tribe

So, tribe, how are you doing? We might be the only people who can ask each other that and just tell the truth. No pretence, no sinking feeling, no feelings of guilt when the truthful answer is, “up to shit” more often than not. Here we all are, intense and extreme people, people who other people often think have our heads up our asses, but here we are and we’re so fucking compassionate. There are days when this tribe – you – get me through it without me melting down completely. There’s a lot more I could say, but I won’t, because I’d fuck up my reputation for grouchiness. Seriously though, thank you.

This one’s for us:

Self Portrait (Osip Mandelstam)

A hint of wing in the lifted
head. But the coat’s flapping.
In the closed eyes, arms’ quiet,
there’s nervous energy hiding.

Here’s one who flies and sings,
and the word, in flames, hammered,
until congenital awkwardness,
by inborn rhythm’s conquered

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

87 thoughts on “tribe”

  1. This day has been shit from the moment I put my feet on the floor. Florida resurfaced-after blocking and deleting EVERYTHING-stalker much?-then I find out my grandfather in law has passed away. And all I want to do is take my kids to Tennessee and get some fucking PEACE for my sanity! I am overwhelmed and overloaded today. There aren’t enough anxiety meds available to help me manage. I sold more jewelry for money. I’ve forgotten to eat-AGAIN. I’m stabby today and I need a god damn hug! :'(

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Eat first Sass, you know life is even more crappy when the blood sugar is low. As for florida, I’m off to tan his hide and turn him into a handbag. Sorry to hear of the loss of your grandfather in law; death’s even more of a bastard than Bipolar is. And ffs, autocorrect changed it to grandfather in lawn. Wtf. *massive hug*

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’ll eat sometime. Please, I do need a new handbag-three pocketed. Death is imminent, but we always think of grandparents and parents as immortal. Then we get kicked in the balls. Autocorrect has been fuckered up since I updated to iOS 9. Couldn’t even BEGIN to tell you about the words it’s started to make up.
        Thanks for the hug. Sorry for the snot on your shoulder

        Liked by 1 person

                    1. That’s the thing, mine weren’t an issue either. I’ve decided. I’m going to return this menopause thingy and get my periods back.

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  2. I almost killed my 20 year old cat by my brilliant idea of getting a blood test. Fell awful, awful, awful, about that! She’s recovering, I think it’s going to take me a lot longer to get over the fact I did this to her :-(
    I so agree with your description of us people as intense and extreme, no moderation here, always at one extreme pole or the other, haha bipolar! God why, why is moderation and mildness so hard? Love you too Blah, xxxooo

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Lots of good vibes to you and your cat too. The mistake is in the past mate, face forwards now, your cat won’t benefit by your feeling shit, she just needs you to emanate love,

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m semi ok ish but dissociation is kicking my ass. And aint nothin i can do about that sigh. Also wanted to invite you to my new blog? Made one where I am only inviting certain people? If you’d like to then just go here http://manyinone1980.wordpress.com/ and request access? and then when I approve you it looks like you gotta go hit follow on the page to get the posts to your inbox, otherwise you’ll be a follow but new posts wont go to your email, unless of course you use the wordpress ap? XX

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is the kind of post that makes me all warm and fuzzy…I know, not the look you were going for. It’s reassuring that there are people who get it, and we get to be sad or anxious or wanting to die…whatever, you know…Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m doing well. Really quite fine, grateful to the tribe, much love in my heart for everyone. Poor Osip. Murdered for speaking truth and beauty to power. I keep meaning to read Nadezhda’s memoirs of their lives under Stalinist exile and persecution. Someone I trust said it was one of the very finest things ever written. Good, this winter, I will get to it. Been haunting and reproaching me long enough. If anyone is interested, check out the Amazon reader reviews of Hope Against Hope. I know, reader reviews are often toxic sludge, but it speaks to the quality of the book that it produced such testimonials. Well, I just read them and think so at any rate! Thanks for popping his name back in my head, Blah, you always pick such fine poems. I’ve been on a WWII kick lately, too, particularly drawn to the bloodlands between Berlin and Moscow. Certainly puts things for my lucky ass in perspective. We can be the cruelest kind. And the kindest.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Yes you have to read Nadezhda. Not the easiest book to read, emotionally, but erm worthwhile indeed. Glad to hear that you’re doing well – I really am. Give the littlest hero a scratch behind the ears for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Miserable as fuck – that sums up my mood today(and what seems eternal) it took me years before I realised that, days where I ache all over as if I have the flu is down to bipolar – thanks again old friend. I ache but I don’t know in what way, my bones, skin….everything. Joy to the world!
    I like this post, thank you for taking time to ask how we’re all doing, after all we are the only ones who ‘get’ one another.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ha. Although I’m sorry that you experience it, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who gets low grade flu symptoms at times. Wtf is up with that. And so – thank you too.

