how to date a muggle – a user’s guide

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

I used a fine toothed comb for this one. Actually that’s bullshit, it was a machete. I weedwhacked my way through lots and lots and lots and so many articles about how to date someone with bipolar disorder. How to cope, when to break up, how to break up, some were kind, some were sensible and some were downright vitriolic. While I can totally see the need for education about bipolar and relating to us, it dominates the scene completely. What about us? We are who we are, we have a genetic, neurobiological, trauma activated or postpartum or whatever flavour, of a disorder. We didn’t ask for it and we didn’t ask to be treated like shit for it either. Fuck that. (Pro tip: I hear Julie Fast’s guide to how to love us is really good.) it all turns into a them and us concept, but we gotta work with what we got.

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So.

How should we navigate their planet, when we don’t have any maps? The answer is simple; we take wisdom from the collective conscious of our own tribe, we learn from each other’s experiences and we curate that information. And it isn’t only in the links I’ve dumped here today. It’s in books and blogs and conversations and lives – just like everything else. We should all write about it too, populate the Internet with views from our side of the line and give Google’s little crawlers more to find than zomg whut don’t date a bipolarrr, or if you really must, get a rabies injection and a hazmat suit.

They’re as fucking weird to us as we are to them, we need to start shrugging off some guilt and blame. What’s even more weird is that I am writing this post at all. I’ve sworn a vow of celibacy, hermitry and all the other trees.

If you only click one link, make it this one. It’s by a bipolar guy called Gregory who really gets it. Hallefuckenlujah.

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Bipolar disorder, dating and relationships: I have learnt, the hard way, that to be forgiving of others indiscretions, their aggressions, is a hugely worthwhile discipline. I am a fighter. After each break down, or set-back, I recrystallise, and attempt to rebuild relationships with family, lovers and friends, forge ahead with my work. I’ll never give up and for this I am proud of myself (it’s important to focus on such things when you have a guilt-sheet as long as your arm).

I have bipolar, will anyone ever love me? People fall in love with people with bipolar disorder every day. Seriously. I’ve seen them do it. People fall head-over-heels, emotional faceplant, birds-are-chiping in love with people with bipolar disorder.

Bipolar and relationships – Kerry’s story: Waking up on a Saturday morning, the sun beating it’s way through closed curtains. the smell of freshly cut grass from the park outside, and the man I love draping his arms around me. For most couples today means a picnic in the park, a day at the seaside or relaxing in the garden, but I just crawl back under the duvet, the familiar dread consuming me once again.

Love Rollercoaster: Dating with Bipolar Disorder: It’s easy to confuse love with mania — the trouble is that love is fleeting. There’s no cure for bipolar.

Bipolar Disorder: the guide to dating. “I know my bipolar disorder can be scary and I know it can make people leave and I’m always scared people will leave me because of it,” she said. “It has happened in the past that people have left me quoting the reason ‘bipolar.’”

How do you navigate the dating scene with bipolar: satire.

The dating game: Bipolar may up the ante in a new romance, but success still boils down to finding a good fit. A person that lives with Bipolar Disorder or Depression comes to learn loss intimately. It is a constant battle in our mind to try and avoid tearing our lives, loves, and friendships down to the foundation. No one is perfect. We will periodically lose that battle and burn bridges. It is an unavoidable fact of living with a mood disorder or mental illness.

Internet dating with bipolar disorder: not everyone needs to know about my disease.

Dating and mourning and bipolar:

8 tips for telling your partner a health secret (I wish they wouldn’t talk about confessing the fact that you’re bipolar, confession is for sins and crimes tyvm.)

When your dating profile includes mental illness

I have less than no clue what these are like.
Bipolar Dating Site
No Longer Lonely

Cracked had the following to say about the previous link.

Something about 9,000 bipolar/schizophrenics assembled on one dating site just seems like a problem waiting to happen. Don’t get us wrong, it would be more than awesome if scientists discovered that when two crazy people mated, each person’s crazy canceled out the other person’s crazy thus rendering both of them uncrazy. If that was the case, NoLongerLonely.com would be one big e-cure for mental illness.

Fuck you, Cracked.

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Here’s something a whole lot nicer.

For women who are ‘difficult’ to love. (Warsan Shire)

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn’t you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him travelling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do, love
split his head open?
you can’t make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

46 thoughts on “how to date a muggle – a user’s guide”

  1. That poem is very sad. Can we only be loved by someone else who is terrifying inside of their mind?
    Or are those too captured by their own terror to think outside of it enough to love us? But what about the ones that are completely unfamiliar with the demons?

    Maybe it is overthinking and we are simply seeking an individual , not a label of mentally ill, troubled, abused, depressed, or “normal” or whatever….

    The person that wants to love us will find a way….right? And it is true that we cannot make our home in another person but it is nice to feel at home with another person.

