I really do work at it.

Last night I wasn’t planning to stay awake for the exact hour … but I did. It was alright on the whole. Three different people in three different countries told me they’d lit a candle for my mother – I was really touched; it caught me totally by surpise too. I listened to Richard Ashcroft and then some French trance, I chatted to a few friends. It only got lonely half an hour before the hour and perhaps that was good.

I must’ve pinned half the internet on Pinterest. I couldn’t focus on reading or writing, so the displacement activity was good looking images and interesting words. To add to the surreal factor, for the last couple of days, the internet has been going down every few minutes briefly. That’s not an exaggeration, I really wish it was. Given the fact that the mast is over theeeeere on a hill in some dune forest and there are no satellites overhead aaand they only installed a local adsl exchange last year, plenty of this village still use that mast and today, everyone was having issues. We don’t phone a call centre, we phone the father or son. Sometimes both.

Issues … blah blah … internet … blah.
Hmm, okay I’ve checked my side and everything’s fine.
I’ve rebooted, unplugged, checked the thingy on my roof …
Hmm. Eveything looks fine here, let me check the line. That’s fine too.
Alright I’ll reboot the server this side, let me know if there’s any improvement.
There is no improvement.
Ok I’ll check the line.

Blather, wince, defeat.


A very small price to pay, however, for being able to haul my tired ass and my dog to the beach first thing this morning. Being bashed about by lively and rather chilly waves sorts a whole lot of stuff out. I had coffee with my neighbour, I ate healthy stuff, I washed dishes, I did laundry. Every time I paused, agitation climbed into my mind and played castanets, so I kept going. Towards evening, I did a couple of minor jobs in the garden and then wandered around with my phone, photographing what I suspect was the finest sunset this summer.

It grew dark and Thor began to fling Mjölnir around and there was an unusually wild storm for this area. Four hours later and it’s still raining – we are always grateful for it. I watched Good Will Hunting and then Catch 22. I’d forgotten that part of Catch 22’s denouement is a truly startling bit of heartbreaking gore. It jolted me, but it was also interesting (the jolting).

Conflict woman whatsapped me, asking questions I will look at tomorrow. Sigh. An old friend, but not a good one. The other one is all fine again now – an old enough and close enough friendship to withstand the occasional growl.

I managed to upload a stack of photos to fb, by leaving the phone alone. Disconnect, reconnect, disconnect, reconnect … but eventually there’s enough of a gap to allow stuff through.

I can’t seem to stop the jaw clenching and I think my blood has been sneakily replaced with battery acid, but I think I got through it okay. Thank goodness for my friends, my dog and my environment. Also – chocolate. I am tired and wired, and both immensely sad and extremely grateful. The tremor’s annoying as hell at the moment. Eh, no … I am not going to whine.

How are you? You’re looking great for someone who … oh wait, I probably shouldn’t mention that in public.


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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

21 thoughts on “24022015”

  1. Glad to hear you have made it through the dark night.

    How am I? I was just relieved of 2 Tbsp of blood in hopes that we will find a key to the fatigue. But good news! LTD was approved despite lack of info from my psych. I may need an independent review but the assessment at the hospital that is ongoing might be enough.

    Meanwhile I am so damn exhausted. I went to a dance on Saturday (yes, for the “mature” queer crowd… YMCA anyone?). I had a blast, felt great till I got home and have been even more exhausted ever since. I need a few naps to get through the day.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Aww, thank you for the compliment. For someone who is still very depressed? I am glad you made it through, sounds like you did very well for someone who, and that makes me very very happy!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So pleased for you…that you got through it, the way you did. Interesting about Pinterest…hadn’t thought about it before, but it *is* very good for distraction when I don’t feel up to much else.

    Silly me, you’d mentioned going out with the dog, then Thor & Mjolnir…for a brief moment I thought: “How cool, a dog named Thor…and is Mjolnir its Frisbee?”…then it clicked.

    Oh dear…time to head for bed & my library book (Ruth Rendell). Take care, my dear. Will light a candle for your mum, too. Bright blessings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I admire your strength. Sounds like you did all the right stuff today. I would send you some virtual guavas but you already have a guava tree in your yard ;)

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lol my therapist told me I looked great today, too. I said “well that’s surprising because I haven’t washed my face in three days and I’m in a horrible mood” and that’s how today was.

    but it sounds like you made it through your tough day, and February is blowing away, thang god.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Had you on my mind, and I kept up your blog screen up first on my Kindle the whole day; please forgive me for not posting until now. Not that it’s a good excuse, but I had a sick child at home draining me & distracting me….

    That’s so beautiful that people lit candle’s in your Mom’s memory.
    Chiming in with the others, you did very, very well getting through D day.

    Good luck with Conflictwoman, and I hope the jaw clenching and tremors are a LOT less today.
    much love, big hugs, XOXOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s totally fine – I knew you were out there and I know you care :) I went for a sea swim again this morning and am doing lots better as a result. Conflictwoman just received an uncomplimentary (yet complementary) downgrade to conflictbitch and earned herself an icy silence. I should probably post about it actually … therapy and venting.

      I hope you’re ok – your blog only dominates my screen on Fridays ;)


      Liked by 1 person

  7. You made me laugh with “Conflictbitch” – I’m stealing that one.
    You should post about that! What else are blogs for but therapy and venting???
    Thanks for understanding and not being peevish!

    I’m blah…nothing terrible going on (I’m scared to even write that)
    of course there’s assorted stuff going on. The fun never ends. This Friday I plan to be on your screen, dominating away, ha ha! I’ll be flipping out about the support group thing I’m starting on Saturday.

    For someone with severe social anxiety, it will be interesting to see how I do talking in front of 14 women (at least 2 of them are friends & one acquaintance will be there, but the others will be brand-new to me & I get anxious in front of anything, even the toilet.) They have mood disorders of all flavors.

    Wish I could bring Lucy, but she’d go off barking and jumping at them!!! So think good thoughts for me pretty please with chocolate on top. Hope it’s sunny, or else I need to change to the outdoor location and clean my filthy, tiny home with awful parking so we can meet here instead. Ugh.

    Blah blah blah.
    Hope you write that vent post! I want to know more. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re not blah. I’m blah. *staples trademark and copyright symbols on in superscript* you can help yourself to conflictbitch tho – both word and woman. And ja you’re right, I will blog about it. Hope the support group goes well. And teach Lucy not to do that. Doesn’t matter what age she is (and you are), she will still learn (and so will you). Hehehhh … ahem … *ducks*

      But … sometimes you need your dog. It’s good when they learn you can leave them somewhere (car, another rm etc) while you’re out and busy and when you can have them close, not to jump etc etc. And Lucy is beeeyoootiful.

      Liked by 1 person

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