I’m just emptying my head again/more … blah blah whine blah pullyourself together blah blah blahhh …
Urghhhhh … that sorrow that bleeds into anger that bleeds into sorrow. I’ve never been any good at getting through that intact. The way I live means that at least I don’t do any collateral damage these days. I don’t know how to be stable through it though.
Today began simply – sad as hell and that ache you get in your throat when you can’t express it. I had a sensible day, like the one I had a couple of days back. I maintained the healthy routine, took the dog for a walk, did some chores, had coffee with a friend, swallowed my pills … yadda yadda. And my mind felt as though it splintered. Spikes of anger, followed by those unshed tears that build up till you have to grind your teeth to choke them back.
I have a couple of genuine reasons to be angry today. I wish I didn’t.
I spent a lot of time outside and I will again later tonight. Orion, the Southern Cross and the Milky Way are always there, constant. Sitting on my front steps staring at the sky is an irregular, but frequent habit. Today in the sunshine, I kept catching myself with my head in my hands, my hands holding on hard, rather like claws. Nobody plans to put their head in their hands, do they? It happens and at some point you notice it. It’s a fairly useful way to calibrate your misery.
I have a horde of reasons to be sad, but don’t we all?
Teeth alternatively gritted and grinding, I fought to get through the day. I was glad when I got an email notification from my shrink, then disappointed. For some unknown reason, my email refused to be displayed. I double checked it was plain text, took off the file I’d sent her and fired it off again. She will answer next week sometime, and at some stage, the practice will phone me and let me know when my appointment is. It’ll be in March, unless I get someone’s cancellation slot. She’ll give good advice in the meantime, just got to hold fast a little longer.
I have a good amount of things to be grateful for.
Nextofkin is still struggling too, of course. We are both dealing with our own troubles, as well as the shared stuff. It’s natural, it’s logical and there’s no way around it. There are things, that unless you go through them, will dog you forever, nipping at your heels till you face it.
I have one reason to live, and one is enough.
Eh … I don’t have any other conclusions to reach, I just needed to write it all down.
I vented my spleen in an fb post to my very limited close friends list. I shouldn’t have. Too much snarling on my part. I’m gonna delete the mofo. They’ll all have read it and commented (I have truly beautiful friends), I just don’t want to see it anymore (the post, I mean).
I’m dizzy. I’m so tired of weeping alone. I’m tired.
Blah blah blah whatever. Que sera and c’est la vie and la la la la life goes on, innit?
i’m right there with you, i know those feelings inside out.
big hugs!
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:(
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No way to “like” this post. (what sense does does it make to like a post where someone is in pain?) I do understand and hope that a tiny bit of catharsis was achieved in the composition.
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Since the Like is the only button available there to even let the other know u read their post but may not be able to leave a comment, sometimes it is used. For me the like I click is to encourage my suffering friend to keep on and write on, so we even hug each other virtually.
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I found this poem accidentally and I was shocked that someone as great as Pablo Neruda also thought about lemons and flowers or lemon-scented flowers…fucking awesome…enjoy…I’m holding a glass of cold lemonade and make a toast to you and your return to wellness.
Out of lemon flowers
loosed
on the moonlight, love’s
lashed and insatiable
essences,
sodden with fragrance,
the lemon tree’s yellow
emerges,
the lemons
move down
from the tree’s planetarium
Delicate merchandise!
The harbors are big with it-
bazaars
for the light and the
barbarous gold.
We open
the halves
of a miracle,
and a clotting of acids
brims
into the starry
divisions:
creation’s
original juices,
irreducible, changeless,
alive:
so the freshness lives on
in a lemon,
in the sweet-smelling house of the rind,
the proportions, arcane and acerb.
Cutting the lemon
the knife
leaves a little cathedral:
alcoves unguessed by the eye
that open acidulous glass
to the light; topazes
riding the droplets,
altars,
aromatic facades.
So, while the hand
holds the cut of the lemon,
half a world
on a trencher,
the gold of the universe
wells
to your touch:
a cup yellow
with miracles,
a breast and a nipple
perfuming the earth;
a flashing made fruitage,
the diminutive fire of a planet.
-Pablo Neruda
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Ode to My Socks
by Pablo Neruda
Mara Mori brought me
a pair of socks
which she knitted herself
with her sheepherder’s hands,
two socks as soft as rabbits.