      Liked by 2 people

  7. I was discharged yesterday and had a crisis last night, so considering that I’ve been quite good today and managed to go to my workshop and for a walk in the park and food shopping.

    All is not well, but all is not so unwell either. Somewhere in between: stable-isn mood, and a series of other ailments but you know, it could be worse.

    Thanks for asking ;-)

    x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shit you’ve done damn well today, that’s not “quite good”, it’s miraculous. Or at least, it would be if it were me. Well done mate. And I hope the needle shifts towards “well” some more.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes me too. They’re looking at adding to my meds, I think i’d like them to increase the one i think is stabilising me because to be honest, i’m sick of hearing nonsense voices!!! Thanks though for the encouragement for sure!!! :) x

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Ta very much, o crazy Califriendian. I’m sorry about your posts sluroquel blues, I think zombie is what that little pill does best. That zombicorn is very disturbing, I hope morgue sees it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’ve apparently fallen off some sort of ADHD cliff and have fuck-all ability to brain lately. Which sucks ’cause I really should be doing research to support my case so it gets taken seriously in the face of the NHS loving to pretend that adults don’t have ADHD (and the referrals cost a lot and mine has already been shot down twice). At this point, I’m happy that I’m managing ‘real’ work, if not much else. And I only manage that because it’s very monotonous and zennish.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw Rae I’m sorry to hear it. Monotonous zen is no easy thing until you get into the routine of it, so we’ll done for that. As for the NHS, I reckon everyone on wp has had enough of me bitching about them by now. What a pile of shite.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Eysh, I’m surprised to hear that actually. I guess the media/propaganda that the developing world is subject to hides things like that. IImean, I know that everyone everywhere struggles, but I didn’t realise the USA was worse off than the UK.

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          1. If you don’t have money in the US, then you don’t have health care. I didn’t have health care growing up, or had it in passing. I can count on one hand how many times I went to the doctor. I would not be surprised if my parents ignored my mental health issues because they were too chickenshit to honestly admit that we could not afford it. Which we probably couldn’t, but I would have been happier hearing that then being told I was making it up. In the UK, I have much better circumstances of care, to include a great psych who is on my side, and the good luck to respond well to meds (or have so far. Lately has been a bit shaky).

            Liked by 2 people

            1. It’s good to hear you’re getting good care, my experiences with the NHS have been negative about 90% of the time, but thems the breaks. I hope you settle soon as far as meds go, I’m sending you good thoughts and wishes Rae.

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  9. NOT good,,,, no fucking good, & not one damned good excuse given by evil timebomb (brain) in my head. Nothing significantly awry in my life,,, just so many disconnected random thoughts leaving reality flooding my mind. I’m serious when I say I’m constantly telling myself I’m real/this is real,,, I’m walking around feeling as if I’m in altered existence. Mood & awareness. USE YOUR ILLUSION,,, seeking reality,,,,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Delusional kind of stuff? Sorry about the brainbomb mate, what a fucker. I’d offer to trade, but since mine keeps getting into real conversations with the sea, it’s probs not a great idea. Let’s go and smack muggles, or something therapeutic like that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Delusional, yes & if I’m out among people the feelings (realizations of awareness) startle me into high anxiety bordering on a panic attack. Yes! Take me away from me!! Hug you! <3

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s soooo weird when it happens when people are around. I was walking with two friends one day, fortunately they were talking to each other when a wave turned over saturated green, perfectly cylindrical shaped and began to emit very jolly organ music.

