whiny crappy people barfing

wpid-f748754863972576b32d61ecaa2b2ea2.jpgI’m about to get all 100 days of gratitude on your asses. Shrink Two, who is CBT-ing my ass on the way to her becoming a fully fledged shrink, and this, of course, is CBT homework. Despite my absolute loathing of shiny mindfulness, I’ve been keeping a mental gratitude list for a little over two years now. I haul it out when needed and it never, ever makes me spew rainbows, but it really does help. The goal of the daily gratitude list, obviously, is to stop the whole mindless (snigger) kneejerk thing and get me into the ever so thankful nowwww. Om. I hate to say it, but it makes a lot of sense to me.

If she turns me into a shiny mindful person, I am going to have to kick her through a tear in the space time continuum somewhere. Mind you, the other assignment is to try to identify the individual thoughts that accompany my suicidal ideation default setting, so at least I can muddy my shiny aura with some morbid thoughts. Phew.

Okay, let me get my rainbow on.

My rainbow appears to have dashed.

1. I spent two hours on the beach this morning and it was a really great walk. I had genuinely happy memories of my mother and beaches, it was amazing not to feel stabbed by them right away (someone hid that knife till after midday).

2. I’ve been looking after a friend’s dog for the past six weeks, dog will be flying to friend overseas in two weeks. Now, said dog has been my friend for seven years or so; I rescued her from an asshole who tied her up for a month and I kept her while she learned to accept love and kindness. It’s going to break my fucking heart to see her go, but I am really and truly glad she’s with me now. And she was especially sweet and photogenic in her own demented way today. I used to call her PTSDog.

3. After the beach, once the dogs were fed, I decided to get the books out and identify stuff I’d seen on the beach. I used to know it well, but yeah… stuff. I ended up paging through the book, stopping when I found something I’d photographed for my beachpickings blog, to add titles to the photos, with common and Latin names. I was absorbed for hours, which is a bloody good sign, given the way my brain loves loadshedding nowadays. It also took me back to my real self a bit – the part that would probably exist regardless of trauma and bipolar – the decidedly nerdly side. I’m pretty sure of it too, because there’s a clear strain of nerdiness in my family. In terms of shared obsessions (which is really what nerdy is all about), lotr, books, music and naming things are certainly things unconnected to terrible things.

4. I got amazing gifts from an amazing friend yesterday, which meant that I tried Reese’s Pieces for the first time in my life today. Om nom nom.

5. Depression didn’t hit me till the afternoon.

Brb going to run slow motion through a soft focus flowery meadow.


How do I do this without the inner dialogue going…

1. She’s dead.
2. In a fortnight I am going to cry hard and hurt harder.
3. The afternoon was truly shite.
4. I can’t afford imported Reese’s Pieces.
5. Well that’s cold comfort innit.

I know the fucking answer. It’s keep fucking repeating the fucking task and trust the fucking process. (Please don’t take away my darkness, it’s all I know.) (Turmoil. I haz it.)


Didnt manage to identify thoughts round suicide today. I didn’t notice any around it.

In the process of stealing sourcing images for this post, I saw smurf porn #cannotunsee #scarred4life

Note to self for Shrink Two: yes I know that friends can be family, but it tends not to be same in terms of practical support – and why on earth would/should it be?

I really do hate Mickey.

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

63 thoughts on “whiny crappy people barfing”

  1. I’ve always found therapy a bit useless simply because if my mind state is stable and my anxiety isn’t feasting on my central nervous system, my perceptions are pretty realistic and filled with both gratitude and a measure of “this sucks.”
    My biggest issues are when the bipolar cycles hit or the anxiety goes full on psycho panxiety, at which point the distortions begin and if I could “regulate” that shit with the power of my mind, I wouldn’t be choking down hubcaps every morning with a six pill chaser.
    Maybe the Jedi therapy tricks work for some, maybe they’re awesome for breaking negative thought patterns, etc.
    Just don’t find them useful when the brain decides to send out the wrong messages and I am acting on the info given to me not because I think it’s right, I just think it’s what I’m being given at that time to act upon and life doesn’t have a pause button so I can wait til the wiring starts sending the right messages.
    Mental illness is a consummate liar so sometimes, it’s lies are very very convincing.
    I am however glad that it’s proving useful for you, we gotta take any tool given (even if its a dumb square spork) to battle this crap.

