a-z challenge: v

warning-sign-generatorTMI for anyone who is easily startled by me, vaginas, or me and vaginas. You have been warned etc etc.

In which the whole a-z thing gets completely out of hand, because V, my sweet, sexy and soulful readers, is for vagina. I’m a fricken lesbian, I am absolutely honour bound to do it. On more than one level. I’ll be excommunicated if I don’t.

Here is a song to get you in the right frame of mind.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Vagina

0b6071685e1c315f03345b1e6fcb47e7-1Vagina is not a rude word, it’s an anatomical term, but I’m not about to get into the biology of the organ or the etymology of the word. I’m not even going to get into gender until the slam poetry videos at the end. I might get into … eh nevermind. There’s no point offering you information that 10 seconds on Google will get you. Intellectual hypotheses and debate can gtfoh too – I’ve been a card and vagina carrying politicised human, woman, feminist, lesbian for a looong time; I have nothing to prove and I’m incredibly bored by the dialectic these days. If I started listing euphemisms I’d be here all week, so I’ll just talk about vaginas from the perspective of an owner driver. User. Connoisseur. Ahem, I’m sure you get the point. Songs will feature heavily (as usual).

Vaginas? I love ’em.

Let me introduce you to the funniest song in the world about the vagina. In fact, it’s possibly the funniest song in the history and future of songs everywhere. It’s not offensive and it is catchy – it’ll turn into an earworm, I can almost guarrantee it. I showed it to a mate of mine who is nearly 70 and she sang it all day afterwards.

See? Freaking hysterical. You’re welcome.

tumblr_mgag35s6B11r0xqxjo1_500-1

Next up from DJ ***** and the ******** is one of many, many, many covers of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box.

Lana Del Rey must’ve known that covering Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box” would elicit some sort of a response from Courtney Love, but none of us could’ve predicted that Love would actually be funny when she Tweeted LDR about it. “You do know the song is about my vagina right?” Love queried. “Next time you sing it, think about my vagina will you?” Wonder if LDR will be covering Nirvana’s other ode to Courtney’s genitals, “Moist Vagina,” any time soon? ({source})

Music makes me digress my ass right off – but I gotta say that I hate it that Courtney Love was funny there.

V-8Vagina! Hairless ones make me feel sorry for them. Hygiene products specifically for them must have been invented by someone with some sort of complex or syndrome that doesn’t bear thinking about. Vajazzling is the work of the devil and as for merkins … well let’s not go there. Feel free to google, mental floss is provided at the, uhm, entrance.

They just need to be clean, not fecking perfumed. A trim is good, anything more just ain’t my thing. Oh god this has turned into a total tmi. I’m sorry. They smell like the sea, they taste like heaven. I do not use the word in bed (don’t even ask, even I draw the line somewhere). Time to ctrl+alt+del out of this paragraph before

Hello and welcome to this fresh and well behaved paragraph. You’re looking fantastic and I’d like to thank you for making it this far into the V for Vagina edition. If you have a vagina, please never feel ashamed of it, if you don’t have one, there’s no need to be ashamed either. They’re lovely when they’re loved up, aren’t they? Ack, there goes another paragraph. There goes the neighbourhood … I’m leaving before I get thrown out.

tumblr_m8sndx2w7P1qjd5wfo1_1280-1

May your heart shaped boxes always be happy.

5fbc0ce99fe2501dd1c10660d82b4febIf you’re not interested in genderqueer genitalia, this is your cue to head off. If you’re phobic about it, don’t come back. Simples!

This is an astonishingly honest and very moving piece by a trans* person.

This one is for me; Alix Olson pretty much says it all In terms of having a cunt and being called sir.

({})

 

 

Advertisements

Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

51 thoughts on “a-z challenge: v”

      1. I extracted the pixie dust particles so Sass and I could snort them. The rest is all glitter and sequins. Or maybe the pixie dust is causing hallucinations.
        Damned gayeway drugs, I’ll be snorting boric acid next.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. At the risk of making a somewhat serious comment, I’m pleased to see such a loaded word discussed in such a frank and normal manner. I mean, people don’t get het up over the word penis nearly as much as the sacred vagina do they, no matter one’s preferences? Even my phone doesn’t recognise how to spell vagina!

    I read a good forum debate on what mothers told small children what the names for boy and girl parts were. Penis was the norm for boys but there was much fannying around (no pun intended!) with how to refer to a girl’s anatomy. It also led to a raging debate on vulva vs vagina. Which then led to quite a long debate and Google with DH on the correct terminology. This household is still divided on the subject by the way! How will I explain to a three year old the anatomical difference :D