          Liked by 1 person

              1. I don’t tell anyone, they 1) wouldn’t comprehend 2) wouldn’t believe 3) world blow it off comparing it to something they “experienced” or D) ALL OF THE ABOVE! it was hard enough telling my pDoc

                Liked by 1 person

  10. “Here we all are, intense and extreme people, people who other people often think have our heads up our asses, but here we are and we’re so fucking compassionate.”

    Yes yes …so true!

    People think we don’t even have feelings and all weird shit like that. But man can we be compassionate.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. People think we don’t have feelings? I need you to introduce me to your people, mine all give the distinct impression that they think I have far too many. And we’re very fucking compassionate to them too. Grmf.

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  11. I am in a very inappropriate mood. I’ve erased about four different comments so far. Can I just say what most people learning English say? “Hello, how are you? I’m fine, thank you.” I shall blame it on change in meds.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, I feel dizzy and nauseous and sensitive and cranky…and that pisses me off and then I write stuff with a twinge of sarcasm and then people get offended. So I have to re-read and ask myself “Could this be construed as ‘offensive’?” And if the answer is “yes” then I might as well delete it because I don’t have the energy to backtrack and explain my intentions.
        I dunno why but I just thought of a close friend of mine who has bipolar and is in perpetual manic-mode. I told her that she should warn customer service reps at the beginning of a convo, especially via telephone, that she has a medical condition in which she talks too much and too fast because she has had people tell her to be quiet and that she is giving them a headache.
        My point is, if I can avoid it, I don’t want to give people a headache :)

        Liked by 1 person

  12. You just articulated for me why I like your blog so much…”and just tell the truth.” Please! I crave this from people, but that just ain’t the way of the world for the most part. So your blog is refreshing, like those Frescas I drank as a youth.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Let’s see. You know you’ll get an honest answer from me. I was driving on the highway, going about 75 mph, when a thought popped into my head. What if I just let go of the wheel? No one was answering their phones or texts, the stents keeping me from going into kidney failure hurt like hell, most of the time I’m crying and stuttering and getting yelled at for it. So I thought why bother? Then I thought I’ll probably wind up at the Hospital I hate unable to move while the nurses forget to change my diaper and make fun of me. So I kept my hands on the wheel and obsessed over the dogs I can’t have. It was a day filled of sunshine and relaxation. Now I’m watching Vikings for some eye candy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love Vikings, my eye candy there is Lagertha. I can relate completely to the thoughts of allowing one’s car to do its own thing at high speed, there’s a hill with a dam just off to the right near my home and often when I pass it I consider the logistics. But any car accident t offers too much potential for adult diapers etc, and besides, as I keep saying, while my dog’s alive, so am I.

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      1. This morning was a mess of tears and snot as my father sat next to me explaining for the millionth time all I do is talk about my illnesses. My response? Because you are not listening the first time. I finally just cried and stuttered so much he said ” get the dogs!” Then I thought “what if I can’t take care of them?” lol What a mess I am.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. If you’re anything like me, looking after dogs is what keeps you going. Wish I could afford to keep more than one, but the unexpected vet bills wipe me out.

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              1. Ha Ha You might not say that if you saw the 800 and something word post I just spewed out. I’m losing it but it’s good to know I’m not alone.

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  14. 44 comments by the time I get here. My aren’t we chatty? Well Ms Blah f*ing Polar Ma’am Sir, I am feeling fine. Well enough to sit in front of my desktop computer and process a stack of photo files. Got the choice Addo shots up on flickr (my choice that is) so toddle over and have a look. Trying to pull together a rough slide show of my South Africa visit before seeing the folks on Monday for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s only taken three months (damn heart attack – it’s never just enough to be bipolar). Now ready to start on my shots from C’s.

    Stay cool through the hot flashes. It can’t last forever. :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I LOVE your photos, please mail your Flickr link to C? She’ll love seeing our day in Addo.

      I’ve just changed my name to blahpolar haasbroek, because I was chatting to beeps about the funny and sometimes rude surnames the Dutch made up for themselves when required to have official surnames by the Napoleonic occupation. It means rabbit trousers, I’ve lolled at it all my life. I probably told you about the poison pygmy’s maiden name being Fokkerot (fuck a rat). So the formal title these days is sir blahpolar haasbroek tyvm. Oh and Sass dubbed me king butch. But since I’m your horrible ex wife, feel free to continue referring to me as “that bitch” and so on.

