If you were a book

Maybe there’s a galaxy with a planet that’s just a little more tilted, with a sun that shines just a little bit darker, and that’s where I’m supposed to be, where it somehow makes sense to feel this broken. ― Amy Reed, Crazy

(I haven’t read the YA novel that the above quote is from, I just found it somewhere and liked it.)

I wondered how you guys are doing, out here on planet bipolar? And I was wondering whether you look at your life as if it were storyshaped, if it’d fit into a book? If you do, I wonder (let’s pretend there’s a magic wand here, rather than the blood, sweat and tears of creativity) whether your story would be a memoir or a novel? What genre of novel? How long? The magic wand, by the way, offers a choice of prescience or wish fulfilment, which allows me to ask you whether the ending would be happy, sad, or something else on that allegedly bipolar spectrum? Would you be the protagonist or the sidekick? If you could have any writer, living or dead, write your biography, who would you want to do it? If…


Okay, okay, I know that’s a whole heap of questions, but they fascinate me. See, once upon a time, a friend said to me, “I wish you’d stop seeing yourself as a work of fiction.” I was flattered. It’s one of those lines that swim around your mind forever, you know? They’re not always visible, but occasionally they surface and you get a pensive, faraway look in your eyes (see what I mean by storyshaped?) and they make more sense, or different sense along the way. Ageing has meant the extraction of my head from my nether regions, so I stopped seeing myself in a dramatically existentialist way and shifted towards prosaic existentialism. Now… well now I vacillate between wishing I’d done less sitting outside myself observing, and more living, and being grateful that dissociation was early on the learning curve. It doesn’t matter either way now. The remark floated along my mindscape for the first time in years today and my first reaction was sorrow, because the friend who said it is dead. And then I wonder if any/many of you had similar themes in your thoughtstreams.

It’s more than dissociation, isn’t it? It’s not simply the removal of the self to a safer place, with a changed perspective; it’s the shaping of that perspective into a daydream, in a way. So I guess I’m asking (as if there weren’t enough questions in this post already) whether you’re an documentary maker or a storyteller? What kind of film would they (good old ‘they’) make of your life, of you?

I should probably answer my own questions.

If I could put myself into an ideal situation, you know I’d want to be one of the Rohirrim, but I’m trying for some vague realism here.

I’d want a novel, because a memoir (or a documentary) would wind up being like one of the many Irish novels I avoid, full of pain, abuse and downtrodden people. It’d be entirely the wrong kind of grey, no matter how accurate it was. Actually I can answer a few of my own questions at once, by saying that my ideal would be for Juliann Garey to edit the money and flamboyance out of Too Bright To Hear Too Loud To See, change some pronouns and the job’s a good ‘un. The quotes I included in my post about it, pretty much say it all for me. A film would be pretty much the polar opposite, have you seen Three Colours: Blue? I’d be the part where Juliette Binoche just weeps and weeps and weeps and weeps. I’m rolling my eyes at myself. If I had zero choice in the matter, I’d probably be written and directed by the bastard lovechild of Monty Python and Salvador Dali.

I’ll change my mind about it all by tomorrow.

Enough blah.


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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

20 thoughts on “If you were a book”

  1. Bonjour. This is way too cerebral a task for me to accomplish atm. I’ve mentioned before that my life has not made space for reading adult books other than self-help..yuck…and since I mostly only read blog posts and children’s books I’ll say that Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein or Robert Munsch would have to write my biography. It’d be a mix of pummeled and powdered sarcasm and pain rolled around in hot sauce and dipped in dark chocolate and dulce de leche. Bonito día :)

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I have written it, it is a novel, where all my wishes that will never come true did, including my death and good ghosts. Something with the mood of Time Traveller’s Wife meets The Wasteland but with a Hollywood ending :)

    Liked by 6 people

  3. I would write a novel. Based on real emotions, some experiences, but that granted me an end that I do not think I could accomplish otherwise. And, as pretentious as it sounds, I would like to write it myself. Because it might prove quite beneficial to really ask myself how I’d like my life to end, if only it were as simple as “making it happen.”

