31 days of bipolar: 2

Me me meme.


2. What is your baseline mood/state? How does that impact your life?

It is, I am not proud to admit, depression.

The impact is probably obvious, so I’ll try to find some less obvious and even positive things.

I’m quite good at depression; it gets to a pretty serious level before I even notice it much. I know the difference between suicidal ideation and intention. Because it’s always been my default state, by the time someone finally said hmmmm … bipolar … I’d already gone through that whole bs of thinking I could stop taking meds, so I’m sweetly meds compliant now. I’d like to think it has made me compassionate towards sad people. And of course, I’m a walking encyclopaedia of info on antidepressants and so forth.


Because I’ve always, always spent most of my life wishing I were dead, I’m (too) good at living in the now. I’m self aware to the point of being extremely tedious. I think too much. It took too long to realise that although I did need to get out of my head, there were healthier ways to do it than those I employed.

It makes things tough for people who love me. It makes the question how are you fraught with overthought obstacles for me. I miss such a lot, because I either can’t be arsed to go anywhere, or don’t enjoy it when I do. It means I haven’t got a clue what euthymia means. It makes me so bored with myself. It makes me think well, it’s all been more shit than shine for the past 40 odd years, what’s the point and who cares and … all of those adolescent emo things. I hide and isolate; good things have always come with mania and dire consequences. No, not always – the very existence of the people I love is testament to that. And books and music. Lots. See, positives.

Every time I open my mouth about it, I worry people will think I’m fishing for sympathy, or expecting them to solve it. A large part of why I needed this blog, was to have a place where I could puke it all out without those fears.


And now that I am aware of it all, mania isn’t fun anymore, so that’s no longer a relief. Right now I seem to be shifting from depression to mixed again. Kill me nao.


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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

20 thoughts on “31 days of bipolar: 2”

  1. Good “morning.” (is it evening there?) So explain mixed if you would.

    I’ve had that feeling of wishing I were dead since a child too. Pitiful. I can EASILY come up with positives, a gratitude list, all that … but that feeling stays regardless.

    Well aren’t I a barrel of laughs this morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 3.32pm :)

      In this case, if it’s a mixed episode, it’s largely agitated depression. Here’s a better definition:

      “A mixed episode of bipolar disorder features symptoms of both mania or hypomania and depression. Common signs of a mixed episode include depression combined with agitation, irritability, anxiety, insomnia, distractibility, and racing thoughts.”

      I know what you mean – I run through my gratitude often. Oh well.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m really glad I asked (thank you) – I guess what I was thinking it was was “rapid cycling” which is a whole nother animal.

        so what are you doing for excitement (?) today.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Rapid cycling means more than 4 episodes a year.

          Well I’ve been into town already so that’s the excitement with – thank fuck – and now I am reading and breathing and waiting for the agitation and anxiety to calm a little. You?

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I woke up around 8 and still nursing the coffee lol.. no great plans. I am around a minus 2 I guess depression wise so that is not bad. Anxiety meh is pretty much always there, about a plus 2 unless I am around people then it goes wayyy up. I am basically an introvert anyway, my chief aim and end in life is to keep calm and do nothing. (have you ever taken the MMPI personality test? antiquated but some useful info). I will be happy if I accomplish nothing but sit on my butt and if that exhausts me I will take a nap lol. That’s not exactly true, I would be happy if I could live and function even half as well as I used to but I am trying to make for a happy life. OH and maybe if I get real ambitious I will work on that novel I am pretending to write, I have about 12k words so far but it is all in disconnected pieces of scenes/dialogue etc.

            Liked by 1 person

            1. 12k words is not pretence, it’s a good start. Your plans for the day sound like mine for tomorrow (minus the novel, since I’m not writing one). Nope, haven’t done the mmpi test and if it’s long I won’t be doing it anytime soon either. My concentration span makes dragonflies and goldfish look like professors.