I slipped my feet into them
as if they were two cases
knitted with threads of twilight and goatskin,
Violent socks,
my feet were two fish made of wool,
two long sharks
sea blue, shot through
by one golden thread,
two immense blackbirds,
two cannons,
my feet were honored in this way
by these heavenly socks.
They were so handsome for the first time
my feet seemed to me unacceptable
like two decrepit firemen,
firemen unworthy of that woven fire,
of those glowing socks.
Nevertheless, I resisted the sharp temptation
to save them somewhere as schoolboys
keep fireflies,
as learned men collect
sacred texts,
I resisted the mad impulse to put them
in a golden cage and each day give them
birdseed and pieces of pink melon.
Like explorers in the jungle
who hand over the very rare green deer
to the spit and eat it with remorse,
I stretched out my feet and pulled on
the magnificent socks and then my shoes.
The moral of my ode is this:
beauty is twice beauty
and what is good is doubly good
when it is a matter of two socks
made of wool in winter.
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Omg, this is so amazing. If I were a poet this is EXACTLY how I would write. He sounds as beautifully fucked up as me, lol. An Ode to Socks – Brilliant :)
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Neruda is very interesting – I don’t know how much you know about him, so apologies if I’m telling you things you already know. This links to a brief overview of his life, plus 141 poems.
http://m.poemhunter.com/pablo-neruda/
I’m assuming you’ve seen il Postino?
I’m glad you’re a fan, I am too. I was fortunate enough to have a mother who casually handed me all sorts of books from an early age – and a volume of Neruda’s poetry was one.
She visited his house in Valparaiso and returned with an ad for a local business called Neruda Shoes.
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I haven’t googled – I’m guessing from the rhythm that it’s the poem that’s called ‘Tonight I can write the saddest lines’ in English?
I like hearing stuff in it’s original language – even if I don’t understand a word, it’s still an extremely interesting experience.
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The title here on Youtube means “If you forget me”.
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Haha I was totally wrong – love that poem too.
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You’re allowed to be wrong y’know. Like, atleast 3x a year.
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No, I meant you’re allowed to be wrong atleast once a year…3x tops lol
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Rofl being wrong is failing forwards if we do it right :)
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Kidding…nice one. I like that :) What I wanna know is if your emoticons are a correct representation of your facial expressions as you comment?
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When I use emoticons, um … no they pretty much never reflect my actual facial expressions.
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Thanks for your honesty. It’s a kindness on your part to give people smiles…even if you’re not actually smiling. I’ve usurped your comments section lately. You don’t have to be polite;)
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You changed your name! What does it mean?
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Yes! I changed my name because the old one didn’t suit me anymore. The new one means, and you might laugh at this one, but “deliciously attractive woman” (in the curvy sense) haha. Hey one has to do what makes one feel better.
One reader of my blog suggested I change my name to edify me and one that shows my value. Lol.
What’s wrong with wanting to feel sexy and attractive? Anyway I told her I already know that I’m smart and creative. What I haven’t been feeling lately is physically attractive. So I changed my persona.
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I have seen that movie, ages ago, but didn’t remember the Neruda connection. Thanks for the link. I know almost nothing about him actually. But I am inspired to read more of his poetry.
I love his sensory and tactile imagery. It’s a very Latino way to live actually – passion and sensuality.
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I think my favourite of his odes, is Ode to the Sea.
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Just read it. He definitely has a way with words. This one seems more political.
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Love you.
p.s. I just bought 7 lottery tix in the hopes that I win enough to buy your hot tub!
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Did we win? Can we go to Tahiti?
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Tonight at 8:00 is when they pick…I’m going to make a shrine for the tickets and pray my ass off, agnostically of course! Will keep you posted!
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Oh cool, I’ll … eh … atheists can’t pray so … I’ll read some physics in a really solemn voice.
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You and Dyane are a riot!
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;) agnostic, not atheist – can’t ags pray? I been told by a fellow ag (former Catholic) that we can!
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I’m the atheist, you’re the agnostic :) (and you can do whatever you want).
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Ah yes, clawing at own head, I do recognize that.
Never heard of Neruda but after reading these comments I am already reading his poems :D
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So glad you like Neruda. So sorry you claw too.
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