    If unicorns bleed rainbows…Does that mean my blood and guts are black? Hope so, that’d be fashionable and very X-Files/alien cool.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I’m not sure it is proving useful in itself (cbt), but Shrink Two definitely is. She’s just a really cool woman, can relate to me about the death of a mother – and it’s surprising how many of the traditions from her country (in Africa), align with a bunch of my Irish ones. Lots to learn o a humane and human level. What bothers me about CBT dbt abc wtf, is that I tend to either drift right off (which I don’t want to do this time round, I like Shrink Two and I don’t want to give her nothing, it’s a PhD thesis), or get all hypo enthusiastic, which will burn out very fucking fast. Anyway, I’m doing this shiny crappy thing for the fucked up reason of helping her – because in a fucked up way, I don’t actually want it to help me. And your blood? Yeah man, matte black as dark, empty and limitless as…. No wait, that’s my soul I’m describing. :D

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well, on the plus side, even if it helps her more than you, you’re doing it for selfless reasons.

        On the bad side…You totally stole my thunder by having a blacker bleaker soul than me. Damnit to hell.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. How far from the beach do you live, or,,, do you live on the beach? Eeewww I don’t like Mickey, Smurfs or Reese’s Pieces,,, yesterday & today it’s about 65°F & rainy yuck! I’m a sunshiny girl today (yeah right!). I want hot sunny summer weather back! Apathy, no emotions & emptiness giving way with building anxiety, I can feel drops of depression starting to drip on my head

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m trying to send you some beach via jedi mind trickery, but the progress bar just isn’t moving. I live less than a kilometre from the beach, which would be impossible almost anywhere else in the country, but because this is generally a fucked up, underfunded etc region, I can – and that fact is permanently on the gratitude list. I notice you didn’t mention not liking the my little pony……..

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Love you Blah, you are a genius! Soft focus flowery meadow, hahaha!!! The mindfullness stuff works for mw too, the being here now, but it takes so much effort for me, and my mind goes back to all its negative self talk so easily that it really is a struggle. I’ve read Eckhart Tolle, tried takinG a Pema Chödrön course, but it just doesn’t stick… Frankly Pema Chödrön just annoys me, I don’t know why, and the fact that Eckhart Tolle is probably sitting on gazillions of dollars thanks to his successful coaching career somehow seems to diminish him in my eyes… But who cares about my eyes, I’m glad mindfullness is therapeutic fro you. Sending you a Skittles rainbow, Blah!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol I was totally channelling a shampoo advert there. And ja. Self help books. I cannot do them (and I ghost wrote one once lololol). And let’s call him Eckhart Toilet. Thanks for the skittles (we have those here).

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Reese’s Pieces are the best. NOMNOMNOM. I have to eat them in threes-yellow, brown and orange. Always have, always will. Maybe I can send you a steady supply of them?

    As for CBT therapy-I don’t know if it works for me “power of thoughts” things get twisted in my head when my brain is going rapid misfire like AK47s. To each their own. I like that you have a gratitude book that you can look back at.

    Your allergies didn’t act up when you ran through the meadow did they? I have a tendency to fall-a lot-and do so gracefully.

    Apathy has set in. I need a nap.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What gratitude book? I’m scared. It probably has flowers and a teeny fake gold padlock. Aaaaaaarrrghhh nooooooooo…. I eat M&m’s in colour combinations that I like. The combinations change according to whatever colours run out first.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. OMG that sounds like a girly diary!! NOOOOO! I used to sort my M&Ms in color groups, then take one of each group to make sub groups then start with the group that doesn’t fit the pattern ;) OH! I saw a car with a South Africa flag sticker on their car-then I proceeded to cuss them out because she couldn’t dive. Bitch couldn’t pick a lane-granted the lanes weren’t painted, but still. ;D


        1. Okay okay you totally with the candy sorting contest. I’m crushed. Erm, cussing out a South African because she couldn’t dive? That’s cold, Sass, road diving is not easy…. And we dive on the left here… Hehehehe

          Liked by 2 people

  5. Is it a total non-starter for you to get attached to a dog of your very own? I know we outlive them and that’s hard but it’s future hard in exchange for present and near-future awesome and waggly tails. I mean, I know there’s the suicidal thoughts and the rapid cycling and stuff, and I don’t have an answer for that part but dogs are great. Almost as good as bunnies.
    Also that duck picture was unsettling, it reminded me of the They Might Be Giants song “Time”
    I wish I had a dog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have a dog of my own, I’m glad to say. She’s the reason I’m not 100% morbid and suicidal, I wish you had a dog too. But! Bunnies! Somehow your mention of tmbg caused a hootie and the blowfish song to earworm.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oops…
        Was it also called “Time” by any chance? I have not heard enough of their stuff.
        I offer you a counter-earworm: Albuquerque by Weird Al. It’s… by Weird Al. So it pretty much defies description.
        Yeah my dog died a couple of years ago and I’m not over him yet. I keep meaning to write about him but I go to pieces every time I try. Maybe when the meds have built up in my blood a bit more…

