Deep/ression:Recession

As I say I don’t want to kill myself, I just wouldn’t mind dying.”
-Stephen Fry

Depression is a right bastard innit? One day you can think rationally, the next you’re off swirling down the whirling plughole vortex of doom, into the Marianas Trench of Despair (fuck the slough of despond, really) and then priorities shift. Everything becomes very black and white indeed.

Do you want a coffee?
No I want to DIEEEEEEEEEEE!
What do you think of this shirt?
Like it matters … life is fucked. FUCKED!

Speaking of coffee + depression click that, it made me go yesssssss!

It is a very, very antisocial state to be in. And the interminable catch 22 of company that you need, but don’t want … et fucking cetera, baby.

Chocolate tastes like shit.

The mind in bipolar disorder, whether manic or depressed, is never quiet. source

Even when you do all the right things, you cannot take one tiny sodding step out of the tench. If all your dreams came true during a serious depression, it wouldn’t change a thing. You would still want to die.

Sometimes I thought about killing myself. The idea of it circled my head, shining and lovely like a tinsel halo. How beautiful it would be if everything could just stop. If I could stop. If I didn’t have to feel like this. Yes, I thought about it and thought about it, but I was too exhausted to do anything about it. That should have been funny, right?
Alexis Hall, Glitterland

I wrote this a day or two ago. Right now I’m either happier or hypomanic. Right now I can’t tell the difference.

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

14 thoughts on “Deep/ression:Recession”

  1. Hopefully it is happier not hypomanic. In a way I feel like I am slowly becoming more stable (in my case coming down) but as waves of depressive thinking and feeling wash over I wonder about the elusive search for balance or normal on the bipolar ride.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Depression makes you afraid to leave your house because you’re so unstable that you could cry at any moment and seeing people acting as if nothing is going on makes you angry. I get it. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What alarms me about my depression is how it feels so RIGHT.

    I believe I will never get better, and that is a finality, a certainty. Hence the RIGHTness.

    Like

  4. There’s a book about depression in my country that I yet have to read. The title is “I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to live anymore”. I always felt like it described my feeling very well.

    Liked by 1 person

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