    To end on a far less serious note, much chortling here at ‘owner driver’ – so simple and apt! Another entertaining post that also makes some very good points.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Also had NO CLUE that Heart Shaped Box was about that woman’s vagina. DH’s response was that it was disgusting given that it’s not the most appealing vagina in the world. But are we sure about this or is it CL and her usual bs? We are hoping for the latter!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I wish I’d been able to find an audio or video of Alex Olson’s Cunt Cuntry online. And tyvm. And my assumption is that vulva is the bits outside the vagina, which is the hole that isn’t the urethra. Aaaand I was also trying to include that bit of car sales terminology, only one old lady owner. Then I thought euw.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. True! We are just really gutted now that every time we hear that great song all that will spring to mind is her vagina. Not appealing to either DH or me although probably for different reasons! She’s up there with Kris Jenner for crass.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am such an open person – not an 8-mile-wide kinda person though – that this was a completely normal selection of words that you decided to invite to your vagina party. Truthfully, the transgender world is far from mine so that’s something that takes more effort and energy to process. Having a vagina and still being called sir or still being a “real woman” and not having a vagina – these are outside of my lived experience – but needs to be talked about so that heterosexuals like myself can understand.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Vagina party! Ahem. Cough. Let me address your comment properly now. The trans* and butch worlds are foreign to a looooooooooot of queers too – I’ve had a fair few girlfriends try to feminise me (it don’t work). This is why femmes and others who realllly are turned on by butch, are such amazing and rare beings. I’ve got a butterfly net in case any fly along while I’m staring at the sky. And (sigh) those genderfuck, genderqueer etc sort of things get talked about plenty, but scenes and worlds are too divisive and divided, and groups distrust each other. I’m rolling my eyes at myself now, because I could easily turn a discussion about tea into gender and identity politics. In fact, as I was typing it, I worked out how.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Within the trans* and genderqueer world you are still going to have a lot of division of opinion around all matters anatomical. But let me just say, it is easier to create a realistic vagina from a penis than to build a penis that adequately resembles the real thing. Consequently for male identified trans*/gender queer the breasts are usually the more significant anatomical feature that needs to be and can be addressed.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m gearing up to go facilitate a group of 9 vaginas* despite my “Nightmare from Elm Street”
    morning that drained almost all of the life force outta me. How I wish I could drag you along….and how I wish I could bring Lucy with me, but they don’t allow dogs there unless she’s a service dog, I imagine.

    Haven’t had a chance to read every word of this post, but believe me, I will. First thing that comes to mind is Eve Ensler, whose work I’ve loved for years, even before her hit “Vagina Monologues”. In yet another weird ironic twist in my life, I was in a lot of high school classes with her former daughter-in-law Shiva Rose. Just silly f.y.i. I ramble.

    Back later!

    * my support group for women with mood disorders

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t therapy dogs and emotional support dogs get the same privileges? You could register Lucy yourself – http://usdogregistry.org

      You are such a name dropper – mimd you, with your string of names, it’s good that you drop some ;D I’ve only ever read the v monologues, which I enjoyed very much.

      Enjoy your vaginas – fear not, I knew who you meant right away.

      Hugs my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. There’s so many comments…So I think I shall start with: HALLELFUCKINGLUJER for just saying vagina. I am reminded of “Varsity Blues” PENIS PENIS PENIS, VAGINA, VAGINA, VAGINA” Now, I am saddened that the plural of penis is PENI, not PENISES in my dictionary, so why cant we have VAGINI instead of VAGINAS? It sounds like VAGINAS are going to have MARGARITAS, and IDK about YOU, but I don’t like margartitas, and I don’t want my vagina to enjoy them either.

    ABSOLUTELY NOT ON THE VAJAZZELING UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES. I will choose death my cake before I do THAT.

    I shave because I was tired of a pube-hawk. It’s fucking embarrassing as all get out to explain THAT one.

    Whether “Heart Shaped Box” is IN FACT about CL vagina or not, even I knew it was not about Disneyland.

    I love everyone-Male, Female, in transition, doesn’t matter. We are all people, and I take the fucking time to look at the people before I judge them based on their voice or look. Love is Love, and that’s really all that matters, IMO.

    As far as the snorting of pixie dust, I can neither confirm nor deny. I DID snort my coffee this morning, so it’s open to interpretation.

    Mine is also named. So there’s even more TMI to your post and comments…and Sass OUTTIE!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In the process of finding out wtf a pube-hawk is, I also learned that they’re proscribed by Islam. Now that’s a sensible edict if ever I heard one. Vagini? My autocorrect wants to turn that into vaginitis. Oh dear. I love margaritas btw, though I’ve always applied them orally, not vaginally. I tend to think champagne is by far the better option. I may end up hating myself, but I have to ask anyway – what is it’s name? Also, wtf is death my cake?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It was meant to say “Death BY Cake”. And Charlotte. I can’t say that I’ve applied Champagne…who are we kidding-I’ve never douched with Kristal. I shall pass on vaginitis-that just sounds awful. I saw a definition mentioning falconry. Interesting….I guess I follow the laws of Islam, unintentionally of course

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Love the Storm Large video! Great melody and lyrics – she has an amazing voice. I got her “Crazy Enough” memoir from the library and I really enjoyed it.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Her mom, actually, was the crazy one – she had severe bipolar and schizophrenia and was institutionalized & passed away. :( Storm only wrote about her mother after her death.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. When I was little, vagina was treated like a bad word in our house – as in “Moooooom, Jamie said vagina!” Now I only use the word with my doctor. There are many, prettier words for other uses.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am a huge fan of the truth, it’s just so damn courageous! It gets me into a lot of trouble personally, but I’m also a huge fan of making mistakes that ultimately shape me into a better human being. ;) G-uno

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Damn! Love it. I mean your blog. Love my wife too, and those all-too-rare encounters we have. God, she’s beautiful. I’d have chosen a different word, but that’s just me. Variety, Verklempt (is that a real word?), Vanity. I’ll have to put the headphones on to listen to these I guess. Am I gonna go “ewww” anyplace here? And then maybe try to check in with my wife… ;-) It WAS TMI, but a worthy tribute. Where can I get some mental floss for after listening to these videos? I won’t allow the thought police to throw you out. Shaving/cropping? Don’t bother. Vajazzling? WTF is wrong with people? I mean, what will they think of next? No thank you. Unless the little gems are made of candy. And they pay me for the idea. Vajazzling…smh. Hence, my choice of the word “vanity.” There’s no need to dress it up. And that’s what I’ll tell my wife. “No need to dress it up at all. So, just don’t!” I gotta go, I’m getting verklempt just thinking about it. “Talk amongst yourselves!”

    Like

comment or the dragon will toast you

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s