.

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      1. Dropped a bit, feel it in my stomach. Not too far, not yet. Always hope never, but even in high times I won’t kid myself. Gonna try to recharge this next week, get rested. No push with classes, so I’ll have some extra time on my hands. Pht! Listen to me. ‘Extra time’. Yeah, I’ll just squeeze the lemon of the universe; it’ll drip out a few more drops of time, right? ;)

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              3. And one more comment. Sorry for the double reply. For some reason it looked like the original reply didn’t go through so I did it again. And that’s why I look like an idiot. Fucking computers!

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  16. Hey, I’m safe, as long as I stay clear of that pogo stick. It’s cool. (Except when I lose my shit, then it isn’t at all cool.)

    And I’m just self-diagnosing about the cyclothymia (not about the bipolar: I have the paperwork. Don’t remember being given the actual diagnosis, but that’s probably because I was still coming round from being locked up in isolation, & injected with some feckin powerful drugs.)

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  17. I agree with you, FUCK IT ALL ILL SAY!!!! I think I know where that rage explosions come from, are they more common a week before your period? No need to answer that here, just having the same rage explosions out of nowhere and without any warning, Perimenopause + PMS. Fuck that too, I know… The most frustrating thing is not being able to help each other when we need to, Fuck that twice! Big bear hug to you me dear. Oh and fuck being brain dead and not being able to function as I need to most of the times! Fuck, is not helping either…

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      1. Dam, aren’t you younger than me?!How can you be post menopausal? Oh man, aren’t we fucked… But even so, those rage spikes, could they come from it, I mean the hormones running wild thing? I feel (I am) like a pre-historical retarded thing trying to communicate in a different language and I can’t even think straight in my mother’s tong. Give me lots of shots of everything please!!! Oh, this morning, before I took a shower, I weigh myself thinking I was “getting slimmer” I gained 2kg more! Fuck that too!!! I have to move my ass ASAP and lose 10 kg till my birthday or I won’t celebrate it! I miss my old life, smoking, drinking partying, dating, “smoking” being hot not fat… I feel like a 200 year old lady with a big ass on my lower back (where else) rambling about life and what’s not in it anymore. Come here and gives us a bear hug! (Now that I’m a big bear) Fuck retardation of hot women before they reach their 50’s! Ok I’ll shut up now, big large kisses your way!

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        1. I’m 45, doctors have been telling me I’m too young for ages, so I finally asked for a blood test. And ja, menopause causes unstable moods – just what a bipolar person needs. I’ve still been less angry than before though.

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          1. I knew you are almost 3 years younger than me. I haven’t lost a period yet but they sure are getting less and less abundant than 3 months ago. isn’t there any treatment for you at this point!?

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              2. Forgive for asking this but you got me thinking… You said (about menopause) your doctor is going to put you on hrt?! Is it safe? I’m asking this because none of my doctor; psychiatrists, my general practitioner or my gynecologist wanted to put me on HRT because I was taking meds for bipolar! Around here that’s a big no, no.

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                1. She got me on one to see if it’ll stabilise my moods, she said I should try it for 6mnths or so, and that I’m a low risk patient as far as hrt issues go. Only thing that concerns me is osteoporosis, and 6mnths ain’t gonna fuck that up much. If it makes no difference to mood stability, I’m going to chuck it out.

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  18. You scared the fuck out of me with this title. I read it and thought, what-the-you-can’t-be-serious-fuck!? And then I read the article. I do vent a lot of bloody raging through swearing, it beats venting it out the arse. (You’ll have to just trust me on that.) Thank GOD for fucking expletives as stress relievers, laughter, fucking cats in hats, and fucking brilliant writers, writers’ friends, and writers friends who write. You are all just thera-fucking-peutic BEAUTIFUL people.

    Fuckity-Bye!

    DM

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    1. Nombre the hombre, thanks for that comment, as for rectal venting, I guess so far lithium is the only thing that caused that. Wow, I have the most fucking genteel blog and comments in the entire fucking world heheheheh…

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  19. It’s everything I scream in my head that my (yes I’m going to be a big girl and type it out) Fucking brain and mouth won’t allow me to say without stuttering severely. When I’m angry now I have to drive in my car and listen to the song Walk by Pantera at the highest volume in the hope the rage and beast inside me will be blasted out. Previously I would just go to the bar. Sometimes this worked. Sometimes the anger would reappear halfway through my drinking and I literally became someone else. A person you wouldn’t want to know. I was mean. I could back it up then I was over 200 pounds. It was never pretty. It has to be better than having it all trapped inside. It’s killing me.

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      1. I surprised you? lol I’ve met Pantera. I do not remember it at all!! I remember being in the pit and that’s about it. I rhymed. And I’m old I don’t know what TEH is. I worshiped Motley Crue and Aerosmith, faked an asthma attack with chest pains to get better seats at Judas Priest 2 times. Not proud but it’s what a grandiose, manic, alcoholic does when they think they should be on stage or at least the band’s manager. lol The words to Walk really help with road rage. xoxo

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  22. You can’t say Fuck’it enough to bipolar..but you may have, B.
    It’s a mother fuckin bitch of a fucker..but look what I found…I toast you,..w fuckin love.. See Sea

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  23. Have I told you lately you’re awesome? Probably not because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself for one thing or other, but fuck, you’re awesome. Aaaand….restless leg syndrome is associated to bipolar disorder? Well, fuck me! I’ve been dealing with that shit since I was 4 years old. I basically tap dance myself through the night.

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    1. As far as I know, rls is allegedly a symptom of withdrawal from certain type/s of antidepressant withdrawal – but for me, that’s only been the case once. The rest of the times have either been around some other meds (currently an anticonvulsant) or for no freaking reason at all. And wow that’s a lot of tap dancing, it must be driving you bananas. Are you using magnesium in any form?

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