I’m tired.

“A vagabond existence is fine until the age of forty,” said the watchman. “After that, one needs a permanent address to stop the decline.
Peter Hoeg

I just cooked dinner, had a few bites and then fed it to the dogs.

Get bipolar, experience the bottom falling out of your world.
Take lithium, experience the world falling out of your bottom.

I keep shedding my own skin briefly, looking at myself from the outside and asking the question I least want answered. How the hell did I get here? Here living alone on the coast, here driving my neighbour’s daughter to visit her in rehab, here lying every day that I am ohhhh kay. I’m not ok. But it’s tricky. I have to be kind of ok, because I promised my dogs I wouldn’t let them down (too much). I get up and do sane and sensible stuff and I walk my dogs on the beach and from time to time I am a little bit sociable. And every day I think I want to die and for the first time ever, the thought scares me a bit.

Food and cigarettes are no longer enjoyable, but reading is still there and reliable.

“That’s all right,” she said. “We all try to camouflage the monotony. But it takes a lot of energy. To insist on being special all the time. When we’re so much like one another anyway. Our triumphs are the same. Our pain. Try for a moment to feel what relief there is in the ordinary.”

Peter Hoeg

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Published by

blahpolar

battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

11 thoughts on “I’m tired.”

  1. I’m trying to think of what good advice I can give you about the persistent “I want to die” thoughts. (I’ve been there and it still happens, but not every day.) but I suck at giving advice right now.

    You have your dogs, and they need you…as a huge dog lover I’m glad you have your dogs and
    that’s SO good that you walk them on the beach. It’s so easy to hole up, yet you don’t. Give yourself a lot of credit for that!

    I’m a new follower, so I don’t know if you have a counselor you can talk to about your fear/thoughts of wanting to do…, or if there’s someone else close to you who could help. In any case, I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.

    I take lithium too, so I chucked at your couplet. It has been working well for me, but I’m tired due to other stuff. You and I are on the same wavelength as I posted about being tired today too:

    http://proudlybipolar.wordpress.com/2014/11/10/groggylicious/

    Please keep posting. I’ll be thinking of you today.
    Dy

    p.s. great Peter Hoeg quotes

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Hey Blapolar… Is it the fact you are thinking about wanting to die that scares you or the regularity of it that scares you? I think a lot of us who struggle will recognise ourselves in your post. I don’t want to say anything glib like it gets better, because to be honest, I really think things just ‘shift’ from time to time…. but it gets easier to cope with the shifts and there will come a time when you will find joy in things again…And that’s a good thing. You make me laugh out loud, so hang in there!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You’ve been in a bipolar depressive funk for far too long. Maybe your pdoc could add another medication — such as Lamotrigene (US brand name Lamictal), Aripiprazole (Abilify), Quitiapine (Seroquel), or Lurasidone (Latuda) — to more effectively address your bipolar depression. If Lithium is not lifting your depression, it might be time to change or add a medication. Best of luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers for relief.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank goodness for the animals who keep us from extremes. No matter what, someone loves you unconditionally and counts on you for survival. That’s serious incentive to keep on keeping on.
    Sorry things are so hard for you right now.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. You don’t have to be ok all the time, if we drop below the “ok” it’s also a coping strategy until we can move back to “ok”. I know it’s different from your perspective but your environment (and you, ofc!) did me tons of good. And if you allow me being hypocritical, you know I’ll cry buckets, right? I already wish I had a magic mental wand. Please please, message, chat, call or send a pigeon if it gets tough *hughughug*

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hey, sorry to hear that you are still dragging yourself through the dumps. I have been worried about you. Not sure if it will cheer you at all but the temperatures outside here are -24c with windchill and snow. And it’s not due to lift until the weekend. A brisk walk in that would freeze out some of the blues, me thinks. Take care of yourself and email if you want. I will always listen.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. My Friend, just yesterday morning I grumbled about not having read from you for a long while. I wish you so much, oh no wishes aren’t enough in this case. Even saying I feel for you wouldn’t suffice… Glad you have dem dose dogs and glad you still try as much as posssible to stay on top

    Liked by 1 person

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