a letter to bipolar

Nifty notion stolen from the one and only Modern Scarlet O’Hara. The links in the letter go to songs; there’s a track listing at the end.

let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain
you like your girls insane
– lana del rey

What ho, Bipolar! (Not in the jovial old fashioned English greeting way, I’m calling you a whore.)

I can’t blame you for the genetics or the trauma that triggered you, but you are an absolutely unwelcome and uninvited guest. I begrudge the fact that it took you so long to tell me your name, the mask you wore hurts me so much. You’re here now. You didn’t even wipe your feet. You never said sorry. Youll never die. And now my pension plan is suicide.

Some things haven’t changed at all since the diagnosis. I hate myself after mania, I hate myself during depression and because I don’t ever get a break between episodes, I only like myself when I am manic. Looking back is shitty – I still own the bad stuff, but I resent having to credit you for the (few) good things you brought. I don’t like you, not one bit. I just know all the jargon now. And of course, the meds are often almost as bad as the disorder.

I shouldn’t have called you a whore, because no matter how much I pay you to fuck me, you never leave afterwards. And you’ve definitely given me an STD.

I’m doing all the right things to negotiate a peace with you; right now it feels like there’s no mercy. Alright you twat, I’m done anthropomorphising you.

Regard (not regards, certainly not kind or warm ones),
Yours (unwittingly and unwillingly) Sincerely,
Worst Wishes,
I am your most humble and obedient servant (but I resent it),
At your (reluctant) service,
Lots of Loathing,
Goodbye and thanks for all the lithium,

*angrily scrawled signature*

Blahpolar

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Mixtape

Ahem. They’re mostly male vocal sorrowful songs with guitars in them. Some are live, because I like the song with the audience singing, some are acoustic, because I like that too. Almost all of them reflect my age. It’s all music I really like. It doesn’t flow smoothly, but then, neither do I.

bipolar – krizz kaliko
alanis morrisette – uninvited (unplugged)
johnny cash – hurt
david bowie – sorrow
lana del rey – born to die (acoustic)
manic street preachers – suicide is painless (live)
kid cudi – maniac
seether – broken (acoustic)
placebo – meds (acoustic & slowed down)
blue october – calling you (live & acoustic)
eminem – without me
kenneth stirling – i fucked it up
coldplay – death and all his friends (live)
leonard cohen – sisters of mercy (live & slow)
devendra banhart – be kind
pink floyd – wish you were here (unplugged)
bob dylan – serve somebody
nirvana – lithium

And now, a happy song – from Shonen Knife vs The Carpenters top of the world.

image

(YouTube screenie, Mister Leonard Cohen – this one’s for you, mum. Okay, also Coldplay, Dylan, Floyd.)

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

47 thoughts on “a letter to bipolar”

        1. but have you seen Lorde cover Nirvana (with the rest of the band)? she was picked by Dave Grohl to perform with them. tis on the youtube. I actually quite like it but I am a little Lorde fangirl

          Liked by 1 person

      1. Rage, Eminem, Smashing Pumpkins, Nirvana, Porno for Pyros…love them, especially when I’m up! The louder I can play them, the better! Funny that I married a country boy who thought grunge was gunk in a car engine! Haha.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. “I begrudge the fact that it took you so long to tell me your name, the mask you wore hurts me so much.” This is everything.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As I really don’t know all the groups to which are referring, I must be a lot older, I do understand your pain and resentment. I’ve had this disorder a very long time and just didn’t have a diagnosis until I came out of rehab about 8 years ago. That’s when a social worker sent me to see someone. It freaked me out. I was so drugged up for a long time I didn’t even know I was in the world. Know one understood me until I met William and now he’s gone. Hearing from you keeps me going, so please don’t you give up too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Not even Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Pink Floyd? You’d have to be about 80 .. (I’m 44 by the way). This late diagnosis thing is such a huge issue for us, I guess at least they will fine tune it for future generations. Bah. Sorry about William – you know I read your blog and I shall keep doing it. Don’t give up either :)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Excellent! I think I’ll come up with my own answer to this. The songs that helped get me through depression and not make the third time be the charm for me. And the songs that while manic just seem to set my entire soul on fire. Uninvited is such a great song. I love the live version. Bellydancing, one of the many hobbies ive taken up to occupy my time and mind from going insane in circles is fun to do to a song such as this. You must always stay busy, busy, busy, even when the energy runs out. Its like we are forever running a race!

    Liked by 1 person

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