searches, side effects, sisters of mercy

“Nobody wants to hear you cry about the grief inside your bones.”
“When I thought I hit bottom, it started hitting back.”

From Andrea Gibson – The Madness Vase (spoken word) & you can find it as text here.


I have a youtube playlist with a fair few merry/morbid choons about bipolar on it. Link is on the film and music page of this blog.
Modest Mouse – Manic Depressive Named Laughing Boy

I’ve been on 200mg lamotrigine for about 4 days now – another bout of heartburn and upset stomach is welcoming me to what might be my regular dose. Judging by past dose increases, the side effects will vanish within a week or two. I might get the rash I’ve had a few times – strange constellations of very small red dots, that don’t itch or hurt. It’ll be good if lamotrigine works out; it gives me so little trouble compared to seroquel and lithium. It’s nice to be able to think cool, I hope this works, rather than something like oh hell, please make the puking stop.
Noisy: Queens of the Stone Age – Medication (Live in Detroit 2005)
Quiet: Modest Mouse – Medication


A recent search term in my blog stats: suicide note diaries bipolar. I’ve tried and failed suicide twice; I didn’t write notes. Just as well, since I’m alive. I can completely understand the fascination with suicide, but I refuse to glorify it; death is always a tragedy even when it isn’t. If you see what I mean.
Johnny Mandel – Suicide is Painless (Theme from M*A*S*H 1970)

The other search term that still keeps coming up is bipolar nun so I’m glad I wrote a post about it, even I still don’t have a clue what they’re actually looking for. And I guess there’s always Sister Maria Euthymia, purely for the lols.
Leonard Cohen – Sisters of Mercy (Live in London 2009)

(My life is riddled with sad songs that console me.)


Holy Batman in a blanket fort!

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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

19 thoughts on “searches, side effects, sisters of mercy”

    1. Lol thanks and yes, just not having those incessant horrible side effects makes a major difference, although by the time the meds are right, I’ll probably be so grateful I won’t even remember whether they actually help for moods :D

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Bow down before lomotrigine!!!!!
    Fucking awesome stuff. Watch that bloody rash though.
    Death is only a tragedy to those left behind.
    Damn, I’m in a bad mood. Maybe because I’m drunk…
    Seriously, though, I really hope the lamotrigine works out for ya! It’s a good one, easily tolerated by most of us.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Lamotrigine ugh! It worked for me. Did its job and flatlined my emotions. I lived the zombie life for awhile. I’m so glad that I had good people around me though. They kept encouraging me to find myself!

    I used to be the drama king. The bipolar label suited me well. I could just lop everything into the BP bucket and be done with. It’s easy. It involves zero work, zero effort. Or, I could take the hard road and learn how to face my emotions and work through them like mature adults do every day. It’s the more difficult path. And that’s probably an understatement.

    I eventually chose the more difficult path. I’m an alcoholic. Alcohol was my solution to life. It numbed out all emotions. Life was my problem and still can be today, if I don’t work on myself on a daily basis. Surviving addiction was a big victory. But then you turn around and the problem (life) is still right there in front of you. Only this time, more ominous than ever because your sober and have no booze or pills to numb out.

    I stopped fighting everything and everyone. I got rid of my licensed drug dealer (Psychiatrist). I did see a therapist for nine years who helped me with my past and got me to the point where I could listen and hear. I went back to AA and committed myself to a better life.

    Today, I live a life that I never thought was possible. It’s better than I could ever have imagined. I hope that you can find a better life too. You deserve it!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for the comment. I’m 44 and always thought all my psych troubles were down to things like long term child abuse. I was diagnosed with complex ptsd and major depression. Nothing ever worked for long; the bipolar diagnosis fits and explains a huge amount of things. My ptsd is in full remission. Well done for your successes though.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. And, it does fit! It even gives us the prescriptive relief that we seek. It’s like “thank God I finally have a file of sorts that all of my pain and suffering fits into”. We’re attracted to a logical solution. We’re educated. We’ve been taught to solve problems, we’re good at it, and we just nailed a big one. Take our meds, live in a crippled state and soldier on through life achieving less than half of our potential.

        BP is everywhere these days. It’s the Versace diagnosis of the 21st Century. Its hard to pick up a newspaper or magazine lately without seeing an article about it. And, its a win, win, win! We pay and get our diagnosed lot in life. The Psychiatrist gets his insurance money and can now go off and pay his mortgage and his children’s steep college tuition payments. And the drug companies can continue to post record profits. Not to mention enhancing your doctors life via perks for pushing their product.

        I have been to the zero point of my soul and it sounds like you have too. There was just me (self) and God that dark place. Rather than end my life right there, I chose to live.

        We experienced things in our childhood that no human being should ever experience, let alone an innocent child. It happened and it was real. But today, it’s nothing more than an illusion that is dictating our lives and how we live them. We can rise above and become a survivor…if we want to!

        If you haven’t yet seen Jim Carrey’s Commencement speech that he gave back in 2014, I recommend you check it out. Also, if you haven’t ever read Thomas Keating’s The Human Condition, I highly recommend it.

        We deserve to be happy and present each and every day.


        1. You sound rather like an evangelist. I am in South Africa – there are no Versace diagnoses here, attitudes towards and realities of ‘mental illness’ are very different here. Unless you’re wealthy of course.

          I have a good and ethical psychiatrist, who treats me free when I’m broke – and this is not on a state scheme – having tried that, I know there is little help here and so I see a private psychiatrist and pay normal price for my meds. So I have a huge interest in making treatment work for me and I’m very selective about it all.

          If willpower, self awareness etc could have improved things, it would have done by now. I spent decades on it. Once the psychological work (and I credit CBT for being the best and most practical approach for me) was done and I had got past the past and had no more flashbacks etc, I still had problems which were not situational.

          Anyway, that’s just my own subjective stuff – please remember yours is too. But thanks for the efforts and info and suggestions, it’s always good to get different perspectives. My ‘recovery toolkit’ consists of way more than psychiatrist plus meds, so I’m always happy to look at other ideas. In fact, I do a lot of research around it.


  3. What a powerful poem. “Nobody wants to hear your cry about the grief inside your bones.” So glad you linked to the text – thanks!

    Hope the new meds work out for you. Have had awful, awful side effects in the past.

    Love the unicorn and batman cartoons! Good luck with the “bipolar nuns” searches. What are these people looking for?! … bipolar nuns, duh…


  4. I’ve been on L for quite a while and been stable ish for quite a while (pay no attention to the depression behind the curtain) – I do have some pretty awesome GERD all the time, I just attributed it to my horrible diet of chocolate and tomato sauce…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had to google GERD – when I first started Lamotrigine I had 4 days or so of really sore heartburn, only 1 day this last time. Good to hear your success with it. I’m helluva down today, but I suppose the 200mg horse sized pills beed time to accumulate or whatever.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So sorry about the heartburn and assorted yucks, and yes – I hope HOPE hope you don’t get the rash!!!!! I took it a long tie ago and while I didn’t get the dreaded rash, I had to switch to lithium as lamotrigine wasn’t the right fit. Keep us posted, ya hear?

    Liked by 1 person

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