      Older women keep telling me that they still get hot flashes, I’m going to burn the next one who does. Lol and you know how women say stuff like that, just ooooozing schadenfreude.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Fokkerot LOL! Can you email me C’s address? I know I had it somewhere but can’t find it.

        And honey you are so cool there’s no way you’ll have the hot flashes forever. :D

        Liked by 1 person

  15. Messy, emotional, but functional – excluding recent period where I alternated between crying, screaming & swearing. Did I mention messy & emotional?

    Went on a course which unfortunately had me revisiting my first suicide attempt, which was over 10 years ago & kicked off my contact with mh services, and led to first admission to psych ward.

    My sympathies on struggles with menopause. That I suspect is what kicked my bipolar into gear. On the plus side, I skipped the physical crap like hot flashes/flushes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Fecking emotions eh? I seem to mistrust mine enough to do my best not to have any, which seems to negate all sorts of things. Sorry you went through a rough patch and especially sorry you got triggered that way.

      How did you escape the physical menopause stuff? I’ll give you a kidney if you send me the map. Some of the older women round here tell me they still get symptoms sporadically and it makes me wish I could have my menses back.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey there, tried to reply from work at around 2 am, didn’t work out. Re escaping physical menopause stuff: hmm, wish I could help! For whatever reason, I’ve always been physically quite sturdy; mentally, not so much!

        If the Daleks ever land in S Yorks, and send us all down pit, I’ll be the one still digging months later, but I’ll be talking incessantly to the coal, probably convinced it’s my parents, or summat. I’ll also probably be convinced I gave all the other slaves some hideous disease, when really they’ve dropped dead of exhaustion. (Everytime I’ve been in hospital, became convinced I was spreading disease, including MRSA. Wtf??)

        You’d never tell I’ve spent a lot of today watching Doctor Who, eh?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Maybe you’ll get the doctor rather than the daleks and he’ll revive the cutlery industry instead – let’s hope for that rather. Product delivery by tardis would be a wonderful thing.

          And menopause, well at least I get night sweats far more than I do hat flashes, I don’t like the flashes at all, but the horrible sweats are at least only horrible after I wake – no feelings of being microwaved lol.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Cutlery, eh? You ever see Cutler’s Hall in Sheff? Ain’t it grand?

            Yuck, night sweats. For some reason that sounds worse than day, I don’t know why.

            V grateful for my physical health, which is holding up despite being closer to 60 (!) now than 50. Bipolar is a hell of a card to be dealt, but to be stuck with physical health problems, PTSD, etc., etc., as well…Christ on a holographic pogo stick!

            Respect, people, true respect.

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  16. I’m honestly doing well today so far. I’ve had a several day stretch of even-keel mood and a sense of what could almost be called “calm” while at work. How strange and . . . nice! I’ve been to two really great Alcoholics Anonymous meetings yesterday and today, and I’m still chewing on the wisdom I got there. My woodworking hobby is waiting for me and I’m about to go do that. I could really get used to this! (although nothing related to my mood or wellbeing stays consistent very long!) Thanks for creating this safe space for honest community!

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Oh hells bells! I’m jittery and in the corner and a bit afraid to speak up and say I’M DOIN’ GREAT, MAYBE MOVING A BIT FAST which is an understatement, of course (natuurlijk). Flying. Trying to not shit too many rainbows in the vicinity of anyone’s downtown gloom because I know that feels like CRAP. It’s only noon? For fuck’s sake. I’ve lived three goddamn lifetimes since I got up. I be horrified of my hips and upper thighs ’cause right now I feel like the shaking produced when I walk will take down buildings. Smoking too much. Tired and foggy but unable to sleep for very long. Trying to get ready for another week of language class, which will probably keep me flying. Feel a bit on auto-pilot..

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      1. Yeah, it’s that situation and the constant travelling. Fortunately I think both of those are over now. Made me feel nauseous. Ate some Ben & Jerry’s, I feel better now :P

        Like

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