I’m just emptying my head again/more … blah blah whine blah pullyourself together blah blah blahhh …
Urghhhhh … that sorrow that bleeds into anger that bleeds into sorrow. I’ve never been any good at getting through that intact. The way I live means that at least I don’t do any collateral damage these days. I don’t know how to be stable through it though.
Today began simply – sad as hell and that ache you get in your throat when you can’t express it. I had a sensible day, like the one I had a couple of days back. I maintained the healthy routine, took the dog for a walk, did some chores, had coffee with a friend, swallowed my pills … yadda yadda. And my mind felt as though it splintered. Spikes of anger, followed by those unshed tears that build up till you have to grind your teeth to choke them back.
I have a couple of genuine reasons to be angry today. I wish I didn’t.
I spent a lot of time outside and I will again later tonight. Orion, the Southern Cross and the Milky Way are always there, constant. Sitting on my front steps staring at the sky is an irregular, but frequent habit. Today in the sunshine, I kept catching myself with my head in my hands, my hands holding on hard, rather like claws. Nobody plans to put their head in their hands, do they? It happens and at some point you notice it. It’s a fairly useful way to calibrate your misery.
I have a horde of reasons to be sad, but don’t we all?
Teeth alternatively gritted and grinding, I fought to get through the day. I was glad when I got an email notification from my shrink, then disappointed. For some unknown reason, my email refused to be displayed. I double checked it was plain text, took off the file I’d sent her and fired it off again. She will answer next week sometime, and at some stage, the practice will phone me and let me know when my appointment is. It’ll be in March, unless I get someone’s cancellation slot. She’ll give good advice in the meantime, just got to hold fast a little longer.
I have a good amount of things to be grateful for.
Nextofkin is still struggling too, of course. We are both dealing with our own troubles, as well as the shared stuff. It’s natural, it’s logical and there’s no way around it. There are things, that unless you go through them, will dog you forever, nipping at your heels till you face it.
I have one reason to live, and one is enough.
Eh … I don’t have any other conclusions to reach, I just needed to write it all down.
I vented my spleen in an fb post to my very limited close friends list. I shouldn’t have. Too much snarling on my part. I’m gonna delete the mofo. They’ll all have read it and commented (I have truly beautiful friends), I just don’t want to see it anymore (the post, I mean).
I’m dizzy. I’m so tired of weeping alone. I’m tired.
Blah blah blah whatever. Que sera and c’est la vie and la la la la life goes on, innit?