    Liked by 5 people

  4. I would write a memoir. I think my childhood was unique growing up with a brother with severe cerebral palsy and its an issue that isn’t often talked about. I’ve always been interested in and open about sharing my story in hopes my story would inspire someone else who shares similar struggles. I had pretty much every odd against me succeeding, yet I’m about to move out of state to pursue my graduate studies with hopes of becoming a professor someday. I just want others to know its possible to have dreams come true in spite of troubles and seeming setbacks.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I suspect that everyone tells stories of their lives and they’re mostly fiction, sometimes horror, sometimes humor, but stories help us make sense of our lives. Based on the stereotypes of bipolar, though, I think of those books in the 50s that had 2 different novels in the same book, one beginning upside down at the end. That way, one could include 2 different versions!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I need to figure out what to write still. Who would read a book like that though? Secret Agent mysterious superhero aka Deon Mumple hiding in his secret bunker in an undisclosed location who never tells anyone anything truthful or practical, but tries to be interesting and encouraging… IDK

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I also don’t know how you do it, but you’ve disclosed something I’ve kept a very dark hidden secret about myself for many years: I am in fact the bastard lovechild of Salvador Dali and Monty Python. What the hell are you trying to do, expose my secret identities??

    Liked by 4 people

  8. I would quite honestly want to be a novel where bipolar was a non-issues, where I am fit and handsome, no wait a second, recovering from my recent health adventure I meet a handsome gay nurse who offers to care for me. He’s well read and charming and not the least bit concerned by my mental health history.

    In other words, my life would be pure fantasy. :D

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I’d write a fiction novel loosely based on my life. I want my story out there, but at the same time it’s easier to write it when it’s happening to someone else, thus the fictionalized version. Maybe we’d call the main character D instead of E ;)

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Awesome post! I’d like a novel that gets turned into a movie, a drama/comedy please. I wouldn’t mind if it was based on my actual life, but I want to be the casting director for sure! ;) G-uno

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Virginia Woolf circa To The Lighthouse era. Fractured consciousness…demented hummingbird mind…quick sweeps and rushes through time and the flaying and stripping of identity…then sudden pointillist Spots of Time, in glittering nostalgic detail. She could swing it. And maybe leavened with a Thomas Hardy bucolic romance ending in tears, betrayal, and bitter death.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. My mood changes often so I would have to either only work on the writing when I was in a certain mood or each chapter would end up being in a different mood.

    Chapter one – comedy… Chapter two – sorrowful… Chapter three – energetic and empowered… Chapter four – horror…Chapter five – self help…Chapter six – funny again

    At his moment I am feeling sorrowful and frightened of the dark parts of the human mind.

    We lost a blogger to suicide this morning. You can see the reblog of the announcement on my blog. It is sad and disturbing that a blogger’s voice has been silenced.
    We never really know the demons in someone’s mind.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I see it in two volumes. Boxed, like Proust. (;) Auntie Mame reference for ya)

    Novel, obviously. Bare bones biography would be a snooze. Put me in my favorite genre: sci-fi. Written by Asimov himself, cause I feel he always struck a great mix of adventure and narrative.

    The fim version could ONLY be done by Maya Deren, with current up to date bells and whistles.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I’ve written my novella, and have a contract to publish, which is exciting and nerve wracking simultaneously. It is the story of my DID told as the story of Amy and her descent into becoming secondary to her own fate. There’s a few chapters on my site :-) it was hard to write, I didn’t change the character of Eve at all from the woman I coexist with in this single player meatsuit and she wasn’t keen on her exploits being committed to paper (screen!). But it was therapeutic to get the story written. As for the ending… shan’t give it away ;-)


  15. I would like mine to be fiction based on some true stories. If Katherine Dunn the writer of Geek Love could do it for me that would be perfect. I’ve always seen myself as a “freak” of some sort and she has a way of making that relatable to everyone.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. As a Guy Ritchie movie! Eh, I’m probably a storyteller. I get this from my bio-father. He has a story of himself in his head and he doesn’t care if his deeds match it or not. Hopefully I’m more grounded but I prefer narratives to reports. Easier to remember.


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