I said ANNUS you perverts, not anus. Can’t take you lot anywhere.
Blahpolar Diaries is a year old today, which means it’s wearing a onesie, disturbing my sleep and shitting its nappies round the clock. It also means I get to go all Sally Fields on your asses and make a gratuitously gushing speech, name drop and create that emotional single tear. Yup, one year one tear. One love. One heart. Let’s get together and feel alright.
*fans face like a starlet, grabs trophy from Kristin Scott Thomas* Oh! This is so punexpected! I don’t know what to say, but I’m going to spew words for two weeks anyway! First I’d like to thank Odin Allfather, without Whom none of this would be possible *gazes at ceiling, enthralled* thank You! Thank you Sean Penn for your direction and the cupcakes, thank you Johnny Depp for being my stunt double, thank you Portia and Ellen for all your support and friendship! I’m sorry, Ellen, it only happened once. A big hand please for the Cirque du Soleil for all the good times and Eddie Vedder (you know why, Ed). Finally, of course, merci Gandalf, I just wouldn’t be me if there wasn’t a you. Oops! Thanks to all the little people, for keeping things going so beautifully, not to mention cleaning the ashtrays. Oh fuck. Stephen Fry, you absolute sweetie, thank you for whatever it is you did, I forget. *looks around feet at all the dropped names, dashes away the single tear, one hand dramatically to breast throws some unused exclamation marks to the crowd and then begins the walk of fame back into the audience*
Erm, yes… Enough bollocks for now, blah. Thank you guys, for being my friends and support network and fellow travellers on the double decker suck bus™. 780 followers and 44k hits, haven’t you got anything better to do? #humblebrag. May the sporks be with you.
As you were, kids.