Lithi-no-yum and the Downward Spiral

She lived in her head and that’s why it glowed.
Miriam Toews – A Complicated Kindness

Lithium tastes like shit. More lithium tastes like more shit. I googled to see if anyone had managed to describe it accurately, but couldn’t find anything beyond sour, salt, almost metallic. When I started on it, a friend with some experience told me, you might want to buy less food and more toilet paper for a while. That one didn’t happen till 1000mg and it happened the night I was also barfing my lungs out. I’ve hit depression harder lately, a kind of panicky one. I’ve got to grab more blood forms from the shrink’s rooms, I’ll check when my October appointment is then. Things don’t feel right, like I’m fraying at the edges.

There is good news. I did an editing job and got told I’d done a good job. With the amount of words I’ve been losing lately, I’m relieved. It was only 40 pages, got 136 pages next and then dead quiet again.

Last coupla days I’ve been side-eyeing the life hurts too much zone yet again. I keep wrapping my arms round my dogs so I remember my deal with myself. That is no threat btw, I’m just tracking everything. If I had that fantasy personal shrink I’d be nagging them to tell me how long this is supposed to last. Ah I’ll be honest, I’d be screeching for more pills.

Blah blah blah.

Being seasick at sea is not the same as being homesick at home.
Miriam Toews


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battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

11 thoughts on “Lithi-no-yum and the Downward Spiral”

      1. The way I find when in depression is to eat eggs with hot sauce and toast. Coffee with flavoured creamers, a lot. I try my best to eat during my depression. My lithium right now is pretty high 1200mg and walking everywhere and losing water. So I am constantly filling my pepsi bottle with tap water. Hope this helps. Was a solution for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Sorry to hear that your pain has been that great. Severe suicidality truly sucks. Glad that your dogs give you comfort. They are wonderful, attentive and loving companions.


  1. Now that my valproate levels are back up to therapeutic, I am gaining weight. And the clonazepam that my GP insists should be taken regularly not ad hoc as I’d been doing, I am all wobbly and unstable again. Maybe less depressed but much more numb from my legs to my brain.
    Bonus though my son found this funky old cane and now I can look even ten years older than I am!


  2. Your dogs should be certified therapists. I wish I could cuddle one now!

    You are not alone, just share anytime :) Many hugs!


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