a letter to lithium

Dear Lithium Carbonate,

Is it ok if I just call you Lith?

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But we’ve had oral sex,
So fix me, maybe?

It’s weird man. There you are in your unbranded little container, trusty old Lithium. The best international results, said my psychiatrist; too often used as a last resort, said Kay Redfield Jamison; I’m so ugly / but that’s ok cause so are you, sang Kurt Cobain. And you’re not even big pharma.

I wish I already knew if you and I are gonna work out. I want us to, I like your style, but who knows. Well, perhaps you do.

I’m fucking desperate. I think. Why can’t I think properly tonight?

Elizabeth Wurtzel made me laugh; she says you’re useless for crushing and snorting and that you wouldn’t be worth abusing anyway. I googled it and found this:


Dramatic world view eh … well damn Eve goddamn Marie for being horribly accurate with that phrase. Gimme those grey evenings, Lith, I love grey. Grey is completely underrated. Let’s do grey – as many shades of it as you like.

I’m gonna stop obsessing about your effects every single hour of the day. Ahem. I’m gonna try to obsess a little less.

Do your thing – if it works, it works. If not, let’s make it an amicable break.

Give me ten years, I’ll trade you my kidneys (I’ll throw in a decent steak too).

I am so fucking tired.


Published by


battlescarred, bright, bewildered, bent, blue & bipolar

3 thoughts on “a letter to lithium”

  1. I think I can sympathize. I’m not bipolar, more like depressive-depressive as me and my bipolar sibs would joke. We would fantasize about being able to trade some of my “low” for some of their “up” so they could slow down and get some sleep and I would be motivated, able, galvanized to get the hell out of BED and do something for a change. My brother passed away in 2007, without ever really having had any real successful regimen of psych meds. After he passed away my sister decided to give up on both God as we were raised to know Him and also Western medicine as a whole. She was furious at both for having let John down. She now manages her bipolar with a regimen of exercise, holistic eating and lots and lots of (secular) volunteer work.

    I haven’t really had any success with psych meds yet either. I’m 38 and I’ve probably been on every SSRI available. My pattern is get suicidally low, decide it’s bad enough to need pharmaceutical intervention, go on an SSRI, actually start feeling better, motivated to get the hell out of bed and off my ass to do something semi-productive each day, then start questioning wth I need with the SSRI cause I’m doing fine so I stop taking it and incrementally start sliding from close to normal back to the pit of despair. .

    I wish you all the best with the Lithium. That it would even you out, give you the right shades of gray whilst NOT demanding your kidneys in exchange (scary fucking side effects with that bad boy). Keep writing. Love your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi – thanks for the comment.

      Sorry you lost your brother – I did too actually, but many years ago. Horrible … the sort of grief that never vanishes entirely.

      I’m newly diagnosed and so the search for the right combo of bipolar meds is fresh. I’m fortunate; I have an ethical and compassionate psychiatrist. By the sounds of it, your problem is meds compliance, rather than meds. I can relate; I’d be a few years further along this road if I had just stood still and swallowed the pills. I’ve tried most ways imaginable of managing stuff with no meds and some hard knocks taught me that for me, they are the difference between chaos and order/life and no life. It took me till I was about 40 to wake up to that.

      I’ve read up on lithium to an obsessive degree and am satisfied that its severe consequences are very rare. The common ones are definitely milder than seroquel’s and for me, aaaaaaanything is better than effexor. Those are the only 2 meds so far that not only didn’t agree with me, they launched full scale war against my body and mind.

      Thanks lots for the compliment too, I’m going to return the blog visit in a bit.


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