              1. There’s a shorthand version, I just went looking for it and apparently there are copyright concerns so what was freely available is no longer. It basically verifies what we know about our own selves anyway, altho I had fun doing it (I did the first one back in 90 and subsequent ones did show my personality changing over time… um, not nec. a bad thing lol)

                Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve struggled with the “wish I was dead” thoughts since my teen years, so I feel you. I am OCD as well as Bipolar, and one of my obsessions when Im depressed is suicide. I experience mixed episodes too, and they suck! One of the things I love about the blog world is that I can talk about my issues without scaring people or making them feel sorry for me.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Another way to describe mixed state is feeling like something else is inside of you controlling your thoughts and actions. That’s not as clinical as what you mentioned, but that’s how it feels when I’m going through it.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Interesting comments re mixed state. Would it make sense to say that with my mixed mood mellowing, I am missing the energy of the agitation? Sounds perverse I know but I find myself inclined to sleeping and munching on junk food and I find it hard to see that as an improvement.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You don’t deserve this shit, dammit!!!!

    I just got a flashback that doesn’t have much to do with this post; please forgive me for a case of the literary runs….I want to share anyway! In the 1980’s my Dad’s shrink at UCLA had him do sleep deprivation to lift his bipolar depression. I think it worked, but I’m not 100%. If I do that, I become manic, so it’s not an option.

    Why can’t these doctors and research institutions, with the millions of dollars worth of donations I keep hearing about, figure out a cure or at least way better meds?

    Ketamine sounded kind of cool but how accessible/effective is it to the masses? I don’t know.
    Anyway, just hoping that the tide turns in your brain ASAP so that you feel better & less mixed!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nobody deserves the shit :)

      Was your dad bipolar I or ii? Sleep deprivation is just part of life for me and I don’t think it does me any good either.

      I wish I knew why we don’t get better meds – just more expensive ones. Ketamine has been on trial – nowhere near me though (if it even made it to this country yet and I doubt it).

      Anyway, this is my life and always has been, I just have labels for it all now. And meds.

      Thanks Dy xox

      Liked by 1 person

      1. He was bipolar one, classic. I hear you on what you wrote.

        On yet another unrelated note (It’s “Dy’s Digression Day” on blapolar diaries!) last week I had a mom friend tell me about how amazing “pure” MDMA has been for her on a spiritual (i.e. not rave-like) level. She begins hardcore nursing school next week and is not hippy dippy – I like her. She takes it on average 1x/month. The way she depicted her experiences made me so jealous, but there’s no way in hell I would ever try it given the meds I’m taking. Even if I wasn’t on meds I’ve always been scared of psychedelic drugs – which includes the 36 years before my bipolar diagnosis.

        I’ve had hints that I’ve had bipolar disorder long before my official diagnosis @ 37. Beginning when I was 20, each time the hints emerged, I had sleep deprivation beforehand, interestingly enough. My symptoms were on the mixed/manic side but the bp didn’t fully emerge as a hideous shitstorm until childbirth triggered the evil beast. (Can you tell I don’t feel blessed with bipolar?)

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You know that point in mania, where everything is sparkly and lovely and so full of love you could easily overflow like a glass of (young) champagne? That’s what MDMA feels like. Plus loss of inhibitions, total impulsivity, teeth/jaw that won’t stop working and grinding, dehydration if you don’t keep the fluids up – and a crash at the end, unless you self medicate that too. It has been known to trigger psychosis. I know it was or is being tested (for depression I think), but I can’t see a full dose of the pure stuff being used for people like thee and me. We can reach those highs for free if we’re feeling really stupid.

          Ahem. Yes I did do a fair bit of it back in the 90s.

          Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello!
    I’d probably put a “31 days…” on my own blog if I remembered it, but it’s fun reading yours.

    I guess my baseline is a sort of “scatteredness”…I have ADHD and OCD tendencies in addition to bipolar. My attention span a lot of times is crap anyway, but it’s worse when I’m trying to ward off the anxiety and awful thoughts that come with the OCD or the “blah” that can come with bipolar. I try to always find something to smile or laugh at, if only a funny line in a movie. I have to do *something*.

    Hey, this is a bit off-topic, but has anyone else experienced a speed-up or slow-down of things other than moods during a cycle? I’ve found that things often seem to sound louder, look brighter or smell stronger during the “upticks”. I also think and speak even faster than normal. I’m often more cold-natured during “downturns”, but that could just be because of the weather.

    Anyway, glad to read your post! Blessings!

    Liked by 2 people

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