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Okaaaay now Prefab Sprout (wtf kind of a name is that) are going “hot dog, jumping from, albaquerque” and UK here wondering if I stole your sheep in a past life of something. Maybe this is a Highlander style feud through the ages…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Hugs for you for losing dogs too. :( I’m holding out hope that they’ll invent some kind of “age match up” science thing that makes pets live as long as their owners (or longer if their owners are cunts and get new pets when they’re like 90 or something). …Yeah, I’m sticking to rabbits for a while. They say they only live 8 years, but I adopted two of mine when they were 8 and they’re 10 now so who knows how long they might really live for??

            Liked by 1 person

            1. It rhymed – you could send morose greeting cards:

              Hugs for you
              for losing dogs too

              Couldn’t agree more with the age thing, although I’m uncuntly enough to want to croak after my pets do. And wow I didn’t realise rabbits lived that long. I have said to dogs, “try and live for another 50 years?”

              Liked by 1 person

              1. Greetings cards: “Sorry yer dog’s dead. When I hit him he made the road red. Shoulda kept him on his lead. Toast to him with lots of mead.”
                “Violets are blue, roses are red,
                Guess you won’t need, that new dog bed.”
                No I’m really perversely insensitive when I actually sit down and try to think of stuff. Oh well. I’ll stay away from a lucrative career at Hallmark for the time being.
                No-one really knows how long rabbits can live for because they tend to get what I call “bunny brain death” if they get left in a hutch with no intellectual stimulation for years and years. Twenty years ago people thought they’d be lucky to live to age 4. It’s only very recently (like the last decade or so) that people have started realizing they’ve got the same sized brain as a small cat, and they’ve been trying to work out the ideal environment for a pet rabbit and have found that they seem to just go on and on like the duracell bunny if you give them enough toys, hiding places, healthy food, space to run fast, vet care and companionship. Like anyone really. I’m hoping they’ll live forever…

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Hugs for you
                  For losing dogs too
                  One silver lining
                  No more poo

                  That’s freaking horrendous, about rabbit lifespans. Makes me want to go smack some people a bit. Idk which people. Retired rabbit hutch manufacturers possibly.

                  Liked by 1 person

                  1. Am very glad that Pets At Home (my local pet supermarket, which is a national chain and used to be called Pet City back when they were all kinds of awful) now market their smaller (less than 5 foot) hutches for guinea pigs only, and they won’t sell rabbits to people who don’t buy a good sized rabbit hutch. Obviously it’s in their best interests for sales but it’s also good for bunnies. Apparently rabbits are the fastest growing pet in the UK. Even when they’re neutered…

                    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh my gosh, I so get this post! I struggle with going to therapy and totally knowing she would love for me to act a bit midful and be present and grateful and shift my focus to all the beauty in my life. And fuck that, I do that 10 flipping plus hours a day at work and it’s exhausting and maybe I just need to be real and spew how I really feel. It’s the flipping other side of gratitude and I don’t know, maybe normal people don’t think as such and maybe focusing on the the things I am grateful for will ultimately heal my mind…but I doubt it and I am fully aware that there are great things in my life and I am grateful but I am so NOT okay and I know I am not well and unstable and up and down or I don’t even know and I’m using your post to vent–I’m sorry and hopefully this depression will be a thing of the past very soon. However, I do like My Little Pony–all about friendship and kindness and cuteness….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for that vent, I almost did airpunches for every line. It’s all too much like: “meh, I’ve just had my leg amputated” and “but you’ve got another leg, yaaaaaaay”. Makes me want to kill. Hate hate hate it

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Why yes exactly but you can balance right?! And why bother going to therapy if I’m just going to be positive and mindful and reframe things. But thanks for letting me rant and it’s all good because it has to be

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I had to look up Reeses’s PIeces, one never stops learning.
    I think any reason to love is a good reason. You are doing this even though you’re not convinced because you like the woman who’s working with you. It’s as good a reason as any.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. By love, did you mean live? Perhaps they’re the same thing. In fact, I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing. Either way, you’re quite right. Even a rhino would agree.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Today I was grateful for my two rescue wretched mutant pug boyz. And the sociopath Chinese kings who managed to breed them from wolves. Weirdos.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I never had Reese’s Pieces either! I don’t think I can get them here. But if I see them it will be delivered through usual channels :P

    No point of feeling bad in anticipation of feeling bad. It’s such an obvious thing to not do that I never mastered how to not do it….

    Liked by 1 person

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