    There don’t seem to be any good answers. I think that hope and calmness will have to suffice. We have to prioritize our own sanity first, It is not worth risking our brains for another person, I have done it…put my sanity on the line for another person. It is not worth it and they leave anyway.

    Someone who really loves you does not ask for your sanity on a silver platter. It took me 49 years to learn that.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Blimey. You usually wreathed your nuggets of wisdom in mean, many, many words, but this one was all pure wisdom with a killer punchline. Bloody well said and thought provoking too.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nice of you to say :) Yeah my thinking faculties vary depending on my brain. You have gotten a little of everything in your comments section. Your blog is probably the only one I comment on when I am in certain states of mind, for the fear of coming off to crazy to someone else.

        What I am saying always makes some sort of sense in my head, but has a way of coming out differently at different times. I am glad this one came out clear.

        I can’t promise to that next time but I am confident you will get another like that sooner or later. Maybe I should cut and paste a copy of this so that I can keep it.

        Much love,
        Annie <3

        Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m feeling sad for myself, afraid I only have 1/2 wit, and my brain is wayyy too twisted to match anyone elses very well. I think there must be a three-quarter-twist to the right on one side, and a slow curve to the left on the other. It explains some things about my attempts at love. My wife deserves that sainthood my in-laws always talk about.

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          1. ikr, that’s “Hutch” trying his hand at singing, hell of a job if you ask me even if the thing oozed sappy as hell and the video was horrid. What can I say except, now you know I’m serious when I say I seriously love everything musical, ever. And you.

            Like

  2. “zomg whut don’t date a bipolarrr, or if you really must, get a rabies injection and a hazmat suit.”
    Someone’s offering needle play in a post-apocalyptic fantasy roleplay scene??? *wanders off in search of rope…*
    …Actually I fucking hate needle play but my heart was in the right place… in a jar, above the mantelpiece. Also the worst thing I saw on the internet about bipolar love was this:
    https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080728004634AAJAuJg
    http://ehealthforum.com/health/bipolar-and-love-t297225.html

    What gets me most is young people with bipolar who don’t know who they are or where they’re going in life are seeing this bullshit and starting to wonder if they are capable of feeling love. I’d like to stab whoever started this debate about whether we’re incapable of love (deflective narc’s, perchance?).

    When I feel more confident I’m reminded of the Marilyn quote about “if you can’t handle me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best.” When I don’t feel confident, I question why anyone would enter into a relationship where one partner needs “handling.” Then I overrule that and just go with it.
    Ick.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, you’re right all the way along there – I mean, people should take cognisance of bipolar and it’s needs, but the bipolar has to learn the muggle stuff too. But it’s a disease, not a personality disorder, so we do need some extra support.

      And your into made me lol my ass off.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yeah it’s definitely a “meet halfway” kind of thing where both partners need to learn about each other (what??? In a relationship??? Communication and compromise??????? NEVAH!!) and try to find a way of expressing emotion for one another without damaging one another or themselves.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Yeah but then we can only ever know (like, truly *know*) how we feel about someone else so sometimes I wonder if all love is unrequieted because it’s all one-sided. *looks all philosophical and stuff… dodges the rotten tomatoes*

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Zomg whut dont date a bipolarrr. Twelve hours later I am still chuckling. When you get around to writing your own Blahmoir will you please include an entire chapter of mimicry?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. SPEAKING of which, I cannot, I simply CANNOT BELIEVE I forgot to wish you a Happy Anal Pleasure Month! Jesus, that Seroquel is NUMBING my MIND along with my TOES! (p.s. I was notified of APM yesterday by a local store called Pure Pleasure – I think it really is a special month recognizing the “pleasures of the backdoor”. :0000 Tra la la, TMI?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. As if peole with bipolar aren’t, you know, unique. Or that people with a diagnosis don’t have their own shit. Every couple is bringing their own brand of crazy to the table, and it either fits and works, or it doesn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Borderline personality, ‎narcissistic personality, ‎histrionic personality disorder, psychopaths, sociopaths, schizoid personality disorders, avoidant, dependent, and anankastic personality disorders; and the greatest of these is Bipolar disorder. What would I rather be? the devil (pronounced divil – in an Irish lilty type of a way) I know, or the devil I don’t…… Seriously though we are not unlovable. We are not unworthy, unclean (here where’s the lepers bell – sorry lepers!!!), undeserving, or any other ‘un’ you can think of…. We are just different, unique, difficult, exhausting at times, demanding, but we are just as deserving of love than anyone else with ‘issues’. Show me someone who says they are completely sane, uncomplicated and straightforward and I’ll tell you they’re lying. Yes, we’re hard work, yes, we are exhausting, we are worrisome and a whole heap of other stuff, but we are not unlovable, or undeserving of love. Muggles who say otherwise can just fuck off now…. don’t wait… just go now…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think about it a lot from a depressive’s perspective. It’s not easy to be in a relationship with a depressive even if you have the best intentions. I don’t want to make people frustrated.

    Like

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