saturday with sisyphus

Ugh. Today I love my dog and hate myself.

4am

Four ay em again … I got too wired and overtired to sleep at all. I can hear the rain falling on my tin roof and trickling into my rainwater tank. My sweet dog has her head tucked into my hip and is snoring gently beside me. There is always some beauty somewhere, even when you can’t even see the stars through the clouds.

I need to sort the anger issues out and I don’t want to, my usual strategy is to sleep on it – ha. Actually I haven’t been thinking about the conflict much; I always flee it if possible. I loathe confrontations and despise carefrontations. I’ll tackle them when I’ve had time to unwind my jangling nerves. One thing enraged me, the other irritated me. I’ve known one of the people I’d like to smack with a fish, since 2006, the other since 2001 or 2. Neither of them have the link to this blog, but I’m still loath to explain the details.

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6.30am

Two and a half hours sleep before my dog woke me. I’m glad she does her morning thing, it makes early mornings very much a part of that routine my shrink always asks about. It isn’t raining anymore, grey skies and wet grass out there.

I’ve just scanned my tired mind to see if I’m any further re addressing the shit that angered me last night, but I’m not yet. And I am so done with reacting emotionally; when I can avoid that, I will.

If this fucking bipolar depression lasts another few months it’ll be two freaking years old. And I work hard at doing the right things to tackle it. Right now, there’s not much I can do beyond ‘maintain an even strain’ and see what my shrink has to say. And my lovely dog will continue to ensure that suicidal impulses don’t become intentions. I’ve never been so sodding sensible for so long in my life.

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That’s just bs about Dylan.

11.40am

Today is in the kind of pieces that are utterly impossible to piece together. My dog doesn’t always lie so close to me during the day; she’s got her head nestled into my side. I could sit here forever with her. It’ll be a sensible day, however, no matter how strong the urge to shove my head under a duvet. I’ve walked, had a natter with my neighbour over the fence. That’s all so far. My stomach is letting me know it’d quite like some food sometime soon. I still can’t focus on reading.
My guava tree is beginning to piss the poison pygmy off, by flourishing too close to the fence line for her liking. There’s a milkwood beside it that’ll join in soon. I’m going to grow things to block the house to my right too. Stage one is a bottlebrush that is already a decent size.

I think perhaps I have learned the difference between situational depression and the melancholic bipolar flavour. When it’s situational, I’m still able to wish, dream, and think of things that’d cheer me up. When it’s the bipolar raincloud, I don’t enjoy a thing and cannot think of anything that I would enjoy. And there are no dreams and the only wish is for oblivion.

Ohhh blah blah fucking blah. I had a thought I jotted down at the end of this earlier.

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Does anyone know whether Kay Redfield Jamison took the title for her book Touched with Fire from the following quote?

Through our great good fortune, in our youth our hearts were touched with fire. (Oliver Wendell Holmes Jnr)

I’m just free associating: touched with fire, to Prometheus the fire thief chained to a rock, to Sisyphus rolling his rock uphill. The rock, of course, in this little mind wander, symbolises grief and ill health and so forth.

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Sisyphus Syndrome
A term referring to the mindset typical of a stress-driven ‘type A’ person (e.g., doctors) who obtains little to no self-recognition or gratification from accomplishing the difficult goals he/she places upon himself/herself.
Segen’s Medical Dictionary. © 2012 Farlex, Inc. All rights reserved.

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Sisyphus was eventually rescued by Hercules; as far as I know, Prometheus is still chained to that rock, having his liver pecked out daily.

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

21 thoughts on “saturday with sisyphus”

  1. Sorry the clouds are still pissing on you. Only one more week left in February if that helps. That is some frickin’ hot Prometheus, poor guy. Cheered me up as long as I don’t think about his fate.

    Keep loving that dog. She knows you’re hurting.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have to say that when I feel that bad it’s better to sleep through those infernos. I am doing that today with my 2 cats. Dark chocolate with 70% cocoa is good for the brain, try it if you like it, ( I hate it but sometimes I have no choice) It’s like in Harry Potter, it helps to keep the Dementors outside…
    A big kiss to your dog! We’re here, don’t forget that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The dog can sense your mood. I know you are not feeling well right now but… being awake at night, listening to rain, with a dog snoring next to you, that sounds very therapeutic to me. Carefrontation is a great word, too. Hugs and you’ll get a care package soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks loads bud – I’m glad you and I have each other to understand and talk. I’ve always disliked the word carefrontation, though I totally see it’s purpose. Just don’t like the sound it makes.

      Like

      1. Ha ha oops “investigating,” but you’re welcome. I was curious too. And I don’t think I’d realized til you posted this that she had written the book; and I don’t think I have read it so here go I to the interlibrary loan. I will find out if my memory is crap (er, if this will be further proof) once I start reading it. :D How are you since 11:40? Any lighter?

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s nothing to do with the quote I blogged, and I am not a Jung fan, but I stumbled across this and found it interesting.

          “The artist’s life cannot be otherwise than full of conflicts, for two forces are at war within him [or her]—on the one hand, the common human longing for happiness, satisfaction and security in life, and on the other a ruthless passion for creation which may go so far as to override every personal desire … There are hardly any exceptions to the rule that a person must pay dearly for the divine gift of creative fire.”
          Carl Jung

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Awesome :) Thank you! (all of a sudden the song “Jung Love …” comes to mind, you know, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pU_8D5jBqd0

            I was able to reserve the 2nd KRJ book at the library so as soon as it’s available I will get it. My creativity is suffering so bad right now :( I decided yesterday, I’m going to work on my novel from 9-12 daily Mon to Fri. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right :( So sad, to want, to need to do something and just not be able … and I am really frustrated today about my pastor not getting it, I am ready to make another appt and read him the riot act (speaking of this post having nothing to do w/ anything lol)

            Liked by 1 person

  4. Dogs can sense when we need a warm body close to us. I got home yesterday after being away from my dog for days for surgery, and after he got over his excitement and jumping, he napped on me all night (I lost my job and was very upset) (he usually gets wound up and chases one or both cats all night).

    I feel like Sisyphus. I will keep on trying the thing. Or find a shortcut up or around the mountain. Or something.

    Depression is fucking nasty to deal with. I am sorry you are in its sprawling web. I am bleak right now and don’t have much of anything to offer except let your dog cuddle you. Keep in touch with your psychiatrist. Keep taking meds. You know the drill and drone and blahhhh of it all.

    Like

  5. I just wanted to mention how jealous I am that you have a guava tree in your yard. Do you eat them plain, au naturel, or in a dessert. Is there such thing as guava pie?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Lots of good stuff in here..

    Find recipes… for when feeling better – I don’t ever really think about feeling better when making these lists… I’ve been making them for forever. hmmm. so single minded…

    don’t listen to Dylan… then you said that’s BS about Dylan… ??? yeah, I didn’t listen to country music for like a year because I just couldn’t. No BS.

    I haven’t heard “slap someone with a fish” in sooo long I laughed out loud.

    I love fairy lights :) faires in general are just awesome :)

    I don’t know… just a lot of really great things in here. I want to keep it and come back here – lots.

    Was thinking about you today while I was writing my last post. …………. fucking disease, huh? It’s just a disease, right? We got this bitch! I know we do! *nodding*

    Liked by 1 person

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